Chapter 23

Donna was sitting in her mother’s living room, feeding Clare, when the telephone rang. Her mother picked it up, and handed it to her.

“It’s Jon” she said.  “He knows you’re here, love, you have to talk to him sometime!”

“Tell him I’ll ring him back when I’ve fed Clare” said Donna, with that stubborn look on her face her mother knew only too well.

“I’ll tell him nothing of the kind” said her mother, still holding out the telephone.  “You talk to him, you’ve got to sort this out – for the sake of those little ones!”

Sighing, Donna took the telephone from her mother’s outstretched hand, and, after speaking for a few minutes, she handed it back.  She winced with pain as the baby began to suck extra hard – breast feeding had never been this painful with Rosie.  Her mother looked at her impatiently.

“Well?” she said. “What did he want?”

“He wants to come over and see Rosie and Clare – later on today, if that’s all right!”

“Of course it is!  He can come over any time, Donna – you know that.  I realise he’s done wrong, but he’s still the father of your children!”

“Pity he wasn’t here for the birth of the second one – still, there’s nothing I can do to change that, now!”

“There is!” said her mother, gently ruffling Rosie’s hair.  “You can take him back!”

“No!” said Donna, emphatically.  “I don’t trust him, and I don’t love him!”

“Whatever you say, love!” said her mother, with a look on her face that said she knew her daughter only too well!

A couple of hours later, the doorbell rang, and Donna’s mother went to answer it.  As she saw Jon standing there on the step, looking very unsure of himself, she smiled at him and said:

“I’m not sure whether I should hug you or slap you!”

“Do both if it’ll make you feel better!” he said, still not looking at her.  “Go on – go nuts!!”

“Come in!” she said, gesturing with her hand.  “Donna’s just through there!  I’m just on my way out!”

“Not on my account, I hope!” he said, looking very awkward.  “I don’t want to force you out of your own home!”

“You’re not!  I was going out, anyway – I’ve arranged to meet friends in town.  I hope you two can sort something out – you had too much to throw away!”

“Me too!” he said, with great feeling in his voice.  “I’ll make it up to her – to them – if it’s the last thing I do!  You may not believe me, but I’ll prove it to you, you see if I don’t!”

“It’s not me you have to prove it to, love!” she said, as she closed the door behind her.

“Daddy!” yelled Rosie, as she suddenly spotted him.  “Kiss, daddy!”

He swept her into his arms, and held her as tightly as he dared.  She lay her head on his shoulder, her little arms clamped around his neck.  Donna was still holding Clare, who was sleeping peacefully, her tiny fist clamped around her mother’s finger.  He sat down next to her, with Rosie still clinging to him like a limpet, and gently stroked the baby’s face, she stirred softly, but did not wake.

“Thanks for letting me come and see them!” he said, not quite sure what to say to her.  “It means so much to me!”

“They’re your children!” she replied, briefly, unable to look him in the eye.  “I don’t want to keep you away from them!  Mind you, it was your choice not to be here for this little one’s birth!  You’ll regret for the rest of your life!”

“Don’t you think I know that!” he said, on the verge of tears.  “And it wasn’t intentional!  When I made you that promise, Donna, I meant it!  How was I to know what would happen?  No-one regrets it more than me – you have to believe me!”

“No, I don’t!” she replied, looking at him coldly.  “Why should I believe a word you say?  How do I know you won’t break any more promises?  Please, there’s no point in trying to talk me round, because I won’t change my mind – there’s no going back!  I can’t forgive you!  I just can’t get my head round what happened!”

“Please, Donna!”  He put his hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off.  “Please, can we try?  I’m missing you so much, life is so hard without you!  Every day seems so long, and the nights even longer – please, Donna – please!”

“I can’t!”  Her voice was a whisper.  “Here, can you take Clare for a minute, while I make us a cup of coffee?  She won’t wake up!”

“So what if she does?” he said, gently cradling her in his arms. “I think I know what to do when a baby wakes up!”

