Chapter 22

Adjusting to life without Donna was not proving to be easy.  Night after night he would wake up and reach out for her, and realise the other side of the bed was empty.  Sometimes he would dream that they were still together, and then wake up to find nothing had changed, then he would turn his face into the pillow, and cry himself to sleep.  One morning, after yet another sleepless night, he forced himself to get out of bed, and headed straight for the shower in an attempt to make himself feel half human.  He hesitated before going downstairs, and, for the first time since Donna had left, he opened the door of Clare’s room, and went inside.  It looked so empty, and it was so quiet.  He stood there for a moment, fighting back tears, then made his way downstairs – half expecting to see Rosie come running up to him, with her arms open wide, ready for her morning kiss.  As he went into the kitchen to make the first of many cups of coffee, he looked out into the garden – Donna’s pride and joy.  How long would it look like this, he thought, without her magic touch.  Then again, the garden wasn’t the only thing that needed her magic touch.  He missed her so much it was almost like a physical ache, and she was the only one who could cure it.

He was startled back into reality by the telephone ringing.  Could it be….. 

“Donna?” he said, before the person on the other end could draw breath.

“No, mate!” said a gruff male voice.  “It’s me -  Mike!  I was just ringing to see how you are!”

“I thought you were Donna!” he said, trying to control the tremor in his voice, but not much got past Mike.

“You hoped I was!” he replied, his voice gentle.  “Try not to push things!  Give her time, mate!  She’s hurting…..”

“So am I!” he yelled, beside himself.  “I know I stuffed up, and I deserved every word she said to me, but why did she have to take my children?”

“Well..” said Mike, choosing his words very carefully.  “I think this is the kick up the backside you needed – you wouldn’t listen when she warned you of all the grief it was causing, so she decided to make you listen!  This might not be what you wanted to hear, but sometimes the truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

“I can’t believe you just said that!” he snapped, his voice rising in anger.  “I thought you were my friend!  I thought I could rely on you to help me through this, to support me!  But all you’re doing is putting the knife in – then twisting it!  If that’s all you’ve got to say, then don’t bother ringing me again!  As far as I’m concerned, you can go to hell!”

“Come on, Jon!” said Mike, his voice calm, hoping it would have some effect.  “You don’t mean that!  You must admit, there’s some truth in what I said – but you know I’ll always be here if you need me!”

“Well, I’ve got news for you!” he snapped, his voice low and angry.  “I don’t need you!  I can manage quite well on my own!  Do you hear me, I don’t need you, I…..”

“Yes, you do!” said Mike, ever patient, ever reasonable.  “I’m sorry if I seemed a little harsh, I didn’t mean to – that was the last thing I wanted!  Please, let me be your friend – that’s all I want to do!  There’s no point in being at each other’s throats – you've got a concert coming up any day now!”

“I don’t know if I can face it, Mike” he said, he was on the verge of losing it.  “All those people – when all I want to do is shut myself away and hide!  My whole world is falling apart, and I’ve got to plaster a huge smile on my face, and sing my heart out.  I don’t even want to sing any more, Mike!  There’s no reason any more!”

“You can’t let those people down!” said Mike, gently.  “They paid good money to come and see you, and you have to do your best to entertain them – that’s all they ask of you.”

“Okay, but it won’t be easy – knowing Donna and Rosie will be in the front row!"

As they got ready for the show, Jon sat there in a chair deep in thought – he would rather be anywhere else but here. Mike glanced in his direction.

“It’ll be all right, mate!” he said, putting a hand on his shoulder.  "You'll get through it – you’ll be fine!  I'm here for you”

“Thanks, Mike!” he said. "I’m sorry, I should have never said what I did to you – you were only telling me the truth!  I didn’t mean any of it, I didn’t know what I was saying, I do need you”

“Don’t say another word!” said Mike, putting a comforting arm around his shoulders.  “I know what you’re trying to say – I’ll always be here, you know that.  Come on, I think they’re waiting for you!”

As he walked down the winding corridors towards the stage, he could hear the cheers getting louder and louder as he got closer. The whole theatre erupted as he walked out on to the stage.  He waited for the cheers to die down, then there was a moment’s silence before he began his first song.  As he welcomed them to the show, a little voice shouted out:

“Sing, daddy!  Hurry up!”

