I've had an idea for a longer piece, maybe novel length. It will involve much violence: something I've never written about directly, nor is it my thing. I've posted this as a bit of a tester.
I'd like to know if it's as violent as I think it is. More importantly, is it believable?
I've put it in a self contained scene for your entertainment - I hope. I'm aimong for a reasonably literate Quentin Tarentino. (I think.) Personally, I think this is a little crass in style.
Please rip into this as you please. The more advice the better.
Virgin Killer
Jez looked up and down the street. Seeing no-one else, he stepped out in front of the approaching figure.
‘Daniel Parker?’ he asked.
‘Piss off.’
Jez put his hand on the young man’s shoulder and pulled him back round.
‘I said are you Daniel Parker?’
‘And I said piss off. Now fuckin’ leave me alone.’
Worried about being seen, Jez decided it was time to act. He drove the rubber encased steel club as hard as he could into Parker’s stomach and dragged him into the alley. Parker, taken completely by surprise slumped against the wall and fought for breath.
Jez hit him again; this time across the face with the length of the stick. Off white enamel hit the floor.
‘I said are you Daniel Parker?’
Parker nodded faintly.
Jez took a step back, raised his club and brought it down as hard as he could on Parker’s head. Parker’s body slid sideways until he was lying on the ground. Jez picked up his wrist and felt for a pulse. Nothing.
Looking at the clump of bloody hair stuck to his club he thought about how easy it had been, but not just that. He realised what a thrill it had given him. He couldn’t wait for the next target.
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Hi Phil
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
Jez looked up and down the street. Seeing no-one else, he stepped out in front of the approaching figure.
‘Daniel Parker?’ he asked.
‘Piss off.’
Jez put his hand on the young man’s shoulder and pulled him back round.
‘I said are you Daniel Parker?’
‘And I said piss off. Now fuckin’ leave me alone.’
Worried about being seen, Jez decided it was time to act. He drove the rubber encased steel club as hard as he could into Parker’s stomach and dragged him into the alley. Parker, taken completely by surprise slumped against the wall and fought for breath.
Jez hit him again; this time across the face with the length of the stick. Off white enamel hit the floor.
‘I said are you Daniel Parker?’
Parker nodded faintly.
Jez took a step back, raised his club and brought it down as hard as he could on Parker’s head. Parker’s body slid sideways until he was lying on the ground. Jez picked up his wrist and felt for a pulse. Nothing.
Looking at the clump of bloody hair stuck to his club he thought about how easy it had been, but not just that. He realised what a thrill it had given him. He couldn’t wait for the next target.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
 |
Sublimated rage
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
Bloody hell,Phil,are the kids playing up a lot at school? Still I suppose it's better to sublimate it in fiction than have the playground littered with the bloodied corpes of 3C,not a good career move.
If you were aiming for for a reasonably literate Quentin Tarrantino then I think you succeeded. It certainly had a visceral charge to it. The writing was as sparse and brutal as the action. It's not really my genre but I think you carried it off well and the lack of rupturing spleens and stuff only added to the menace. The dialogue didn't match Tarrantinos but then no-ones does; he is a master of the oblique comment.
Let's seem more,now
cheers
J
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Bugger!
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
I hit the wrong key. I'll try again.
I'm pleased to be able to have an opportunity once again, to return the favour of all the crit's that you do on my work.
It all sounds good so far. Couple of minor details:
"Virgin Killer" intrigued to know why? So I eagerly await part 2.
"He drove the rubber encased steel club" Too fussy. Stick with 'club', after all , you do go on to tell us just how much damage is inflicted, so do we need to know it's rubber encased steel?
And just a thought on the last passage:
"he thought about how easy it had been, but not just that. He realised what a thrill it had given him. He couldn’t wait for the next target."
"he thought about how easy it had all been, but more than that he realised what a thrill it had given him, and he couldn’t wait for his next target."
Too violent? In this day and age, are you kidding!
Hardly any blood and absolutely no bugeery whatsoever. Appart from my one of course.
Best wishes
Steve
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Re: Confused face
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
| I though that it was so good, that people deserved an opportunity to read it twice! |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 3rd April 2007 |
| Thanks Steve, valued input. |
Written by rantman (4 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
Definitely not too violent by my reckoning, I was certainly expecting more after your intro.
I am not so sure about Daniels response to Jez, I'm pretty sure my initial reaction to someone who knew my full name wouldn't be "piss off", although I guess if he was a celeb of sorts it might make sense.
