Chapter 24

As she came into the kitchen carrying baby Clare, Donna saw her husband sitting at the table, holding a cup of coffee, obviously deep in thought.  So deep, in fact, he did not even seem to notice she was there.

“I’ve just made love to the milkman on the doorstep, wearing nothing but a feather boa!” she said, sitting down in the chair opposite, and attaching the baby to her breast.

“Oh, good” he said, not even looking at her – he looked completely mystified when she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he said, beginning to look annoyed.

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” she said, trying to control herself.  “I could tell you were miles away, but you aren’t even on the same planet!  Is there something bothering you?”

“No” he said, sounding very defensive.  “Why should there be?”

“I don’t know, love. You tell me!”

“Nothing, Donna!  Honestly – there’s nothing wrong!”

“Jon, you are a hopeless liar! Come on, what’s going on?”

“Oh, all right!  I never could get anything past you, could I?”

He told her about the incident after the concert she had attended, when he had seen Emily waiting for him, and completely ignored her.  It had been playing on his mind ever since.

“I feel awful, Donna!” he said.  “I should never have taken my problems out on her!”

“She’s the cause of your problems!”

“No, she isn’t!  I caused all my own problems – all she wanted was my love and my time, none of what happened was her fault, she didn’t know what was going on.  She didn’t know I missed Clare’s birth because I was with her, something which I’d rather not dwell on.  I still feel so torn, Donna.  My family are the most important thing in my life, and you always will be, but I can’t help feeling a certain fondness for her”

“Well, you can do that from a distance!” said Donna, her eyes darkening.  “I’m not having a repeat performance – I don’t think I could take it!  Anyway, just out of curiosity, what were you talking about with her when you were supposed to be watching your baby’s birth?”

He flinched at the still painful memory, and, for a moment, he did not trust himself to speak.

“Well” he said, eventually.  “Her mother said that before she would even consider letting me see Emily again, I would have to give her a damn good reason why she should.  So we went to a little café round the corner, for a coffee!”

“Time flies when you’re having fun!” said Donna, her voice taking on a bitter edge.  “And what exactly did she decide?”

“Well, to put it in a nutshell, I achieved exactly bugger all!” he said, his voice almost breaking at having to re-live the painful events of just weeks before.  “She would not be convinced that I would not let her daughter down, she said she still couldn’t trust me, and that, as far as she was concerned, nothing had changed.  It was a total waste of time, and I missed seeing my precious little girl come into the world!”

He got up and walked round the table to where Donna was sitting, and wrapped his arms around her, leaning his head on her shoulder.  He gazed at the tiny sleeping baby in her arms, and reached out to gently stroke her face.  Donna noticed that his hand was shaking, and she looked up at him, to see tears standing in his eyes.  She thought to herself that, no matter how much she had punished him, it would never be as much as he was punishing himself.

“I don’t deserve you, do I?” he said, closing his eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears from falling.  “You’re so beautiful, so precious!  We wanted you so much, yet I let you down!”

“Stop it, love!” said Donna, reaching up and touching his face.  “Stop torturing yourself over this!  It’s happened now, so we need to start again – as we mean to go on.  Put this in the past – that’s where it belongs now!  She’s the future, along with her big sister, that’s what we have to concentrate on now.  If I can forgive you, you have to learn to forgive yourself!”

“I’ve hurt so many people!” he said, beginning to cry softly. “I’ve hurt you, Rosie, Clare – even though she’s too young to know, and now I’ve hurt Emily!  She’s suffered enough rejection in her short life, and now I’ve rejected her too!  The thing is, Donna, when I saw her sitting there, for one split second she reminded me of everything I’d lost – I thought I wouldn’t be alone if it weren’t for her!  I was wrong, Donna – I was so wrong, and so stupid! How can I make it right with her?”

“You can’t see her again!” said Donna, standing up and turning her back on him.  “It’ll only start all over again!”

“What can I do, then?  I can’t leave it like this!  I can’t even begin to imagine how much I must have hurt her!”

“Well, then write to her!  Explain to her what’s happened, and that you didn’t mean to hurt her!  Don’t give her any false hopes, you can’t jeopardise everything you’ve got all over again!  Please, Jon, I don’t think I could bear it!”

Just then, they heard Rosie’s indignant cries from upstairs.  She had woken up from her nap, and was standing at the top of the stairs, rattling the stairgate for all she was worth.

“Give Clare to me!” he said, holding out his arms.  “It’s about time I started being a proper father to her!  You’d better go and see what her ladyship wants!"

As Donna disappeared upstairs, he held his little daughter close, kissing her gently on the forehead, as her tiny fingers curled around his.

“I’ll make it up to you, my precious angel” he whispered to her.  “I know I wasn’t there when you were born, but I’ll make sure I’m here from now on.  I’ve learned my lesson, I’ve been such a fool not to realise just how rich you’ve made me….”

He broke off as she suddenly stirred and began to wake up.  For a moment, her big blue eyes fixed firmly on his face, and she began to whimper softly.  As it gradually grew louder, he gently rocked her in his arms, and began to sing quietly to her.

“You light up my life, you give me strength to carry on….”

Her little body began to relax, and she became calm and peaceful, her eyes never once leaving his face.  As it had done so many times before, his voice had worked its  magic once again.  She was too tiny to understand a word, all she knew was that this beautiful sound she was hearing made her feel safe and loved, and that’s all she needed to know.  As Rosie came into the kitchen, and reached up to him, her smile lighting up her face, he ruffled her hair and pulled her close to him.

“I love you, daddy!” she said, gazing up at him. “I missed you!”

“I missed you, too!” he said, desperately trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 

“And I love you more than anything in the world – both of you!”

“Do you love mummy, too?” said Rosie, as she noticed Donna standing in the doorway, her eyes shimmering with tears.  He looked over at her, his eyes telling her all she needed to know.

“Yes!” he whispered, still not taking his eyes off her.  “I love mummy, too!  More than she’ll ever know!  I’ll make sure she never has to doubt it again!”

When the children were in bed, and Donna was taking a well earned nap, Jon decided that it would be a good time to write his letter to Emily.  Hopefully, she would understand then why he had snubbed her on that night, and that he did not mean her any ill will, he still loved her and always would.  It would just have to be a long distance love, because that was all he was able to offer.

When he had posted the letter, he felt that was a weight off his mind, and his conscience was clear.  He set about enjoying life again with his wife and children, and hoped that Emily would be happy, and would understand, after she had read his letter.  Little did he know that the troubled little girl never got to read that letter, because someone else got to it first…..