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Comedy
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| Alternative Therapy with Helga and Petra | |
| By Bottleblondesurfer | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 17 April 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Someone recently mentioned Helga and Petra and as I have some time, in between rejection slips,I thought I'd update you. I know it's not that funny but at least it stops me chewing my nails. After leaving Poundstretcher Airlines, under a cloud, they decide to set up in busines for themelves [I apologise for the last bit, I've tried 4 times but can't remove the bold type] A middle-aged man enters a room, empty except for a low doctor’s examination table and two young eastern European women in blood stained white coats. [just imagine the cheeky girls on steroids] MAN- hello is the Is this the Holistic Therapeutic Centre? HELGA- What it say on door, please? MAN-Uuummmm, The Holistic….Therapeutic…. Centre PETRA- Then why you fucking ask, then? You think maybe we like to play trick. MAN –No, of course not I just wanted to… HELGA- You English, all the same; have to ask bleeding obvious [mimics English voice] “Hello is this Tesco supermarket? Oh good then 20 ft high sign was right” …..So what you want? We do massage, acupuncture, also aromatherapy with plinky plonk music, PETRA- Yes sounds like cat peeing in bucket, very relaxing MAN -Well it’s my neck, it’s so sore and stiff I was hoping you could sort it out. HELGA- OK ,Bad Neck… you want massage. MAN- Sounds good. I’ll try that. PETRA.- This is proper massage, OK? Just massage, and no naughty sexy stuff with French maid uniform. We don’t do that .Isn’t that right Helga? HELGA.- Do you work for immigration service? MAN – Well, no HELGA- Police? MAN- I’m in computers. HELGA, Right, definitely no naughty sexy stuff at all. We never do that. MAN- What about aromatherapy? I’ve heard about that. HELGA- Yes iss very good. I am expert in aromatherapy. MAN- But what does it involve? HELGA- Smelly candles, incense and perfumes. MAN – And that will help my neck? HELGA- No, but you smell much better afterwards. PETRA.- You could try acupuncture. MAN – Isn’t that with lots of little needles, it might be painful PETRA- No, I am expert. I take full weekend course in Romania, no messing MAN- Will I feel anything, then? HELGA- You just feel a little prick PETRA- Yes, so no change there then; ha ha ha. Just a little joke. We, therapists have great sense of humour. HELGA. – See how we make jokes to get you relaxed; now get clothes of and lie on couch. [the man struggles out of his clothes. Helga throws him onto the couch] MAN – I think I’ll just try the massage for now PETRA –Nice and comfy? Good. You want oil? MAN- Well I think I’d prefer a mineral water. PETRA-No, stupid client. Not to drink, for massage. MAN_ Oh yes, sorry. Yes of course I’ll need oil for that. [Helga goes out and comes back with a metal canister labelled “Agricultural Diesel- Tractor use only”] MAN – On second thoughts I don’t think I’ll bother with oil. HELGA- Are you sure? Petra was three times national shot put champion. You get friction burns for sure. [the black murky liquid spills over the side] MAN – Definitely sure, no oil. [Helga grumpily carts the canister back out ] Damn oil. You know how difficult it was to sneak it on plane? PETRA- Yes we had to fly AirArabia and pretend it was bomb, gave everybody big laugh. [Petra starts pummelling him like a butcher tenderising steak] MAN- Stop,stop; for God’s sake, stop! PETRA- Hey, is pain gone already? you still have to pay for full hour. MAN- I’ve lost all feeling down my right side. PETRA- Iss perfectly normal ,happens all the time. HELGA – Why not have facial while you wait? Take away that agonised frown. PETRA- Yes make you look young and sexy like Boris Johnson. MAN- Isn’t that sort of thing a specialist skill? HELGA – Hey, you think I am stupid peasant, just because I have accent and don’t use indefinite article or pronouns. I have certificate in cosmetic surgery [she goes over to the wall and removes a framed certificate] Here, look at this it says I am expert at facials, signed by managing director of company MAN- But its funeral parlour. HELGA- If I make dead people look good then living are a peace of piss, no? MAN- So all the people you have worked have been dead? HELGA –Well, certainly by the end, yes. MAN- Have you got anything a little less radical. PETRA – Ok, we also do special type of liposuction for face. The George Bush Special. MAN- How does that