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I went swimming the other day in the newly renovated pool in the local leisure centre. I couldn’t see anything wrong with the old pool but they’d spent a small fortune ‘improving’ it; installing crazy water slides, floating rings, a giant wave machine, whirlpools and a Jacuzzi. It even had some cute little cartoon character water jets plonked here and there for the kiddies to squirt each other. In fact there was something for everyone - every entertainment, diversion and novelty you could possibly want - unless you wanted to actually swim. You could slide, splash, squirt, jump, bob or flounder but it was impossible to swim even the shortest distance without being buffeted by the waves, sprayed by a bloody cartoon penguin or dive-bombed by the leaping, shrieking children raining down from all sides. If, in a previous life, you had the misfortune to be amongst a cargo of orphans which was shipwrecked one terrible night in a violent storm on the Cornish coast, it was like that. Only noisier.
There was another pool next door where the waters were calm and inviting but that was divided into lanes and full of big, beefy types in goggles and skimpy trunks - serious lane swimmers who think nothing of doing forty lengths in a session, churning powerfully back and forth like Mississippi riverboats. They wouldn’t welcome a casual intruder like me bobbing irresponsibly in their path. Because what if I want to swim widthways? or diagonally? or, just for the hell of it, swim round in circles? What if I want to stop in the middle and float for a bit looking up at the ceiling dreaming about the bacon butty I’m going to have when I get out. In the old pool I could do that. And I could do it confident in the knowledge that I would not be carpet bombed by shrieking orphans or ploughed under in the wash of a passing riverboat. But now that’s all gone. My swimming pool has been dumbed down. So, if you ‘re not up to doing forty competitive lengths in a pair of fertility-threatening trunks off you must go to splash and shriek with children and oafs. All I want is a big blue hole full of warm water. It’s not much to ask is it?
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Just a Big Blue Hole
Written by Diplomat (28 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | It's Monday morning and I didn't feel like starting work so read this instead. Loved it, loved every bit - keep drinking the vinegar, Sir Nigel. In fact, try it with a battery acid chaser, just keep 'em coming.
Diplomat |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | How very true, and how very well delivered, Sir.
I myself am an irresponsible bobber (sometimes known as an irresponsible drowner) and I find that there's nothing more annoying than having to share a pool with people who can actually swim. All I want is a big blue hole full of warm water that is only 5ft deep, preferably full of baywatch babes intent on saving my life!
It’s not too much to ask for is it?
Best wishes and happy bobbing,
Steve. |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | Good fun and well written.
That blue hole sounds very inviting.
I'm one of those who likes to swim across the pool, like to be able to touch the bottom so those serious swimmers would happily mow me down!
Lizzy |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | I'm afraid it is too much too ask, sweetie, Nothing can be left alone. They were probably advised by a focus group to do it.
Have you tried leering at the kids and just wait for the parents to scoop them out of your way? A risky but effective manouvre.
I do enjoy your bits of humourous venom, vey enjoyable.
jane |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | you should be on Grumpy Old Men Nigel  but yeah, you're dead right about pools in this day and age..they don't cater for the bacon butty scoffers amongst us..it's either happy meals or the aitkin's mob that rule the world..we need three pools that's what i say! our local leisure centre is closed for refurbishment just now and i expect it will be just as you describe when it re-opens...i thought this was dead funny...i particularly loved this bit LOL!!!
If, in a previous life, you had the misfortune to be amongst a cargo of orphans which was shipwrecked one terrible night in a violent storm on the Cornish coast, it was like that. Only noisier.
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Written by Sir_Nigel (38 comments posted) 17th April 2007 | | First of all, I’m not grumpy, I just get a little miffed now and then that’s all. Of course, when I’m rich and famous I will have my own private pool. No-one else will be allowed near it – apart from the bikini clad lovelies who will prepare the bacon butties. |
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