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Poetry
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Tripping
By Z4NEY
14 April 2007
Makes You Think, What Is Going On Around Us, Never Done This Myself, Bit Deep And On The Darkside.
Newcomer On This Site, And I Really Hope I will Enjoy Myself. The Reviews, I Will Give, And The Reviews I will Get,  Hmmm . Embarassed x

As I stick the needle into my vein,
Fuck knows why I am doing this again,
Going on a trip to the unknown,
Like a dead bird that has never flown.


Down the deep dark alleys, I see a tree,
And somehow its talking to me,
I respond with laughter, tears and pain,
The black clouds open with spiky rain.


My body heavy and wet, I fall through the ground,
Screaming with fear, but there is no bastard around,
My heart pounding, with red sweat from my pores,
With dark visions, my head is cracking, and so sore.


I am pulled away with the speed of light,
Looking up at patchy skies, and stars so bright,
Back in my bed with knotted sheets on the floor,
I struggle for the needle as I need  more.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 15th April 2007
Before I review I have to admit that (fortunately) I have never been directly involved with the drugs scene. 
 
Overall your poem did give a feeling of despair and anger, but it is very clumsy in execution. Some of the lines are a little forced, I suspect because you've tried too hard to make the rhyme fit. Some ideas leave me a little confused. eg/ 
Going on a trip to the unknown, 
Like a dead bird that has never flown. 
 
This might be worth reworking in a less structured way. I think that might suit the subject more. Others may disagree - just an opinion. 
 
Phil.
Tripping
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 15th April 2007
I have been involved with drugs, addicts and dealers since 1963, and believe me there is nothing glamorous about the whole scene. 
However, we are here to discuss the merits of the poetry not the contents.  
I agree with Phil to a point. Perhaps if you wrote more freely and forgot to make it rhyme it would have more impact. Just a thought. I don't particularly like the use of the F word in poems, but if you think it is relevent then OK.(I'm not really a boring old fart). I feel this is a good start to your GW website postings and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Not your usual
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 15th April 2007
I like this. The topic isn't one I think I've ever come accross on this site, which is always good. 
 
You make good use of rhyme [mostly] but I think if you weighted your words a bit more you could be more effective. 
 
I love the words and the rhythm ["my body heavy and wet" - surreal, but we somehow know what you mean], but I could do with a bit more of a scene? Just old habits :roll [no punn intended] 
 
well done, looking forward top reading more. 
 
PS sorry about persistent use of brackets, it's a bit of a twitch I have.

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