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Written by Lizzy (800 comments posted) 11th April 2007 |
I am not apoet and cannot make comments on it as a poem but I thought it was very good.
The pace was very good and I can see the similarities between it and the Death March (I'm not a musician either)
I thought you managed to get just the right tone.
Lizzy |
Thanks Lizzy.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 12th April 2007 |
For your time and comments.
"The pace was very good and I can see the similarities between it and the Death March"
Thank you,
Brian
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 12th April 2007 |
I can see where you're coming from with this Brian. I also think there's some really good material here too. You hint yourself that the words didn't fit the music in the end. I think you've been caught between two ideas, the words and the music. There's enough here for a piece that was inspired by Chopin - but doesn't refer to the music, in rhythm at least, at all. The opening two lines echo one of my favourite Pink Floyd songs - Breathe. (Dark Side of the Moon) That too has a very melancholy feel. Lots to like, but stretched by the original inspiration.
Phil. |
Hi Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 12th April 2007 |
You're quite right. Originally I wrote driven by the music, but it became a straight jacket.
my favourite couplet is
"Misery's sheer starkness.
Music of the Darkness. "
The weakest is
"I hear your voice and it's sincere,
It says your love is ever near."
I'll have to have a look at the sheet music as Chopin makes clever use of rests in the melody line.
Thanks for thoughts,
Brian
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Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
| mm - I don't think it works doing this, unless the rhythm and meaning of the words can stand on their own. Chopin's been done a lot, so I know it's tempting: "None but the Lonely Heart" and so on. I worry when I see things in brackets, or inverted (forward we slowly go). I think you were trying too hard to use an artificial format. Interesting exercise though. I hope the funeral you're writing about was not one of someone close to you. |
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
Hi FP.
Originally it was a response to a flash poetry challenge. The theme was "Music of the darkness"
"Take 1
Feet moving slow
as we sadly forward go.
No turning back
along this lonely track.
Misery's sheer starkness
Music of the Darkness.
Feet moving slow
as we sadly forward go.
No turning back
along this lonely track.
Can remember clearly
When I held you dearly.
Feet moving slow
as we sadly forward go.
No turning back
along this lonely track.
10 mins but when I can find the CD I'm going to work on this"
I love this couplet
"Misery's sheer starkness
Music of the Darkness"
But the more I worked on it the further it escaped. Mind it could be worse I've toyed with "The Raindrop"
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian |
ah I see!
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
D'you know, I think it works better in version 1!
I haven't tried the Flash poetry challenges on this site, though i can turn in a mean piece quite quickly when i feel the need to do so (eg Celandines). |
Hi FP
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
"I haven't tried the Flash poetry challenges on this site"
No, me neither. It was elsewhere.
"D'you know, I think it works better in version 1! "
I think you're right.
Brian
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HI Brian
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
I like the original version better too. But there are some nice ideas in the last few stanzas of the new one that maybe could be added into the old one.
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Hi Jean
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
I believe that I should have stopped with version 1 but in the end I let the words take over and burst out.
Some you win some you lose,
Thanks for your tme and comments,
Brian. |
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