A ripple of laughter echoed around the theatre, and Jon tried desperately to keep a straight face.  He glanced at Donna, but her head was averted, as she told Rosie to be quiet, otherwise she would take her back to grandma’s!

“Well!” he said, finally in possession of his self-control.  “I’d better do as my daughter says, hadn’t I?”

He was answered by loud cheers and whistles, and he launched straight into the first song.  As the show went on, he would glance every now and then at Donna and Rosie, and, although Rosie was smiling ecstatically at him, Donna’s face remained expressionless, almost as though she did not want him to know what she was feeling.  He was desperate to gain her attention, and this show might be the only chance he would have for some time, so he decided to do something that he had not done at any of the other shows.   A hush fell over the entire theatre, and, clutching the microphone in his hand as though his life depended on it, he began to sing:

“Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world,
And if you did, was she crying, crying?
Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl, who walked out on me,
Tell her I’m sorry, tell her I need my baby….”

He glanced at Donna, to see her reaction.  Were there tears in her eyes, or was it just his imagination?  The moment passed too quickly for him to be sure.  Maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see.  As he sang the final line:

“Oh, won’t you tell her that I love her!”, a little voice shouted out:

“I love you, too, daddy!”

The ‘oh’s’ and ‘ah’s’ echoed around the theatre, and people looked at each other and smiled.  Suddenly it was all too much, and everyone was stunned into silence, as he put his hand over his face, and wept silently.  He stood up and replaced the microphone back on its stand, and ran from the stage.

“I’m sorry!  I’m so sorry!”

Rosie looked up at Donna, a look of confusion on her face.  Donna was lost in her own thoughts. He was taking this very hard, she was thinking, but there was no other way as far as she could see.  He had let her down once too often – how could she believe a word he said any more.  Once trust had gone, it was very difficult to get it back.

Ever the consummate professional, he pulled himself together, and came back on stage – putting his heart and soul into every song, just like he had always done.  Despite everything, his voice still touched her soul like no other ever had, or ever could.  If she didn’t love him, why did it affect her like this?  Maybe she… no, she didn’t, she told herself, firmly.  As far as she was concerned, that was it – it was over!   Men!  Who needed them, she thought, they were nothing but trouble…

Although he never ceased to be amazed at the reaction he received from the audience, he was thankful that tonight’s show was over – it had been hard going, and he was extremely tired.  Despite this, as had been the custom at previous shows, he still planned to meet people at the stage door to sign tour programmes etc.  He hoped he would never become too big to stay close to the people who put him where he was – many of them had stuck with him right from the start, and they were very dear to his heart.  It took him a little while to sign all the tour programmes that were being shoved at him, because he did not want to leave anyone out. He was so busy looking in all directions, as people shouted his name, that he did not notice one particular fan watching from a distance, not wanting to get caught up in the crush.  As they made their way to the tour bus, they saw her  - it was Emily. Mike was amazed when Jon completely ignored her, and climbed on to the bus, sinking gratefully into one of the plush, comfortable seats.

“Aren’t you going to talk to her, then?” he said, incredulously.  “You can’t just ignore her!”

“Get off my case, Mike!” he snapped, turning away from him.  “I’m not in the mood!”

“You heartless git!” said Mike, looking out of the window.  “She’s crying her eyes out!  How could you?  She’s only a child!  I thought you loved kids!”

He looked at Mike, tears streaming down his face.  He was shocked into silence.

“I do!” he said, as tears of complete and utter exhaustion suddenly overwhelmed him.  “But my love for her has cost me the love of my wife, and my own children!  Just seeing her reminds me of what I’ve lost!  I shouldn’t have ignored her, but I didn’t know what else to do!  It hurts me just to look at her – I can’t take any more!  So help me, I can’t take any more!”

“Come on!” said Mike, sitting on the seat next to him.  “You’re tired! Everything always seems worse than it is when you’re tired!  Things will look better in the morning!”

He was completely incapable of answering, he just sat there with his head on Mike's shoulder, and, before long, he was asleep.   Mike sat there reflecting – all this had happened through one chance meeting – pure fate.  He looked at his dear friend, and hoped with all his heart that fate would step in once more – and give him his life back again.