After reading all of your helpful comments, I've just rewritten this, incorporating some of the bits I deleted four and a half years ago. I haven't added any other kid interactions -- those will come later -- but I have put in more of Katie's reactions to the library. Let me know if you think this is any better -- I myself think it is improved.
Three days later, Brian was back at school. The minute Katie spotted him with his red backpack, she was out the door in a flash. Brian looked tired and pasty from being indoors so long, but he was pleased to see her.
“The itching was terrible, like thousands of mosquito bites,” he said. Katie was impressed: you could still see some of the spots.
“And the hospital was gross. Have you ever been to the hospital?”
Katie merely shook her head. Her mother had briefly explained what hospitals were and she had no desire to know more.
“They had to stick a needle my back,” said Brian matter-of-factly.
Katie gasped involuntarily. “Why?”
Brian frowned. “They said it was to take out some kind of juice that might have germs in it. They had to take blood out of my arm, too."
“Really?”
“Really. It was kind of cool the way they did it.”
Katie stared at him. How in the world could that be cool?
“Why out of your arm?”
“Dunno really. You’d figure it’d be easier to take it out of your neck, wouldn’t you?”
Katie found her hands straying up to her throat and Brian laughed.
“Anyway – forget about all that. I’m better now. And your mom’s medicine really dried up my spots – not like the stuff they used at the hospital.”
“She grows it all herself,” said Katie. “That’s what we both do all day in the garden.”
“Well it worked so well on me that the doctor said I could go back to school right away,” said Brian. Oddly enough, he didn’t sound very happy about it.
When Wednesday came, Katie awoke bright and early.
“Not hungry today?” her mother asked, as Katie toyed unenthusiastically with her bean soup.
“No, not really.” She was too excited to eat.
By 3:30, Katie was at the front room window, ready to leave the minute Brian arrived. And suddenly, there he was coming down the street, his bright red backpack bumping back and forth as he ran. Katie called out a good-bye to her mother. Grabbing her coat, she was out the door even before Brian had reached their gate.
It was the middle of January, and bitterly cold. Snow lay on the ground in thin patches, and Katie and Brian skipped and ran all the way to the library, laughing when they skidded on the icy sidewalks. Katie could have wept for joy as she raced along, trying to keep up with Brian: suddenly she felt just like one of those children she always heard on their way to school every morning. In less than ten minutes, they were at the library.
The front door was heavy and old. Brian pulled it open and they stepped inside. Katie gasped. What hit her first was the smell – the most wonderful smell she could imagine. When she mentioned it to Brian, he nodded.
“Know what it is?”
Katie shook her head.
“It’s books. That’s what tons and tons of books smell like when they’re all in one place. I think it’s the paper in them mixed with the ink – and something else too. But there’s just no smell like it.”
Katie gazed around her. There were thousands of books – row after row of them in bookcases. It made her weak in the knees to see so many books in one place. She turned to Brian, whispering. “Are we allowed to touch them?”
Brian laughed. “Of course! That’s what they’re there for! But first I want to show you the other stuff.”
Katie could barely keep track of everything. She trailed after Brian, trying to remember everything he told her and showed her, but it wasn’t easy.
“Check this out, Katie,” he said, opening a door to a room filled with machines and rows and rows of shelves. “This is the AV Room.” Katie nodded and tried to look as though she understood.
“Lavatory!” he announced, opening another door. Katie peeked inside. Toilets! How convenient!
“Drinking fountain,” said Brian next, showing her how you could make the water squirt up. Katie shook her head in wonder.
All the people working there greeted Brian by name; they seemed to know him well.
“How’s school?” one woman asked him. Brian made a face and groaned and Katie felt a stab of envy. Nothing Brian had told her about school made it sound bad to her.
“Who’s this?” asked an elderly woman, smiling at Katie.
Brian smiled proudly back. “This is my friend Katie.”
“Nice to meet you, Katie,” said the woman. “I’m Bessie.”
Katie nodded. She felt terribly shy and awkward, but thrilled all the same. My friend Katie Brian had said!
“Come on, Katie – I’ll show you the books!”
Katie could not take it all in. There were books about everything you could imagine – people, places, animals, rocks, planets. The ones she liked the best were the books with pictures in them. How perfectly detailed and clear the illustrations were – so different from anything she or her mother could produce – even better than the pictures in her mother’s books! When she mentioned this to Brian, though, he frowned. “Those aren’t drawings, Katie, they’re photographs. Like, with a camera.” Katie nodded and pretended to understand, but she felt embarrassed all the same. Why was it that every time she talked to Brian she felt so stupid?