work? PETRA- Well, we suck fat out of your arse and pump it into lips. HELGA- Yes, you have nice plump face MAN- Why is it called a George Bush special? HELGA- It means you have funny walk and always talk out of your arse. [He goes to get up but Helga pushes him back down] PETRA- Ok, ok ,you want something simple like botox injection, make you look smooth like bottom of baby. MAN- Botox? but that just paralyses the muscles for a while. PETRA-. Yes, so we do research and have botox substitute, much better. MAN- . Really, I didn’t know there was a substitute. [Helga comes over with a full syringe] HELGA- You only get it from us. Iss much stronger. Is called Anthrax. PETRA- Yes you betcha, much stonger. Muscles don’t recover from this. MAN- Christ on a bike! You’ve got anthrax in that syringe? I’m off. HELGA- You still have to pay for full hour. That’s 600 pounds. MAN- That’s outrageous I’m not paying that. PETRA- You want to argue with woman who has syringe full of Antrax. Very bad idea. MAN- Do you take American Express. HELGA- [putting the syringe down and throwing him his clothes] |
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| Reviews |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
| This is a great piece of work and had me giggling and whooping right along. I loved the part about the agricultural diesel oil, which I thought was a very good touch, and the fact that Petra was national shot put champion and could produce friction burns. I was afraid that the George Bush liposuction special involved siphoning out some of the cerebral cortex, but liked your version better. And your ending was a good, strong one which tied right in -- all the funnier since Petra and Helga denied performing any kinky stuff so vigorously. I really enjoyed this! |
| Whee Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
| I was once massaged by an iron fisted South African , once acupunctured by a recent learner , and did not try for anything further in the alternative field . This lovely piece of work has confirmed my decision as correct ! patterjack |
| Lone Voice... Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 17th April 2007 |
| Well done Jane. Its good to see something on Comedy Scripts that is both comedy and a script. Making a fleeting visit I really cannot believe the abject poor quality of the offerings over the last few weeks. We are even down to retreads that weren't even funny in the first place! None of it remotely worth even reviewing. In a sense I think you certainly have cottoned on to the basic notion of producing marketable comedy. Stupid, childish sketches of the kind that make balloonheads giggle in the pub and that have no life beyond the moment will always fail. You need the ' Big Idea '. The pitch that has infinite variation in it and can be translated to an infinite variety of situations. The best comedy writers think right out of the box. Produce senarios absolutely no one else has even thought of. That's why so much original comedy often does not catch on for a while. See how long it took ' Down the Line ' to begin to catch on, despite having Whitehouse and Higson's names on it. As for the above its good to see you developing something further. You might want to consider how best you can deploy this sort of thing in a quite different setting. For example I would certainly think it worthwhile looking again at Poundstrecher Airlines and setting it somewhere rather more exotic. And do think of a better name for it. Also a few more characters. That said, again well done. This site would be lost without the likes of you, as Chris, David, Paul and Woody appear to have moved on. Time to do the same yourself. You only need to get lucky once. Remeber what I said of digital radio. Thanks for you e-mail by the way. I will reply when I have a moment to give a full response. Regards. |
| HI Jane Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| What fun this was to read. I agree with all of the above comments. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| Young and sexy like Boris Johnson....my god woman what are you trying to do to me?! Liked this very much - lots of laughs and a fair few cringes. Elli |
| 'ere Bubbles Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| I told you about this in complete secrecy, is nothing sacred? A really good laugh and it's got a Papal Blessing. Brian |
