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By rantman
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10 April 2007 |
Dabbling in a film noir style.
I enter the room and single her out through the smoke and lust almost immediately; I am as captivated as always. I notice her, noticing me, noticing her and I smile, she does the same. She rises from her seat then hesitates, waiting for me to close the space between us, which I do in a heartbeat. She fills my mind, all I can see is her, all I can think is her. I reach for her as soon as I am close enough and she welcomes me in her arms. I am trembling. The world blurs around her, she has a face that would make a holy man weep and she smells like wild flowers on a dewy spring morning and as our mouths embrace for the first and last time, hot and wet, I plunge the thin steel blade into her poisonous heart. She barely makes a sound; a look of understanding flashes in her bright green eyes then she sets her jaw in grim determination as she draws her last sweet breath. "I always knew you'd be a great kisser," I say, my voice all gravel and sawdust, as I take her weight in my arms. And as I slowly let her slip to the floor a small smile touches her cherry lips; defiant to the last. I expected nothing less. I turn and walk away, never looking back, never giving her the satisfaction. I vow to forget her. I never do. Bitch! |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 10th April 2007 | Short and swee... hang on. Short, but not too sweet. You're developing quite a style. Very brief, but pretty effective. One to enjoy? Not really - but interesting all the same. Phil. | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 11th April 2007 | As an exercise in style it was effective if a bit cliched but it was all style and no context so it is difficult to really assess it. cheers J | Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 11th April 2007 | | With Phil. Also, the sentences were a tad long, some of them going over several lines. I would consider breaking them into shorter sentences | Written by alamo (32 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | Agree with everyone else. Like the brevity, like the style. Agree with BBS about it being a bit cliched but then film noir is kind of all about cliches. One thing bothered me though: would a narrator really describe his voice as "all gravel and sawdust"? Just thought it sounded a bit weird. Not much random violence this time round, are you going soft? Effective piece. | Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | | The opening scene to Sin City? | Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th April 2007 | | Effective and film noir indeed. The writing style -cliches, short, simple lines- fits into that picture. I'm personally not too fond of that style, but as you did it on purpose I should say it worked. |
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