Dear Cretins.

    We thank you for your letter of complaint regarding the label on our "Value Peanut 1kg bag" that warns "MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS". As you can tell we have recieved a number of complaints due to this warning, and as such, have prepared the following advice for you. We also appreciate the attempts of humour from all of you who took the time to point out that you "Bloody Well hoped so!"

 Firstly I would like to take the time that no refunds will be given simply because you disagreed with the need for this warning.

 Secondly we would like to assure you that the warning will remain. Of our own free will, to be above and beyond the requirements of the law, and this is no way "Brussels taking over the country" or "Political Correctness gone mad!"

 Thirdly I would like to recomend that the next time you wish to waste the money on a stamp to send a letter of complaint to us, you instead use the stamp to request a prospectus from your local college or adult education centre. You are in dire need of it. Yes, I mean you. Even if you were one of the minority who spelt their letters correctly and used punctuation. Because it might have slipped your attention but:


PEANUTS ARE NOT NUTS. THEY ARE RELATED TO PEAS.

 So on the off chance you suffered an allergic reaction to nuts, but not to Peanuts, you might be interested in the possibility of Nut oils or residue having contaminated your favourite nibble.

 Yes we are aware you will no doubt argue the point, and frankly I could have photocopied the pages from my daughters biology gcse text book, but to be honest, you wouldn't believe it would you? Unless Trisha interviewed a Peanut butter fetishest who found his wife in bed with a bunch of Cashew-Fans, or Stephen Fry dazzled you with the fct on QI you wouldn't give two hoots.

 We thank you for your time and patience pointless ramblings.

CJ Waterhood.
CEO of Super-Hyper-Mart.