An Appeal for Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Epicentre : Barnsley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "choffin-norah".

The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived.

Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley.

One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundstretcher.

Can You Help....?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

* Fila or Burberry baseball caps

* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

* Shell suits (female)

* White sports socks

* Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember :

* 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

* £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

* £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required : tinned whippet food and bones for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding South Yorkshire communities.