Brian immediately began taking books off the shelves, but Katie took her time trying to find just the right one. She finally settled on a book about cats. It told you everything you wanted to know about cats and even a few things you might not want to know, such as cat illnesses like mange, runny eyes, and tapeworm infections, all with the same fantastically detailed pictures that Brian had called photographs. Still, even with the pictures of mangy cats and the diagrams of tapeworms, Katie was so engrossed that she completely lost track of the time.
If the woman across from her hadn’t sneezed, Katie probably wouldn’t have thought to look up at the clock. She had a brief moment of panic. It was almost 4:30!
“Brian, I have to go home!” she whispered, nudging him.
Brian jumped. “Hunh?”
“I have to go home now. I promised.”
Katie was worried that Brian would tell her to go home on her own, but he gathered up his stack of books. “Okay.”
Katie frowned. “Don’t you have to put those back?” she whispered. Katie’s mother got cross with her if she didn’t put things back after using them.
“No, I’m going to check ‘em out.”
Katie followed him, mystified. She had seen people leaving the library with stacks of books, but she had assumed that they were buying them.
Brian pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to the woman at the desk. Then he put his books down and she did something magic with each book, using his card and a little machine. The woman handed him back the books with a smile. “See you next week, Brian. And maybe you too, Katie?” Katie flushed and tried to smile. How she hoped!
Brian put his books in his backpack. “Bye, Bessie. Thanks.”
Katie followed Brian out of the library, mystified. “Did you… buy those books?”
Brian laughed. “Of course not,” he said. “I checked them out, what did you think?” He turned and looked at her. Katie squirmed, but did not answer.
They walked side by side, quiet for a while. Then Brian looked at her again, thoughtfully. “You know,” he said, “You are seriously different. At school, they think I’m weird, but you’re even – well, you’re much more different than I am. You’re the most different person I’ve ever met.”
Katie didn’t know whether to feel flattered or offended. So she kept silent.
“You’ve never been anywhere, never done anything. So everything’s fun for you. That’s great. I mean, I go to the library every week. Most kids could go anytime they wanted to, you know. Their moms would be thrilled if they went. But you’ve never been, so you think it’s like, you know, the greatest thing in the world.”
Katie looked at Brian to see if he was making fun of her. But he wasn’t. She could see that.
“Hey, I’m not making fun of you” said Brian, just at that moment, as though he had known what she was thinking.
They walked along in silence for a minute or two. Then Brian spoke again, quietly.
“Let’s always be friends, even when we’re old, okay?”
“All right.”
“Ask your mom if you can go to the library again next week. I mean, if you want to.”
“Of course I want to.”
Brian looked pleased. “Do you think she’ll say yes”?
“I don’t know. I hope so. Um, Brian?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think I could…at the library, um, do you think they’d let me…” Katie could not remember the expression Brian had used.
“What, check out books?”
“Yes! Do you think I could? Can anybody do it?”
“Sure, yeah, of course. Anybody. I’ll ask my mom what you’re supposed to do to get a card. It’s really easy to get one, though.”
It was growing dark. A bitter wind began to blow as they hurried along. But Katie, who could think of nothing but getting her own library card, hardly felt the cold.
That night, Katie’s mother listened to her account of the marvels of the library as she ladled soup into wooden bowls. Hot mushroom soup tonight. From time to time, Katie’s mother would look at her thoughtfully, a perplexed look on her face as though she was waiting for something, and Katie wished once again that they could talk. Brian said that he and his mother talked to each other all the time; his father, however, almost never talked to anyone. That was one of the reasons why he and Brian’s mother had gotten a divorce. Katie had asked Brian all about divorce – what it meant and who got divorced from whom and why. Only adults got divorced from each other, it seemed, and usually it was men and women who got divorced from each other. Parents and children were different: if you were a kid and your mother didn’t talk to you, you couldn’t get a divorce from her.
Katie stared glumly at the bottom of her soup bowl. One of the books she'd seen at the library had a picture of a family eating dinner together. Their table, covered in a flawlessly white tablecloth, groaned with bowls of exotic looking food that Katie could only guess at. The children's faces said it all, though – happy and smiling as they fairly drooled over the many dishes in front of them, forks and knives at the ready. She sighed deeply and dipped her spoon into her last bit of now-cold soup. She hated mushrooms.
