I served at sea for a long time, a long time ago, and used to write occasionally in the quiet watches. I post this safe in the knowledge that I am going to get it in the neck for the punctuation. Gale Imminent Over oiled-black ocean waves.
Dark clouds hunched and brooding wait in check
Steeds for the gods reined in,
Yearning for a sea frothed white and torn by pounding hooves
Eager for the chase; angry at the pause.
Hatches battened, canvas flaps, a ship in Irons, a crew in fear
Muttered prayers rise on still, expectant air, souls reaching out to a neglected god.
A lone seabird in desperate flight cries once...
Praying sailors start, and try to hear.
Mother Carey's Chicken was it?
Land close by? Haven or lee-shore?
Fish go deep as the glass falls... Was that a spot of rain?"
Hesitant fingers touch cheeks, eyes look to hidden horizons
Timbers creak and blocks tap out a mournful score...
Check lines already checked a dozen times, dip bilges, sound the hull.
No time now lads to reef the sails, bare pole are needed here.
Batten-wedges hammered home? Aloft the topmen - haul and pull,
Pray no rock is near. |
No sailor I ...
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 16th April 2007 | .. though i helped crew on a forty foot catamaran ( as chief cook mostly ! ) along the Great Barrier Reef .No really hairy moments , but I can catch the feeling in this piece .
Enjoyed
patterjack |
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 17th April 2007 | Watto Diplo.
A fascinating read however much of it would mean nothing to us Land-Lubbers.
Without rythym and rhyme there is nothing to pull one through difficult snatches.
"Check lines already checked a dozen times, ****, sound the hull.
No time now lads to reef the sails, bare pole are needed here.
Batten-wedges hammered home? Aloft the topmen - haul and pull,
***************".
The sense of tension is captured but I didn't understand in the quoted bit other than those expressions replaced by stars.
Brian
| Brian's Review
Written by Diplomat (28 comments posted) 19th April 2007 | Brian, Thank you for reviewing this for me and I apologise for the fact that you found it difficult to understand the terminology.
In saying that, however, I must apologise for my ignorance if that is not what you meant!
Firstly may I say that I do not claim to have any ability as a poet, I use the writing of poetry, or at least my version of it, as an exercise in making my writing flow - so it is, for me, a means to an end.
The terminology is still in use at sea, in one form or another, and if that is what you could not understand then I will gladly explain it to you.
Best wishes Diplomat
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Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 19th April 2007 | That is exactly what I meant.
Poetry can range from ragged poetic prose through to tightly formulated works where rhyme and rythym are as important as content. Somtimes more so-Haikus.
When one writes one can either be so anxious that you touch base with the reader that you spoon feed the work to them. At the other extreme you can write as you see fit and it is up to the reader to comprehend what has been said.
Sometimes I've read poems whose meaning I don't comprehend but I love the way it used, rhyme, rhythym and sound.
Re rhythym and rhyme they adds an extra dimension to a Poem e.g.
Tennyson describing the lapping of the sea: "Break, Break, Break
Then its retreat: "On thy cold grey stones oh sea."
Your poem only had content, much of which was locked away from me.
I was in no way saying good or bad.
Brian.
| Brian - message in Poet's Tavern
Written by Diplomat (28 comments posted) 19th April 2007 | Brian,
went into the Poet's Tavern but they threw me out. Did manage to leave a message for you though with the barman.
Diplomat | Re-Message
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 19th April 2007 | I got your PM and a message from the Barman
What do we do with a drunken sailor ?
What do we do with a drunken sailor ?
What do we do with a drunken sailor ?
In the Poet's Tavern.
I'd not a clue, the rules were hazy-,
Rather do nothing, cos I'm lazy
So I went and told our Mazy
And she chucked the blighter out!
I will reply to your PM in due course.
Brian.
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Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 19th April 2007 | Catches an anxious moment that landsmen aren't usually aware of (I admit I'm one - but as an ex farmer I am equally aware of the sky and wind). One of the possibilities of poetry is to use the terminology of a trade or an activity to invoke the "mysteries of the craft". I thought it worked well here.
As for "Mother Carey's Chicken" - a stormy petrel, is it?
I thought some of the rhymes were a touch forced, and that probably the poem would work better with none. But I liked:
"Hesitant fingers touch cheeks, eyes look to hidden horizons
Timbers creak and blocks tap out a mournful score... "
Those ideas were strong, and I hoped the ones that followed would be even stronger - the ending might have been more powerful if you'd used some of the thoughts from those two. I think it's worth a little more work - probably doesn't need much.  |
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