Mandy is someone I used to work with. It is not her real name. Even if it was she would not recognise herself from this description as she thinks her legs are as long, slim and elegant as those of a sleek young colt which has been trained in ballet and barely leaves a hoof print as it cantors nimbly through summer meadows. It’s not part of a novel or a short story nor a glossy coffee table book about Legs I Have Appraised. I just felt compelled to write about her legs that’s all.
Mandy’s skirts are too short. That's a strange opinion for a red-blooded chap to have I know, but she is a short, squat girl and her legs are just too coarse and muscular for such a revealing hemline. Such an expanse of unappealing calf, knee and thigh provokes no admiration, no lust or envy, just slightly pained grimaces from men and catty asides from women. She however, remains oblivious to the fact that her legs are of little artistic merit and she boldly shows them off in all weathers. In fairness, they are a well maintained pair of legs - smooth and bronzed and tautly muscled and there is no apparent cellulite or of those other problematic feminine flabby wobblynesses on them, which is obviously a matter of great pride for her. In fact they appear to be so unnaturally solid and firm that they gave the impression of being not so much flesh and muscle as solid timber, as if they’d been carved by a sculptor. Not a master sculptor though, it has to be said. Not a man with a skilled hand and an experienced eye and an appreciation of the beauty of the female form – and frankly, not his young apprentice either, nor even an elderly lady he teaches at evening class once a week. Mandy’s tree trunk legs appear to be the result of someone handing a block of seasoned oak to a complete novice and saying ‘Here pal, carve me a pair of woman’s legs would you?’
The resultant carving, in this admittedly unlikely scenario, after the eager novice had thoroughly rubbed them down with a fine sandpaper and varnished them to his satisfaction with a dark teak woodstain, would be something akin to Mandy's legs. A worthy effort but by no means something you would want on display in your living room. But such aesthetic considerations mean nothing to Mandy – she likes her little legs and at some point in her life she has evidently decided ‘I’ve got it, so I’m going to flaunt it’ hence the little denim mini-skirts, the high heels and the frequent crossing and uncrossing of her chunky pins which she carries out with what I can only describe as a gratuitous and unseemly abandon. But that’s another story.
Next week: Mandy’s Pants. No, only kidding, that’s not going to happen.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | | While this is a polished, superb piece of writing and it really got me laughing, it is Mandy that has my sincere appreciation and admiration. Most women have bought into the beauty myth so heavily that they wouldn't dare to bare legs (or other body parts) that weren't magazine perfect. It takes real guts and character to do what Mandy does, and it's made me want to go and hunt for my old halter tops. And that'd really give you something to write about. |
Written by Sir_Nigel (37 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | | I hope you don’t think I make habit of writing about all the sights I’ve seen. That sort of observation can be seriously misconstrued. But if you want to let it all hang out - go for it baby. |
Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | Ah well, if she likes to wear short skirts, who cares? I know a few Mandies I guess. Not very smart to emphasize that part of the body which isn't the most flattering, but then, she did get someone writing over her legs, so they did draw your attention 
Nice read. |
Written by Sir_Nigel (37 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | | I never thought of it that way. Perhaps rather than simply flashing ‘em about her intention was to inspire writers to write, artists to paint and poets to wax, if you’ll excuse that word, lyrical. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | A nice piece of 'observation' literature, or was it voyeurism? Can't help thinking that the way you were able to discribe her 'carved and varnished' legs with such passion, whether you actually found it all tauntingly erotic!
Best wishes. | But...
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | ...if it was just an attack on the poor girl's pins...
it's not very gallant for a knight, Sir Nigel!
Still best wishes. |
Written by Sir_Nigel (37 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | | I thought I made it clear. Her legs were there for all to see and, though well maintained, were short and stumpy and left me quite unmoved. I am a man of refined tastes after all. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | But Mandy had no cellulite -- now, that's something.
I have just been thinking of the fellow who used to live next door to us in San Francisco. He had a hairy potbelly and he used to go around with shorts on in the summer; I think of it yet. And I can remember an endless procession of white, hairy legs with bony knees, skinny old-man chests, bared for all the world to gaze upon, acres of flab and goose-pimpled, pock-marked, unappealing male flesh -- but never mind! My point is that men are sometimes made to feel inferior about their lack of physical beauty, but women will always be hounded and shamed over this. So a woman like Mandy is a breath of fresh air for me, however little she might inspire male admiration, because she has broken free of the shackles of caring.
Or maybe she thinks that her legs are worthy of admiration, and that is cool too.
Still, your essay is a fine piece of work, and I remain a fan. But you'll never see my legs, lucky you. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | Well most of what I would have said has already been mentioned. I have to say that I loved the introduction, a bit Blackadder-esque I thought, I always like it when I'm giggling before I've started reading the piece.
Elli |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | You think because her legs are not sexy that she should cover them up? You already said that there was no cellulite. Can't you admire them for the well maintained, smooth, bronzed and tautly muscled things they are without worrying that you don't find them attractive?
I think I have a similar reaction to body builders. And I can't explain the revulsion - I should be able to admire them for the well maintained, smooth, bronzed and tautly muscled things they are. But I can't - I want to go - PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
Why is that?
Enjoyed the piece very much.  |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | A typically Sir Nigel piece. You're developing a bit of a voice. CAreful now, people will start mobbing you and want to show you their legs. Don't worry, mine are regulation hairy and off limits to anyone but, for want of a better term, the wife.
Enjoyed.
Phil. |
Written by Bondvillain2k (15 comments posted) 6th April 2007 | I loved the description in this piece. I sort of want to cheer Mandy on for not listening to all that 'you need to have a goddess-like body' thing, and sort of want to tell her to wear longer skirts.
As I said, though - really love the description. |
Written by rushwilde (16 comments posted) 15th May 2007 | oh so funnny,
so so funny.
The horrible part is, i see these things all the time. ALL THE TIME.
for shame. |
Written by gwyddyn (28 comments posted) 2nd July 2007 | stevetroster wrote
A nice piece of 'observation' literature, or was it voyeurism? Can't help thinking that the way you were able to discribe her 'carved and varnished' legs with such passion, whether you actually found it all tauntingly erotic!
no matter which, he's obviously spent some time looking at them
Only kidding - nice little piece and brave too. If Mandy should find out ....
Now that is another story |
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