I enjoyed it, looking forward to the next target myself. |
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
I liked the off white enamal hitting the floor - much more descriptive and fun than his teeth were knocked out.
I don't really like this sort of thing, but it is well written, and I will continue to read it. |
Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
You should definately extend this one, for you left to much to wonder about. Who is this Jez? An assasin? Someone taking revenge for a friend or relative? A psychopath? A robber who thinks this Parker has something he needs? Or all of these at the same time?
An interesting read, but far too short. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
I prefer Steve's version in the first comment he posted. 
Too violent? No, but then it does depend on the context. If we had had 6 chapters of this guy erming and ahhing about criminals getting away with stuff, then suddenly this, it wouldn't be too violent, but it would be shocking. If this was in the middle of a gorefest, then it might be too much.
The language was literate, no problem there.
One comment I would make. If the (anti?)hero is a virgin killer, then this murder was too clean and professional. I would have liked some hesitation on his part, maybe not hitting him hard enough the first time, and having to hit the prone body a couple of times to finish him off. A description of his feelings of panic, more on his fear of being discovered. If this was a decent guy pushed to murder vigilante style (I don't know where I got that from, but that's the feeling I got reading this) Then he would be nearly wetting himself with fear and excitement and anticipation. This was a little cold and calculating. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
Another thought:- Where does one buy a rubber-encased steel club?
Purely for the authenticity of the story, you understand. Nothing to do with a wedding that might be happening in August. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
| Hello, Phil. I wondered too at how accomplished this man was, considering the fact that this was his first kill. Like Snodlander, I thought that it would have seemed more real if he had fumbled a little, or conversely, if he had managed to kill this man with only a few blows, then been truly amazed at how easy it was -- not just mildly surprised, as he seems to be now. I don't know why I thought of Raskolnikov -- haven't thought of him in ages! -- but that is who this made me think of: Raskolnikov whacking the moneylender over the head -- the shock of a first kill. |
??????
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
| How much practice do you need to whack someone over the head with a club??? If someone is hiring hit men then he may have already had some 'on the job' training with a colleague, and if he is a self made psycho then he may have practised at home on a dummy. Geeeeez, let the story develop a bit before you start picking holes in it. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
Hey Phil, great to be able to read something of yours for a change! Everyone's already said everything there is to say though. I didn't think it was too violent no, but too short, am eager to read more  Interested in where the title stems from also, the murderer did feel very in control in this piece.
I have a TON of questions about what's going on, so keep posting. It's very intriguing... |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
Hi Phil, this is a great idea and very intriguing but I would have liked to have seen a bit more detail. One slight niggle with the formatting, perhaps you've put too many lines between paragraphs.
As for the violence, it depends on how much you put into the extended work as a whole. There are plenty of novels out there with a very high body count and the violence is much more graphic than this. It really is a question of how you feel about it yourself.
Look forward to reading more.
Cheers. |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
| Don´t have much to add to the comments except I enjoyed it and I liked the enamel bit too. It wasn´t too violent IMO. |
Written by Tusk (53 comments posted) 4th April 2007 |
| This was good and can (and hopefully will) be extended on. You capture the reality of street crime excellently, how Daniel Parker changes from cocky to terrified so quickly. |
Written by Frédrick_Hauser (3 comments posted) 5th April 2007 |
"Worried about being seen, Jez decided it was time to act. He drove the rubber encased steel club as hard as he could into Parker’s stomach and dragged him into the alley. Parker, taken completely by surprise slumped against the wall and fought for breath."
You write, but at this point, for the reader it isn't clear if it is Parker or not, so the storyteller (allknowing) reveals too much information. At this point, I would still call him 'the man' or something.
The violence is good, and what Tarantino makes Tarantino is his dialogue, not his violence. But I liked it. |
Written by russ11 (2 comments posted) 6th April 2007 |
Liked the idea a lot, made me think of a shadowed street pooled with street light that darkened rather than relieved the shadows.
I had a bash at changing the style. What do you think?....
Tonight was a first.
But for the walking man, Jez was alone with the street. He knew. He’d checked. As they closed the distance, Jez stepped out his voice flaring at the man.
“You Daniel Parker?” he said.
“Piss off.” Mistake, not his last but one to regret.
Jez gripped his young shoulder as the man walked on.
“I said are you Daniel Parker”, demanded Jez, tensing, blood pouncing through him, pulling the guy round by his shoulder.
“And I said piss off. Now fucking’ leave me alone.”