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Hi Mary Written by jean.day (2190 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
| Good chapter, but a bit bland. The others will tell you, probably, that this is good child friendly writing, but I think the first few chapters had more bite and excitement to them. I'm not sure how you can make a visit to the library more exciting. It seemed like they had just arrived, and then it was time to check out books. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 13th April 2007 |
Like jean said, very child friendly. I am growing so fond of Katie. The line about the toilets made me laugh and i love how Brian introduced her as his friend and that he wanted to be friends even when they were old. Most boys that age think girls are silly, so Brain is as special as Katie, and i'm sure he has a story too. Am enjoying this.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th April 2007 |
Thank you for your reviews, Jean and Gill. I probably do need to spice this chapter up a bit, Jean, and my husband is thrilled that you made this comment because he has told me the very same thing! When I first wrote this book, I didn't put in chapters. It was only after I finished writing that I went back and tried to divide it up into suitable chunks, and I found doing that to be almost harder than the actual business of writing it. And rewriting it, or editing, rather, has been the hardest thing of all. I'm glad that you like Katie, Gill. I've been trying to make her a little less wimpy -- she is prone to bursting into tears too easily, and she could use a little more gumption. But her character will develop as the book progresses. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th April 2007 |
Still reading this Mary though I've not had the time to comment sensibly. It's interesting - I think one of the things that attracts me to a character is their flaws. That's what makes them real people rather than stereotypes. So in my eyes it's good that she's a little bit wimpy and has room to develop! I found this chapter a touch awkward in places - it's hard to portray a character who is unfamiliar with much of modern life whilst of necessity giving her a decent vocab and knowledge of some things. I think the description of the library was the only bit that perhaps didn't work for me. Actually. I found myself wanting to know more about the children Brian introduced Katie to and hers and their reactions with the stuff about the water fountain etc incidental to that thread. If that makes any sense - bit of a different angle I guess and might give it more bite. I think Jean's right about that. I'm sounding more negative than I mean to, I'm enjoying this and intrigued as to how it is going to progress. Elli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 14th April 2007 |
Thank you for your review, Elli. I've rewritten this story so many times and see now that this chapter has been too well condensed. Originally it was longer, but because the entire book is so long (way over 10,000 words when first written), I started whittling things off in an attempt to shorten it. Now I wonder if I shouldn't have left some chapters longer and made 'The False Child' into two books instead of one. There is a sequel to this, too, though I haven't looked at it in about four years. I can always add to this, though, and my husband agrees with you and Jean that more would be better than less here. Fortunately, 'more' is very easy for me; it is 'less' that I find problematic. |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
If I had this book in my lap I would be reading the next chapter. So I am still caught up in the story. However, I wasn't keen on this chapter as much as the earlier ones. I interpreted "everyone" as the staff of the library and some regular visitors. In my mind there were no children there. Probably because that is what my library was like when I was of school age. I notice Elli saw children. Perhaps you could clarify the people who are there. How busy is it? Like Elli, I didn't really care about the drinking fountain, or the toilets because I imagined that Katie would have rushed straight to the nearest non-fiction section and stared at it for ages. Imagine books on travel, sailing, DIY etc to a person who's only read books on plants and herbs (or am I wrong about that?). I imagine her mind would be racing with possibilities. She'd be too overwhelmed to pick one. Maybe in the end she would pick one up on trees or something and want to take it home to show her mum? I imagine she wouldn't like the fiction section as much as the non-fiction, at least until she'd been shown. If you've only read for information, you're not going to immediately understand the point in telling and hearing stories. Brian would probably find this odd - most children don't visit the non-fiction section unless they need to for their homework. (Or perhaps I'm not giving Brian enough credit?) Katie's would be so excited being in new surroundings, the potential the books represent, the freedom that they promise. At least that's what I imagined. I thought it would have been better if Katie had cottened on quicker that you can take books home and Brian had asked the woman behind the counter for a card for his friend. The woman could have handed Katie a form to take home and fill in. Katie would be quite excited about the form too, and then she would be walking away with a souvenier and something to show her mum. (Or maybe this would spoil the story - I don't know what's happening next.) I hope this doesn't sound negative and I hope my suggestions are not cheeky. I am really enjoying the story and I like Katie a lot. She seems the opposite of wimpy to me. A wimpy child wouldn't have spoken to Brian in the first place. Anyway, looking forward to the next one! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
