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The Case of the Missing Husband (Ch1. Ch2 in extended)
By Snodlander
12 April 2007
Somebody mentioned film noir, and it struck me that film noir was always stuck in the '40s.  Though not necessarily the 1940s...

Times were hard.  I wasn’t crying into my beer over it, mainly because I had spent all my credit on bourbon.  Times were hard for everyone.  Even the fatcats in the cities could only afford three holidays a year.  But the lower down the pile you got, the harder it hit.  And there weren’t too many mugs lower than me.

I had given Doris the day off.  I might as well, I figured.  I hadn’t been able to pay her this month, and I had a total of zero jobs.  Zip.  Nada.  All I could do was sit at my desk, stare at the empty bottle and pray that the phone would ring.  I’m not a religious man.  I’ve seen too much of the devil in people to believe in God.  But there comes a point when even the most ardent atheist prays, and I had passed that point days ago.

I heard the outer office door open.  Doris was a dope.  She loved me, that much was obvious, but why was a mystery.  I was a player.  I’d never be a one woman man.  Once, maybe, but I had had a stiletto heel driven through my heart too many times.  They weren’t all the same, dames, but in the end it all boiled down to them wanting something from me that I didn’t have or wouldn’t give up.  No, we were both better off out of it, but Doris was a sap.  I had told her I couldn’t pay her this month and still she paid for the office broadband and she came in when I told her to scram.

“What do you want?” I called out.  “I thought I told you to scram today.”

I saw the silhouette against the patterned glass of the connecting door.  OK, it was plastic, but it looked like glass, and in my business you can’t be too fancy.  The silhouette wasn't Doris'.  Not unless she had had major bodywork done.  The door opened and in flowed a complete stranger.

She moved with a grace that seemed to suggest that all her moving parts were lubricated and warmed up.  Every movement was like a catwalk model, as though the eyes of the world were on her.  I bet wherever she went the eyes of everyone were on her.  Her clothes were the sort of quality that even catwalk models would envy.  Her outfit was tailored to fit her exactly, no prêt a porter for her.

She curved in and out in all the same places that Doris did, but somehow her curves seemed to have the sort of warning signs you see on cliff-top roads.  Her makeup, if she wore any, was understated.  Makeup that looks less the more you put on was expensive.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not the sort of guy whose eyes bounce out on stalks every time a woman walks by.  I’m just a PI.  It’s in my nature to observe.

I observed the empty bourbon bottle on my desk, and casually slid it into the recycle bin.

“You want me to scram?”  Her voice matched her looks.  Sophisticated, educated, with a tone that made you want to throw her onto a bed.  She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and a smile teased her lips.  Forget the bed, I wanted to throw her onto the desk.

“Sorry.  I thought you were someone else.  Please, take a seat.”

She smoothed her skirt as she sat opposite me, legs demurely crossed, a Prada bag on her lap.  It looked like real leather, the sort you used to be able to get before the manufacture or import of leather goods was banned.  I wondered if it was a family heirloom.

“How can I help you?” I asked, pretending to be professional.

“Are you Mister Littlejohn?”

I bit back the immediate response.  The sign on the door didn’t have ‘and partners’.  It just said ‘Peter Littlejohn.  Private Investigator’.  Who else would I be, sitting at the only desk in the office.  A burglar?  I’d be out of luck if I was.  I’d have to tidy the place up before I ransacked it, and then the best thing I could find would be the empty bottle.

“Peter Littlejohn, at your service, Miss…”

“Debray.  Mrs.”  No first name.  And married.  That certainly put me in my place.

“I want you to find my husband.”

I nodded.  Divorce cases were my bread and butter, and if I didn’t take on some work soon, bread and butter would be a distant memory.

“Do you know the name of the other woman?”

She stared at me with a look so cold I felt like the captain of the Titanic.  “There is no other woman, Mister Littlejohn.  He has disappeared.  No warning, no clues.  Just disappeared.”  She reached into her cleavage and produced a lace handkerchief.  Class.  No paper tissues for this gal.  She dabbed at an eye, then tucked it back into her top, and I couldn’t help wondering how long it would stay moist down there.

“Do you mind if I smoke?” she asked, dipping into her bag without waiting for an answer.  Why wait?  No red-blooded man would deny her a request like that.

She lit a cigarette.  I could tell immediately that it was real tobacco, not the bland synthetic the government allowed you nowadays.  I vaguely recalled something about secondary smoke.  Could you catch cancer in a couple of minutes?  I wondered how much it cost to buy contraband like that.

