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Shorts
Fool for Love
By rantman
10 April 2007
Dabbling in a film noir style.

I enter the room and single her out through the smoke and lust almost immediately; I am as captivated as always. I notice her, noticing me, noticing her and I smile, she does the same. She rises from her seat then hesitates, waiting for me to close the space between us, which I do in a heartbeat. She fills my mind, all I can see is her, all I can think is her. I reach for her as soon as I am close enough and she welcomes me in her arms. I am trembling. The world blurs around her, she has a face that would make a holy man weep and she smells like wild flowers on a dewy spring morning and as our mouths embrace for the first and last time, hot and wet, I plunge the thin steel blade into her poisonous heart. She barely makes a sound; a look of understanding flashes in her bright green eyes then she sets her jaw in grim determination as she draws her last sweet breath.

"I always knew you'd be a great kisser," I say, my voice all gravel and sawdust, as I take her weight in my arms. And as I slowly let her slip to the floor a small smile touches her cherry lips; defiant to the last. I expected nothing less.

I turn and walk away, never looking back, never giving her the satisfaction. I vow to forget her. I never do. Bitch!

Reviews

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 10th April 2007
Short and swee... hang on. Short, but not too sweet. You're developing quite a style. Very brief, but pretty effective. One to enjoy? Not really - but interesting all the same. 
 
Phil.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 11th April 2007
As an exercise in style it was effective if a bit cliched but it was all style and no context so it is difficult to really assess it. 
cheers 
J

Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 11th April 2007
With Phil. Also, the sentences were a tad long, some of them going over several lines. I would consider breaking them into shorter sentences

Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 12th April 2007
Agree with everyone else. Like the brevity, like the style. Agree with BBS about it being a bit cliched but then film noir is kind of all about cliches. One thing bothered me though: would a narrator really describe his voice as "all gravel and sawdust"? Just thought it sounded a bit weird. Not much random violence this time round, are you going soft? 
 
Effective piece.

Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 12th April 2007
The opening scene to Sin City?

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th April 2007
Effective and film noir indeed. The writing style -cliches, short, simple lines- fits into that picture. I'm personally not too fond of that style, but as you did it on purpose I should say it worked.

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