Signa, that is a wonderfully complex and thoughtful review, and I will certainly take all your comments into consideration when I rewrite this. I really am grateful for the time and thought you put into this. My main focus in this chapter was to get Katie and Brian to the library and back. Brian is a typical kid in some respects; he takes trips to the library so much for granted that he overlooked the fact that Katie did not have her own card and might want one. Because in many respects Brian is urealistically considerate, given his age, I am anxious to make him as kid-like as possible when I can. As for whether Katie would go for non-fiction instead of fiction, my feeling was that she would be so overwhelmed on this first trip that she wouldn't know which was which at first and Brian might not realize her confusion. He is thrilled because he has a friend to go to the library with him -- something that he's always hoped for, but never had, for various reasons. Caught up in his own excitement, he has failed to take into consideration some of Katie's needs, and her unusual situaiton. You're right -- I had envisioned very few children at the library, though in its original version, there were two children who snubbed Brian. Maybe I'll bring them back in! |
Written by Lizzy (781 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
I'm still enjoying the story but with the others didn't find this chapter as good as previous ones. I understand what you say about writing too much, once you start to write it's difficult to stop. I found myself wondering about things she saw on the way to the library and her reactions and what she thought of other children and their attitudes towards her. Looking forward to the next chapter. Lizzy |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
| Thank you, Lizzy. There really will be plenty of Katie's reactions to the world around her, and especially, her interactions with other children, which, as you can imagine, won't be all smooth sailing. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
Crikey, I feel intimidated by the quality of some of these reviews - I think Sigma should be especially praised. It seems such a cop out after that to just say I agree with her - but I do. The chapter opened and closed well, but the detail inbetween lacked its usual visual quality. Still gripped by the story though and looking forward to next. Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
Thank you, Phil. I've just made some changes to this chapter, so if you don't mind, could you look at it again and let me know what you think? Plenty more detail in there now -- and if I hadn't trimmed this down to begin with, it might have been okay... I'm shocked and stunned by the response to this too, and slavishly grateful that so many people have taken the trouble! I know that it is redundant to offer 'grateful thank yous', but nevertheless that is what I feel. Not just plain old thank yous, but grateful ones. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
I know you've not changed the ending of this, but on second reading, it's even better - fabulous. This did read better - but I still think you might be missing something here. (Sorry) I assume this is the first time Katie has been away from the house without her mother, let alone first time in a library. I was thinking about what it would be like for her. Sensory overload probably. You kind of get that sense when she gets lost in a book - but then the whole hour's up. It just doesn't convey (to me at least) that sense of wonder or fear of all the new things she is experiencing. I hope this all makes sense. Please don't think I'm not enjoying this - I am - very much. I just hope what I've said is useful. I could be way off the mark of course. Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th April 2007 |
Thank you, Phil. But as I am an overwriting junkie, you are just enabling me! Before I know it, I'll have turned this one chapter into War and Peace and I'll have to whittle it all back down again... Seriously, in the next chapter (or perhaps the one after that), Katie will get a big sensory overload. This really is part of a whole, and I don't want to overdose on the overload. I'll consider rewriting this chapter after I've submitted the other chapters, when you have had a chance to see how this fits into the whole. |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 16th April 2007 |
I'm beginning to get the picture about Katie's mom. Right now I imagine her as some sort of extreme new-age/wicca type, pretty smart, but a little bit messed up. It's funny she somehow reminds me of an aquaintance who lives in a squatted house with her 4-year-old daughter. They don't have electricity and water and the kid thought it was incredibly funny that her grandparents bathed in drinking-water. Of course that kid goes to school and watches TV (if there's enough sunlight or wind to provide electricity), and her mom is very easy going. I'm curious how this is going to continue. Both Katie and Brian can learn a lot from eachother I think, and I'm curious about the backstory of Katie's mom. are the farmers going to come back in the story? They were funny :-) |
Written by Lizzy (781 comments posted) 16th April 2007 |
This does read better with your changes. I'm beginning to feel some of the excitement that Katie would have felt on her first visit to the library. Lizzy |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 16th April 2007 |
Thank you, Lizzy. I still remember the smell of books -- a lot of them all in one place -- as being one of the most exciting things about a library. I think it's time to post the next chapter -- this one has already had a lot more attention than it deserves. |
Hi Mary Written by jean.day (2190 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
| This is so much better the second time around. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
| Thank you, Jean. I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have edited this so drastically in the first place. But never mind: I can always add more to it. |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
I think this is much better! I really enjoyed reading this version. I like the way we hear Brian speak about his hospital experience directly now. I also liked the book of cats (mange - nice!) and finding out the womans name was Bessie. And the extra bit on the end about the family photo that sticks in her head - that really added something extra to the end. She's really starting to realise that she's not content where she is. Are you deliberately making Katie's food sound horrible? Every time she eats, any appetite I have vanishes. I hope she's not going to discover junk food makes her happy. She's so healthy and strong on her current diet - it would be a shame. I'm really enjoying this and looking forward to the next one! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
I've just read this and like the modifications you have made, nice touches Jane |
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