No bystanders, no witnesses, just the two of them. Now was the time before any of that changed. The breath rasped out of him as Parker convulsed, the blackjack sudden and fast in Jez’s hand and deep into his stomach. Jez tugged his slumped, winded form into the alley.
“Are you Daniel Parker, you won’t want me to ask a third time”
Parker nodded, barely.
Jez’s breathing was fast and shallow, the violence running through him, questing an outlet, demanding a release. Parker’s face – drawn and pinched, caging his fear – turned red and bloody as Jez struck again, the steel shaped blackjack crunching flesh and bone.
He stepped back, flailing up and down with the jack, relentless, till Parker was silent, still, and dead. Only the blood pooling beneath his head was moving now.
As if awakening, Jez found himself hearing his hoarse ragged breaths, feeding the demands of his body. He was shaking, grounding out from the rush of power, strength, control, and triumph. He snatched a look around, he didn’t want to get caught for many reasons but most of all because now he knew one thing with a certainty beyond question, almost beyond understanding. And that was that he would be doing this again, Parker was the first but he wouldn’t be the last.
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th April 2007 |
Not normally my kind of thing at all but as it had enough of an impac that I've come back to it several times I thought I'd review.
Firstly - this introduction of what seems to be random violence certainly has an impact in a short piece like this. Wouldn't work on a larger scale if it was more of the same I don't think, you'd lose the shock factor quite quickly. but then I assume if this is going somewhere then you'll be changing approach at some point.
Secondly I think this needs some more detail. Not too much - the sparse economical quality of the writing really works for you in terms of sheer impact but there are a couple of things that I think need elucidating. Motive is one of them - if it's going to come out later then fine, a good opening in that you leave the reader thinking why the bloody hell has this bloke just killed this other bloke.
I can actually see it as a good opening scene for a movie. The other thing is his reaction to having killed a man for the first time. Aside from the business of would he be that accomplished as a novice (I could live with that) unless the guy is a complete fruitloop then you would imagine that he would have a bit more of a reaction to having killed someone.
The last paragraph gives the idea that he's probably not an entirely balanced, rational member of society but still if he's not going to be a stereotype a bit of humanity - shock, a tinge of revulsion before the glee might work quite well. it would also give you scope for him to lose any vestiges of humanity as you progress.
However, as I don't know where you're going with this or what you have in mind this is all speculation on my part. It worked well enough to make me come back and read several times and clearly think far too much about the practicalities! And as I wouldn't normally touch this kind of stuff wiht a bargepole that's quite an achievement.
I'm certainly interested enough to read more. (btw - at the moment this does feel visual to me, more of a potential screenplay than a novel?)
Sorry for going on and on!
Elli
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Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 6th April 2007 |
Yes, I agree with Elli about the screenplay feel (you probably regret mentioning Tarantino now, as you'll set yourself for comparisons!) - it's not my area either, and although self-contained, context would, of course, make a huge difference (in terms of the violence, for example, Parker being a young, fit, healthy, cocky individual who molests children, against Parker being some homeless guy with a disability who sells the Big Issue and gives all his savings to charity, etc.).
For me the most intriguing thing was why he was asking his name - I had an image of some eccentric hit-man, or a serial killer thinking "you look pretty much like the guy I'm after, but could you just confirm it please?". In terms of the piece you posted, the level of violence seemed straightforward - but what precedes and follows it will obviously make a difference. Hope that sounds vaguely constructive, it's just a gut reaction. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 6th April 2007 |
Thank you for your comments, especially the detailed ones. You've given me plenty to think about. In the piece that's swirling around my mind, this isn't an opening, it's a mid piece scene. He does have a motive - so it's not a random act.
I have enough to go here to start plannign in a little more detail. Writing as a screen play may be a possibility.
Phil |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 6th April 2007 |
Having read all the comments and your responses, I really don't have much to add. So I'll just say, I'd be interested to read more of this. I too wanted a little more character detail, but if this isn't the opening, then I can understand the sparse, straightforward style. It works well for something like this.
~Claire |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 12th May 2007 |
| Phil, You pulled this off well. The violence was only really graphic in my mind, so full marks to you. All the Daniels I know, need a good clip around the ears. Thank you Phil, I’m sure the kids will llok into your eyes and pay full attention this week. They will take no liberties. |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 12th May 2007 |
| Sorry I almost forgot. I loved the tittle; almost didn't read it because it disturbed me. Had everything back the front in my mind ---- Very clever. --- Thank you (again) |
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