This is a story I wrote for a 250 word comp in my writing class. The subject was halloween and I thought I'd do something a little different. Hope you like . . . It’s not easy to watch a sentient being die.
Harder still when that being is the leader of your nation. I was not shy of death for I was leader of my people’s army. I fought during the Herd wars on the side of the Consortium for my people.
Sac Busse Stabbo was leader of the Herd, he fought for there freedom and lost. He agreed to surrender but only on his terms. Now he was here on Stylus for the Consortium, he told Contore Upars that unless he agreed to the terms of induction into the Consortium it would come to war.
Contore Upars refused his council and Sac Busse Stabbo slit his throat.
`There is the tale of Halloween,’ he said, as he respectfully circumvented the still twitching corpse of my predecessor. `A night where the sprits and demons can walk amongst the living, and beings disguised themselves as such to avoid unpleasantness. I and my Herders have disguised ourselves as loyal to the Consortium so that when the time is right we may strike.’
`That’s treason.’
`Yes,’ he said. `But do you wish your people to be slaves to this order?’
`No.’
`Then chaos is needed,’ he smiled. `And when the time is right chaos I can promise,’ he looked me in the eye then and asked, `so will you join us for Halloween my friend?’
`Yes,’ I answered, knowing I had no choice my heart and people needed freedom. `I think I will.’
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Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 4th April 2007 | mmm...there is a LOT of stuff in here given that this is only 250 words. Needs a bit of a proof read. It's interesting, I'll give you that, but you're introducing so many novel people, ideas and situations that it is difficult to get much out of it as a reader (i found anyway).
I don't mean that the ideas aren't good, they're certainly intriguing. Just that without the background and context much of it doesn't make much sense.
That said, it's certainly a novel take on Halloween! Worth extending it to give us a bit of the back story and some more of the characters, we get a bit of insight into the narrator but the others are mostly ciphers aside from the obvious.
I'd spend a bit more time on it and see what comes out...
Elli |
Written by SeaneyBskiMeski (9 comments posted) 5th April 2007 | Thanks Elli.
Yeah that is a big prob with 250 words when you have a big idea. I'm thinking it might be better suited to 2,500 words. Then I can give the reader more info like you said. It was my 1st attempt at 250 words and being someone who likes to write longer stuff. Like novels and long short story's it was a hard. But a learning experance. I'll take what you said on board and work on it and repost.
Thanks again.
The Bski. | Mmm...
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 7th April 2007 | 250 words, so much said and yet so little.
I am surprised that given the 250 word constraint, that you chose to waste words repeating yourself:
"I was leader of (my people’s) army. I fought during the Herd wars on the side of the Consortium for (my people)"
And then there are some quite strange comments which are made:
"he told Contore Upars that unless he agreed to the terms of induction into the Consortium it would come to war." Sorry, but isn't he there to surrender? So how can it lead to war if they are already at war? And even so, it is a very idle threat given that he had just lost the last war, Contore Upors must have been quaking in his boots!
"Contore Upars refused his council and Sac Busse Stabbo slit his throat." How can it be so easy to get that close to the leader of the Consortium and kill him?
"the still twitching corpse of my predecessor." No explanation as to how killing the leader of the Consortium suddenly makes your man the new leader!
"when the time is right we may strike." Haven't they just struck and lost? (they lost the war)
And also "when the time is right we may strike." They have just struck by killing Contore.
`That’s treason.’ Why is he so surprised that Busse-Stabbo should act treasonous when he has just led an army against the Consortium?
"will you join us for Halloween my friend?’" How friendly would anyone be with the leader of the opposing army?
This is 220 words, which leaves you with another 30 words to fill in some grey areas. Have fun!
I had never been shy of death, for I had led the people’s army during the herd wars. Even so, I had never found it easy to witness the death of another sentient being, and I found it harder still to witness the death of Contore Upars the leader of my nation. Sac Busse-Stabbo had led the Herd in their fight for freedom from the Consortium, but the Herd had lost the war, and now he had come to Stylus to try and agree the terms for the Herd’s surrender. However, Contore Upars had refused his council so Busse-Stabbo had slit his throat.
As he spoke, Busse-Stabbo respectfully circumvented the still twitching body of Contore Upors. “There is an ancient legend of a night called halloween, a time when spirits and demons may walk amongst the living unchallenged, for on that night all beings travel in disguise.”
“And what bearing has this story on the future of the Consortium?” I asked.
Busse-Stabbo smiled. “How long do you believe that the Consortium can keep your people in shackles? They long for chaos, and chaos I can promise.” He looked deep into my eyes and smiled. “Will you join us for Halloween?”
“Yes I believe that I will.” I answered, for in my heart I knew that our people longed for freedom.
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Written by SeaneyBskiMeski (9 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | Hey there Steve.
Thanks for the review. However I think there might have been a slight misunderstanding of the point of this peice, which as the writer no doubt lays with me. Let me explain . . .
On the first point of repeating words as example . . .
"I was leader of (my people’s) army. I fought during the Herd wars on the side of the Consortium for (my people)" . . . The narrator is the leader of the army of Stylus not the Consortium, he lead his people in the herd wars againest the herders as an ally to the Consortium not as part of it. Like USA and Russia to Britian in the 2nd world war. That's why he said "for my people" at the end of that paragrapth. Maybe it would make more sense as . . .
I was the leader of my people's army. I fought during the Herd wars when we allied with the Consortium.
What do you think?
I believe the other points all stem from this opening. Also a few other points need changing for example maybe if I changed . . . Now he was here on Stylus for the Consortium . . . to . . . Now he was here on Stylus on as enforcer of the Consortium.
The reason Sac Busse Stabbo slit Contore Upars throat for refusing his council was that if it came to war, Stylus would lose and another potenial ally would be gone. But the narrator was a warrior he understood that fighting the Consortium as a lone state would be folly and millions of people would die. Better to wait and pick you're spot and have plenty of back up. Also one other point was how would Contore Upars dying make the narrator leader. He was the leader of an army and at times of war these people can take power until others step forward.
Thanks again for you're review which showed there were some major flaws, which is the point in a review after all. So thanks for taking the time to point out the problems in such detail.
Cheers Saen.
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Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | | Very interesting, though I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. Can it be labelled scifi? The reference to the spirits of Haloween is a nice one. | Hi Sean/Saen
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | I am a little wiser to your story, but I am still not entirely clear as to what is going on, and who is who.
So as a suggestion, try writing down absolutely everything there is to know about the story, and then prune it back to what needs to be known. The problem that you always have as a writer, is that YOU know the story, so if there are gaps you can fill them in mentally. We don't know the story, so we can only accept and understand what we can read.
Good luck and best wishes
Steve. |
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