“I should report you for that,” I told her, not serious.

She blew grey smoke into the office.  “Do.  The commissioner introduced me to the man that sells it.”  I wondered if the commissioner’s man sold leather bags too.

“Mrs Debray, I have to tell you.  In my experience, there’s always another woman, and the wife is the last to know.  I’m just warning you now, at the outset, so you can prepare yourself.”

“Mr Littlejohn, I have to tell you.  I love my husband, make no mistake about that, and I want him back.  But there have been other women before.  I’ve known about them.”  She shrugged.  “They’re cheaper than betting on the horses, and it keeps him happy, though God knows why.  Men need a hobby.  He hasn’t got a woman at the moment, and if he did, he wouldn’t run off with her.  Our pre-nup would make him a pauper, and he just would not be prepared to live as a pauper, Mr Littlejohn, not for all the sex he could handle.”

She took an elegant draw on her cigarette and looked around for an ashtray.  I pushed a paper cup towards her.  I can be classy too.  I never drink bourbon straight from the bottle if there’s a paper cup available.

Her marriage seemed… unusual.  I didn’t buy the love crap for a moment.  The eye seemed a little too dry to warrant a handkerchief.  She had played that move just to get me interested.  But who was I to judge on what made a good marriage?  I certainly wouldn’t make any moral judgements about her money.

“How long has he been missing?” I asked.

“Three days.  I know that doesn’t seem long, but you don’t know my husband, Mr Littlejohn.  Believe me, he has disappeared.  He hasn’t used his credit cards or phone, he hasn’t logged into his e-messenger.”

I raised my eyebrows.  “You have access to those logs?”

“Oh please.  How do you think I know about his hobby?”

“I’ll need his personal details.”

She reached into the bag again and withdrew a RAM stick.  “It’s all here.”

“I charge… eight hundred a day plus expenses.”  I had never got eight hundred a day, even with expenses, but she could afford it.

She nodded and took out a pre-pay chip.  “There’s two thousand on here as an advance.  I’ll expect receipts and frequent progress reports, Mr Littlejohn.”

“One more question.  Why me?  Why not the police?”

“No police!  At least, not yet.  I really do not want it known amongst our friends.  As far as they are concerned, he’s sick at the moment.  I want it to stay that way, for now.  As for you, you were recommended to me by a mutual acquaintance.  Mr Lovejoy.”

The name rang a bell.  Then I remembered.  Lovejoy.  A dentist Westside.  If ever there was an inappropriate name.  He was a joyless weasel of a man who suspected his wife was cheating on him.  One look at him and I had been certain she was.

How did that work, I wondered.  Did Mrs Debray say, “I want a crown fixed, and by the way, do you know a good PI?”

She stubbed the cigarette out half smoked into the paper cup and rose.  The interview was over.  Ever the gentleman, I rose too, but she was already at the door.  No handshake, then.

“My details are on the chip, Mr Littlejohn.  I’ll expect regular calls from you.”

Then all that was left of her was the fragrance of tobacco smoke and a hint of expensive perfume.

Reviews

Written by rui (150 comments posted) 12th April 2007
A nice little scene - it does read like the old serialised novels, where each chapter is a short story in itself.  
 
One minor criticism, the "voice" keeps switching accent. It starts off working well as an American, a very "Dick Tracy"-like voice, but sometimes turns into a Brit. Just in two places, that I could see. 
 
"The silhouette was most un-Doris-like. " would maybe work as "The silhouette looked expensive. Plainly not Doris." no, yes, maybe? 
 
" I could tell immediately that it was real tobacco, not the artificial, sterilised, tasteless crap the government allowed you nowadays. I wondered how much it cost to buy contraband like that." reads like an old man complaining about "bloody foreigners".  
 
Film noir doesn't rail against adversity, just describes it: "I could tell immediately that it was real tobacco, not synthetic. I wondered how much it cost to buy contraband like that." 
 
There's probably a couple of other places, but I can't force my "internal monologue" to sound like an American for very long at a time :roll

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 12th April 2007
Good points, rui. I am unsure of where this was set, and in any case, 40 years into the future, we all speak with a mid-atlantic voice. 
 
No, that's not going to work, is it. OK, busted. But I'm always nervous of sounding like the UK's answer to Dick van Dyke. 
 
If I continue with this, you'll see that the government is very different from what it is now, and so I wanted to make the point that tobacco was outlawed, not that people chose synthetic tobacco. 
 