| Bless you my child. Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| You have already had a blessing from God, so a few words from the anti-Christ would seem rather pointless, however... Ha! ha! ha! "Why is it called a George Bush?" "It means you have funny walk and talk out of arse." Ha! ha! ha! |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| Enjoyed this Jane - for what ever reason you wrote it - finger nails etc - it entertained from the start. Gerard mentioned experimenting with these characters in other situations - good idea. However, if you were to write a string of these, they ought to have different gags in each. Having said that, Katherine Tait has done very well with a single joke for each of her characters. The first time I watched her I thought - pretty funny, particularly gran. When I've caught any more of her show, it seems to be the same gag over and over. Maybe it's me not understanding how comedy works. That or I'm just a little more sophisticated than the average TV punter. Anyway, enjoyed this very much. Thought it ended very strongly. Glad to see you've not forgotten your favourite politician too. Good stuff. Phil. |
Written by wltshr (316 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| Very funny. This pair could run and run. Personally, I thought the George Bush gag the weakest as though it had been shoehorned in in order to have a to at good ol' George. But hey, if I laughed most of the way through and others did too, you've hit paydirt, girl. I agree, surprisingly, with much of what Gerrard says. However, "That's why so much original comedy often does not catch on for a while.", seems to ignore the fact that even more totally original comedy doesn't catch on at all! Having now read most of your comedy stuff on this site I can safely say that if you think it's funny - it probably is! |
| Classic Written by Asferthecat (837 comments posted) 18th April 2007 |
| This is classic comedy - ie packed with funny jokes. I wish we had more of this sort of stuff on TV rather than the wierd and/or embarrassing stuff that seems to be modern comedy. |
| Hello big boy.... Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 19th April 2007 |
| You really do have a feel for `real` comedy Jane. I loved the interplay between the three characters, the one-liners coming thick and fast. There is so much `alternative` and so-called clever comedy on TV nowadays this was like a breath of fresh air. Perhaps you could offer to sleep with a commissioning editor...no..just a thought... Lovely stuff Woody |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 19th April 2007 |
| Absolutely. It works because, as so often with your pieces, it's based on good, humorous ideas, at the risk of stating the bleeding obvious. Marvellous image of some wimpy IT character being pummelled around on a decorating table like a piece of soft dough by a couple of East German shot-putters. Gets a bit self-indulgent joke-wise at times, and the George Bush gag was kinda telegraphed, but no matter, it was great fun. Interesting, Gerard's mention of "Down the Line" - I hadn't realised the tirade of abuse that had been pelted at Radio 4 from "disgusted of Leamington Spa" and the like when it was first aired - from many people who "hadn't initially realised it might be a spoof"!!! As regards Catherine Tate, Phil, I agree. The sketches with Geordie woman collecting for charity, for example, are churned out like some computerised formula. Writing one funny sketch is one thing, developing the ideas and characters is quite another. However, she has made it, and the BBC consider her commercially viable, etc. - so, in that respect, I ain't in too much of a position to waste my energy complaining. |
| Don't you leave too!! Written by saracen (10 comments posted) 20th April 2007 |
| Enjoyed this. You certainly make the comedy site worth visiting. The last time I took a snook in it was a lot livelier. Bit dull now. Where's Givitsum!? GC, Coosh!? Don't all move on! Keep the flag flying BBS! Great, funny read. J. |
Written by Lizzy (803 comments posted) 22nd April 2007 |
| Agree with the others, a good and funny read. I had visions of that Bubbles character from Little Britain being one of the 'therapists'- just re read the beginning and not sure that the Cheeky Girls on steroids would look loke Bubbles, never mind. Lizzy |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 8th July 2007 |
| Hi. I really enjoyed this. I wasn't sure to start with whether the idea of 2 therapists was going to work; but it did! Some really good laugh out loud moments. Even the old gags were packaged in a slightly different way. Good stuff. I must go and find the boarding gate for Poundstretcher Airlines! |
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