As Donna left the room, he turned his gaze to his newborn daughter as she lay sleeping in his arms.  He bent down to kiss her, and as he felt her warm little body nestling against his, and caught the familiar smell of baby powder, the crushing guilt of missing her birth, and the pain of missing her grow up suddenly became too much, and he bowed his head and wept.  He did not see Rosie get up and disappear into the kitchen.  Donna looked round, sensing somebody was there.

“What’s the matter, Rosie?” she said, on seeing her sad little face.

“Daddy’s crying!” she said, her eyes filling with tears.

“Go and give him a cuddle, then!” said Donna, turning back to what she was doing.

“No!” shouted Rosie, pulling on Donna’s skirt.  “You cuddle daddy!  Please, mummy!”

“Do as you’re told, Rosie!” said Donna, trying to prise her daughter’s hand away before she pulled her skirt right off!  “I’ll be there in a minute!”

“Want to go home!” said Rosie, folding her arms, and sticking out her bottom lip.  “I love daddy!”

Donna did not answer, but just followed her little girl into the living room, and placed the two steaming cups of coffee on the table.  As she sat down on the sofa, he glanced at her, his red-rimmed eyes full of pain, then looked back at his baby daughter.

“I really don’t want to go!” he said, his voice shaking.  “Every time I have to leave her, it gets harder and harder!  Sometimes I feel like my heart is breaking in two, the pain is almost physical!  What makes it worse is the thought that I let her down before I even laid eyes on her!  Whenever I look at her now, I love her so much it hurts – I love both my children.  I don’t want to be a part-time father, I want to put them to bed at night, I want to read them a bed time story, sing to them.  I want to see them smile, kiss them goodnight, when they cry I want to be there to make it better!  Please, Donna – come home!  Please, give me a chance to make it up to you!”

“Don’t, Jon!” she pleaded, as tears threatened yet again.  “Don’t look at me like that!  You know I want so much to trust you again, to love you again….”

“Then what’s stopping you?” he said, touching her face.  “I know I hurt you, I know what I’ve done!  I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it!”

“I don’t know!” she said, gently pushing his hand away.  “Leave it for now!  I just don’t know at the moment!”

In the end, he resigned himself to her decision, and, with lots of tears and a heavy heart, he made his way home – well, back to his house, it would never be a home without his family there with him.  He went to bed early that night, there was no point in staying up – as far as he was concerned, television was just a distraction, not company.  A television could not keep you company through the long, lonely nights, and it was definitely no substitute for a pair of loving arms.

Next morning, he was sitting on the sofa watching morning television, not really taking in what was going on, when he heard the back door open.  He turned around to see who it was, and saw Donna standing in the doorway.  She was carrying Clare in her car seat, and Rosie held her hand.  He stood up, and walked over to them.

“To what do I owe this honour!” he said, forcing a smile.  “Two visits in as many days!”

“I’m not visiting!” she said, her voice almost a whisper.

“Then what….”    He was totally mystified.

“I thought at first I could never forgive you for what you’ve done!” she said, her voice trembling.  “I was hurting so much!  I wanted to hate you, I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me!  I said I never wanted to see you again!  I convinced myself I didn’t need you, I could manage without you…..”

“Donna, what are you trying to say?”

“I don’t want to love you!  You hurt me, damn you – I should hate you!  Then I look at you, and I can’t!   I just can’t!”

She leaned her head on his shoulder, gently pounding his chest with her fists, in her frustration, tears spilling down her face.  The pain in her eyes went straight to his heart.

“What have I done to you, Donna?” he whispered, his voice breaking.  “I swore I’d never hurt you, and I’ve gone and done exactly that!  I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d get down on my bended knees if I thought there was a chance of you loving me again!”

“What makes you think I’ve ever really stopped?” she said, stroking his face.

“But you said….”

“People often say things they don’t mean when they’re hurting!  I just couldn’t believe that someone I loved so much could hurt me, and my pride was shattered into pieces!  But I think you know what pain you caused me without my telling you again…”

“Yes!” he whispered.  “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if that’s what it takes!”

She did not answer straight away, but cupped his face in her hands, and kissed him long and tenderly, re-awakening familiar, almost forgotten feelings.

“Take as long as you want, my darling!” she said, her voice husky and her eyes bright with love.  “I’ve come home!”