Chapter 21

A couple of days later, Donna was able to come home with the new baby.  She seemed generally fit and well, but, for obvious reasons, not as happy as she should have been.  As far as she was concerned, nothing had changed – her husband had let her down when she needed him, because he was with someone else’s child – that was unforgivable to her, especially after her previous experiences.

“Please come home, Donna!” he said, strapping both little ones safely into their car seats.  “We can work this out!  I know we can – we’ve got too much to throw away!”

“You’ve already thrown it away, Jon!” she replied, not even looking at him.  “You threw it away when you missed your baby’s birth.  I’m coming home – but only to collect my things!”

The journey home was virtually silent, apart from Rosie’s chattering.  It should have been so different – so full of joy and happiness.  Instead, they were hardly speaking, and when Donna looked at him, it was not a look of love – it was more a look of accusation and her eyes were questioning him all the time.  He opened the front door, then took Rosie from her seat, with Donna walking past him with Clare in her arms, almost as though she did not want him anywhere near her.  She sat down on the sofa, unbuttoned her top, and as the baby latched on to her breast, she began to suck contentedly, safe and warm in her mother’s arms.  He stood and watched from the doorway, waiting for the kettle to boil.

“I’m only doing this here because she needs feeding now!” she said, looking up at him.  “I can’t expect her to wait until I’ve packed my things, but after that, we’re going!”

“It doesn’t have to be like this, Donna!” he pleaded, his voice shaking.  “Please, don’t take my children away from me!  I can’t bear the thought of waking up in the morning without them – without you!  Please, I’m begging you now, Donna!  My pride’s gone out of the window – I’ll get down on my knees if I have to!  Please!!”

“No!” she said, quietly, so as not to wake the sleeping baby in her arms.  “I begged you to be with me when Clare was born, I pleaded with you not to see Emily again, but it made no difference, did it?  You’ve hurt me more than you’ll ever realise, and at the moment I don’t want to be in the same room as you, let alone the same bed!”

After she had finished feeding, she went upstairs, pulled a suitcase from on top of the wardrobe, and began packing hers and Rosie’s things.  She came back downstairs, and stood their in the doorway of the living room.  He looked up at her, then back at the sleeping baby in his arms.

“Well!” said Donna, putting the case down, and reaching out for Clare.  “I won’t prolong it any longer!  We’ll go, you know where to find me if you want to see your children – remember, you brought this on yourself!”

“Let me say goodbye to them!” he said, tears streaming down his face.  “Let me say goodbye to my children – I don’t want them to think I don’t care!”

“Give her to me!” she said, softly, reaching out once again for Clare.  “We’ll be on our way!  Long goodbyes will only upset them!”

He turned his back on her, still clinging on to his baby daughter.  He held her close to his heart, gently kissing her forehead, stroking her soft, wispy blonde hair.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart!” he whispered.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, I’ll make it up to you, I promise! If it takes the rest of my life I’ll make it up to you!”

As Donna took her from him, he knelt down in front of Rosie, and took her in his arms.  She was a bright little girl, and she had sensed something was not quite right between her mummy and daddy, and her blue eyes shimmered with tears, as she looked at him, her lips trembling.  She gently touched his face, pushing him ever closer to the edge.

“We need to go, sweetheart!” said Donna, holding out her hand.

“Why?” said Rosie, close to tears.  “Don’t want to go!  Want to stay with daddy!”

“Please, Rosie!” he said, rapidly losing the battle with his self-control.  “You need to go with mummy!   I’ll still come and see you and Clare, but mummy’s cross with me because I broke a promise to her, and, at the moment she doesn’t love me any more! Perhaps she will again one day, but until then you have to go and stay with mummy, and grandma, and I’ll come and see you whenever I can!”

“Not fair!” she shouted, stamping her feet.  “Don’t want to go!  Want to stay with you!  Say sorry to mummy!”

“I did!” he said, losing it completely.   “but she doesn’t believe me!  Please, Rosie!  You have to be a good girl now, and help mummy look after Clare!  Come on, mummy’s waiting!”

He picked her up and carried her over to Donna. She tried to take her, but she clamped her arms around his neck, and refused to move, her body stiffening, resisting any attempts to prise her away.

“No!” she screamed, holding on even tighter.  “Not going!  Not going!  Want daddy!  I want daddy!  No!  No!!”

Her anguished screams and sobs were like a knife in his heart, he did not know how much more he could bear.  He gently prised her arms from around his neck, and handed her to Donna, who made a move to the door – Clare was already strapped into her seat.  Rosie twisted around in Donna’s arms, and held out her arms to Jon, sobbing uncontrollably, pleading with him to take her back.  As the door shut behind them, he could still hear her cries as Donna strapped her into the car, then he heard her start it up and drive away, and they faded into silence.

He stood there in the empty room, completely stunned.  Up until now, deep down he had thought she would never go through with it – he must have hurt her pretty badly for her to go to these lengths.  He slowly sat down on the sofa, his mind drifting back to when Donna had first told him she was pregnant for the second time – they had both been so ecstatically happy.  He had held her in his arms, and they had both cried tears of happiness, full of joy at the thought of bringing a precious new life into the world.  Now it had come to this – he was sitting in an empty room, with nothing but memories of happier times to keep him company.  He had thought it would last forever, but thanks to one chance meeting, it had all fallen apart.  Perhaps God thought he took what he had for granted, and decided to teach him a lesson?  He just didn’t know – he didn’t know anything, any more.  What was the point of all the fame and the glory – there was no glory in anything without his precious family – they were his heart and soul.  He had thought their love would last for all eternity, but he did not believe in that any more.  If love didn’t last forever – what was forever for?

His train of thought was interrupted by a tap on the back door, and Eileen poked her head around the living room door. Her kindly face was full of love and concern.

“I think you could do with that shoulder right now!” she said, holding out her arms.  “Come here!”

He stood up, and began to walk slowly towards her, tears streaming down his face. His shoulders were hunched, and his eyes were so full of  pain she could hardly bear to look at them.  He was holding on to his self-control remarkably well, she thought.

”It’s all right, love!” she said, putting a hand on his shoulder.  “You don’t have to put on a brave face in front of me!  Don’t keep it all inside when you don’t have to!”

The look he gave her was that of a lost little boy, who desperately needed his mother.  He looked almost scared, she thought, her heart breaking on his behalf.

“She’s gone, Eileen!” he said, breaking down completely.  “My wife, and my little ones!  It’s breaking my heart!  I’ve got no-one to kiss me goodnight!  I – I’ve got no-one to hold me….”

“Will I do for now?” she said, taking him in her arms.  “I know it’s not the same, but whenever you need a hug, my arms are always free!”

As he sobbed on Eileen’s shoulder, he resigned himself to the fact that Donna was not coming back any time soon.  When she had left, she had taken his heart along with her, and he felt like part of him was missing.  He hoped and prayed that he would be forgiven, because the bright colour they had brought to his life had suddenly turned to grey, and he knew it would remain that way until they walked back through that door.