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Poetry
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A kiss
By raccoonclaw27
16 April 2007
I wrote this awhile ago, but this is an updated version of it.


I feel the blade kiss my skin.
Its warmth is like a child begging to be released from within.
The blood begins to flow...a river of sin.
Join me as I bathe, unfulfilled once again.
Nowhere left to run, I fall to my knees.
Oncoming traffic feels like a breeze.


I feel the blade kiss my skin.
Its cold steel warms me once again,
To light the fire from within.
Wipe the blade and begin again.
Each stroke varies slightly from the last.
Each cut deeper hiding the past.

I feel the blade kiss my skin.
A feeling I long for, which never lasts.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 16th April 2007
Not pleasant, but interesting. For me, this never quite reaches depths of meaning. Clumsy rhymes like : 
 
Nowhere left to run, I fall to my knees. 
Oncoming traffic feels like a breeze. 
 
don't really help. I wonder if getting rid of all the rhyme might help. For me, the best part of this was the first four lines of the second stanza. This has more quality (for me) than all of the rest.  
 
I think you need the opinion of a poet really. 
 
Phil.

Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 16th April 2007
Teenage angst?  
 
Self harming? 
 
Nice - it ain't 
Elloquent - it ain't 
 
Not for me. Perhaps a generational thing. 
 
Oli

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 16th April 2007
I once saw the scars of a woman who used to self harm in this way -- a series of parallel cuts that went all the way up her forearm. She claimed that feeling the pain and seeing the blood made her feel that she was washing away her sin. And yet all she was doing was making more scars, but scars that could be seen. She already had plenty of the other kind, and it must have frustrated her that no one could see those, but responded dramatically to the external scars she left. 
 
Phil's right about the clumsy rhymes -- they have to go. I think you could do more with this to show how this person is using self harming as a way to heal, however mistakenly. But I think this is interesting too, and I wouldn't throw it out -- I'd just rethink it and rewrite it.

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