Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Avoid The Black Ones
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1611 guests online and 6 members online
Shorts
Avoid The Black Ones
By coldbrain
09 April 2007
My first attempt a short story.

I light a cigarette and sit down. I can feel the metal chill of the bench through my jeans; the early spring sun had arrived and was bright but wasn't yet ready to warm the Earth. Winter was a recent memory but the recent mild weather had focused optimistic minds ahead to summer. But that would be another two months or more - there would be the inevitable April showers to negotiate first. I should buy a new umbrella.

Saturday lunchtime at the bus station. Groups of young skaters meet to take over the grey concrete: a day-long invasion, then back home in time for dinner. A pretty teenage girl sits on the steps and intermittently watches her friends jump off kerbs and slide down the station's banisters. She seems more interested in her book - Kerouac? Hard to tell from here. She folds the book back on itself and brushes her hair out of her eyes. I should read more Kerouac.

A man in a dark jacket walks past, breaking my view. He sits down on the bench opposite me and is flanked by an older man and a young boy. The three of them share the same long nose and pale complexion. They look like Russian dolls: the older man sat on the left, taller and fatter; the man in the dark jacket in the middle; the boy on the right. The boy is reading a comic and swinging his legs under then bench. He carefully rests the comic on his knees and sips from a can of Coke. For 1pm, the man looks exhausted. He rubs his face with his hands, perhaps attempting to jump-start his mood. He searches through his shopping bags for a few moments before resurfacing with a packet of cigarettes. He tears off the plastic wrapping, screws it up and tosses it back into the carrier bag. The old man sits motionless, absorbed in his newspaper. A cyclist goes by, riding one-handed and shouting into his phone.

The old man makes a loud spluttering noise and looks from his paper to the man in the jacket. "Bloody hell. It says here half the immigrants that came here last year haven't even got jobs. How can they live here and not pay tax?" He shakes his head.

The man lights a cigarette. He takes a long drag, looks around for a moment and exhales deeply. "That's just one way of looking at it. Does that number include partners and family members? Not everyone who was born over here works. But everyone pays tax in one way or another."

The old man doesn't seem to be listening. He carries on looking at the newspaper. "This country's gone to the dogs. Bloody foreigners." He spat the last two words out and screwed his face up, making the wrinkles under his eyes even deeper.

The young boy looks across. "This comic's got dogs in it, Grandad. Do you want to read it?"

The old man puts the paper down and looks across at the boy, smiling. "No thanks. Do you want some sweets? I've got some wine gums in here somewhere."

"You ought to read it, Dad. It's probably more realistic than that paper you're reading."

"Yes please. I like the red ones and the yellow ones. I quite like the green ones but they hurt my tongue. Don't give me the black ones, they're horrible."

The old man passes the bag of sweets across to the boy. "Here you go. You'll have to avoid the black ones."

The man in the jacket laughs to himself. "I'll write that on your gravestone, Dad."

My bus arrives noisily, coughing and spluttering just like the old man. I get on and sit by the window facing the family. The old man is standing up now, pointing at the man in the jacket with one hand and waving the newspaper with the other. The man just sits there, smoking and looking into the distance.

The boy is still swinging his legs and reading his comic. He looks happy. I should read more comics.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 9th April 2007
Interesting read. Something I suspect alot of us do - watch and project. A neatly turned out piece.  
 
Phil.

Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 9th April 2007
Very enjoyable, and as Phil said, interesting read.  
Especially enjoyed the whole "I should" thing. A very clever use of repetition and made the ending both funny and provocative.  
Like the way this takes on an issue. A clever metaphor with the sweets for what the old man is thinking. The title sums it up well. 
Overall a very good piece. Look forward to more.

Written by Lizzy (828 comments posted) 10th April 2007
Agree with the others. 
A simple seeming piece but with lots to it. 
I wonder about the observer! 
Enjoyed it. 
Lizzy

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 10th April 2007
First the pedanticisms: 
 
Be careful of tense. Most of this is in the present, but the first paragraph has a mixture (the early spring sun had arrived and was bright). 
 
'...realistic than that paper you're reading." 
 
"Yes please. I...' 
 
If this is the same person talking the double quotes at the end of 'reading' should be omitted, otherwise the reader assumes it is a different person talking. 
 
In the second paragraph you introduce a character, the teenage girl, then immediately drop her. She doesn't add anything to the story, except for the 'I should read...' line. OK, I know the repetition is good, but the temptation (that I can never resist) is always to over-write a short story. 
 
To counter this you could add another 'I should' or two. E.g. 'I should give up smoking' when the old man coughs. 
 
Otherwise a fun piece, and extremely good as a first ever short story.

Written by coldbrain (2 comments posted) 10th April 2007
Thanks for all your kind comments - let's see if they inspire to write anything else... 
 
Snodlander - you're absolutely right about the tenses.  
 
It is another person talking (the child) but I realised as I was writing that this wasn't perfectly clear. But I was trying to avoid writing "said X" over and over again. 
 
Oh, and the introduction of the teenage girl was just to show that the narrator is not doing anything important, and is people watching. And to further the repetition, I guess. She wasn't supposed to play any particular role or have any importance - although I'm sure there are better ways I could have achieved this. 
 
Thanks again!
nice touches .......
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 10th April 2007
........ is there a subliminal message here? Or is it just my cynicism, connecting your title with the reference to Immigrants, and the "this country's going to the dogs" comment ..... :eek  
 
Cleverly phrased, leaving the reader to decide how much (or otherwise!) s/he wants to read into it [or not, as the case may be!]

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item