But you're right. I need to make a cynical crack at cigarettes, not whine about them.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 12th April 2007
I think you caught the style and tone of it well. OK, it's cliched but film noir has to work within narrow parameters and you are following the path accurately.There were some nice humourous touches but the noir felt like noir-lite. It could have been a bit darker and more threatening 
And the antiheroes though sleazy do have their own moral code,perhaps we'll see that later 
Great piece of writing,though 
Jane

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 12th April 2007
I also liked the feel of this scene, I kept hearing Steve Martin in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (I don't know if that's a good thing or not!) 
I didn't have a problem with 'the voice', for I am a firm believer that at some point in the very near future our street language will become almost unrecognisable to what we know now. An American, African, Asian, Mishmash.  
 
However, there were a couple of pieces that didn't work too well for me: 
"I bit back the immediate response. The sign on the door didn’t have ‘and partners’. It just said ‘Peter Littlejohn. Private Investigator’. Who else would I be, sitting at the only desk in the office. A burglar? I’d be out of luck if I was." 
Most of your/his dialogue up to this point had been succinct, and works well because of it. So then in walks a woman with all of her curves in the right places and......there is no way that he is going to be thinking.. "The sign on the door didn’t have ‘and partners’. It just said ‘Peter Littlejohn. Private Investigator’. Who else would I be, sitting at the only desk in the office. A burglar?" 
 
"Her makeup, if she wore any, was understated. Makeup that looks less the more you put on was expensive." Would your character actually be thinking like this if... "I’m just a PI. It’s in my nature to observe." But he isn't certain whether she is wearing make-up! How about - "Her makeup was understated. The kind of makeup that looks less the more of it you put on. Expensive!" 
 
You appear to be going out of your way to get across the idea of just how different the future is (the tobacco issue has already been covered), but...  
"It looked like real leather, the sort you used to be able to get before the manufacture or import of leather goods was banned. I wondered if it was a family heirloom." 
I was given a full lion skin and a zebraskin drum as wedding gifts. I don't condone that sort of thing, however they were dead before I got them. The point being, would your character be thinking like this if he lives in this world? He appears to be making idle comments about things that he should really be taking for granted. 
So how about - "It looked like real leather. She didn't strike me as the kind of dame that would be seen carrying contraband, so I guessed it must be a family heirloom." 
I am reminded of the directors cut of Bladerunner, where the voice over was removed and the audience are left to 'accept it and just get on with it'. Your voice needs to be the voice of a person who lives in this world, so don't keep trying to explain everything all the time. 
 
Hope this helps 
Best wishes 
Steve. 
 
PS. I look forward to reading part 2. so please don't do what everybody else seems to do at GW (I.E. Not finish what they have started.)

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 12th April 2007
Will everybody really sound like Americans in a couple of decades? I can't wait that long! 
 
Maybe I've just been over here (and none of the rest) too long, but I didn't think this sounded British, though I do like Rui's suggestion about changing 'un-Doris-like.' I kept picturing Bob Hoskins in 'Who Killed Roger Rabbit' here -- I know that Bob Hoskins really is British, but he does a very believable American accent. I even pictured Jessica Rabbit as Mrs Debray.  
 
I really enjoyed this and eagerly await the next installment. And there had better be one.

Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 12th April 2007
I'll definitely keep reading if you keep writing. I didn't think this sounded British either, I could hear this in an American accent. 
Nice piece. 
 
~Claire

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 13th April 2007
you have a very entertaining style. i enjoyed reading this and would read more..liked the narrator's voice and his witty quips, liked the plaggy door LOL!...great descriptions..i knew in the first para he was a PI...yes definitely a mike hammer feel to this, a good character you've created there and i can't wait to meet doris..the voice seemed fine to me, american enough, maybe an american would be a better judge...look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 13th April 2007
You certainly caught the style of Kike Hammer etc - I'll defer to those who know better about specific vocabulary - just to say- it read fine to me. 
 
While I enjoyed this, and it was a successful intro, I'm not sure I could read chapter after chapter of cliche. It works well for a short piece, but I'm unsure about anything longer. Time will tell I suppose. 
 
Phil.

Written by Lizzy (793 comments posted) 14th April 2007
I enjoyed this, very amusing. 
I did find myself reading it with an American accent and found it very Chandleresque. 
Interested to know how it will pan out but with Phil not sure it would be easy to read if it carried on in the same way( was going to put vein, vain, vane but wasn't sure which and couldn't be bothered to look it up!) 
Lizzy

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