A Little Touch of Mama in the Night

After we were done eating, Mama took us upstairs to a big room. And we all got ready for bed. Mama ordered us in a movie on the TV. We all must have been a lot tireder than I thought because we were asleep before the movie was even over.

The next time I opened my eyes the room was dark and Mama wasn't in bed with us. She was sitting outside on a little porch. I crawled out from under Abby and Tom's arms and legs and I went out to talk to her.

"What are you doing, Mama?" I asked.

"Nothing, Jr. Just thinking." she replied.

"Were you thinking about Daddy?"

"Aren't you a smart boy? Yes, I was." she smiled.

"Do you think he's mad at us?"

"He's mad but don't worry everything will be OK. Your Daddy and I just have some things to work out."

"When you guys work it out, can we go back to our house?" I asked.

"I can't go back and live with your daddy, Jr. Not ever."

"Is it because he is mean?"

"Partly."

"Are you mad at me for how I acted today? Because I'm sorry."

She pulled me down onto her lap and hugged me real close. I was too big for laps but I didn't say anything.

"I know you're sorry, Jr. I'm sorry that you had to have a day like this at all. I know this is going to be harder on you than on your brother and sisters. But I just have to do this. I hope one day you can understand."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to mess up Mama holding me by saying the wrong thing. So, I just laid back against her chest and looked out at the downtown lights.

Mama and I sat there watching the night until there was a soft knock on the door to our room. Mama kissed me on the cheek and told me to get some sleep. I hurried off to the big bed and she went and opened the door.

Aunt Clara was standing there. She smiled at Mama and gave her a hug. Then they went out to the little porch and sat close together talking real soft.

"Well now, Karen Marie, you sure as shit shut Lonny down, didn't you? I knew you'd do it eventually."

"Do you think I did the right thing?"

"Hell yes, you did. That man treated you like shit for a long time. It's not good for kids to grow up seeing that." Aunt Clara pulled out her cigarettes. "You want one?"

"No, I don't smoke." Mama said shaking her head.

"Shut up, you do to," said Aunt Clara "And if there is any day that calls for a fucking cigarette, it's today. It's OK. We're outside and they're inside."

Mama took a cigarette and put it in her mouth and lit it. I could smell the smoke from the bed. I knew that Mama smoked but she was real careful not to smoke around us. Daddy would always say smoking was dirty habit. To which Mama always replied that drinking was too. 

To me the smell of cigarettes meant summer nights. During the summer, I could lay up in my room at night and listen to Mama go out on the porch and light a match. I would smell the smoke from her cigarette coming up on the breeze thru my window. Sometimes, Daddy would come out and they'd sit and talk quietly and laugh. There was something about her and Aunt Clara doing the same thing that made my belly feel like it was unfolding.

I heard Aunt Clara laugh softly. "Well, you sure know how to leave Karen Marie. Lonny'll be smarting from the ass fucking you gave him for years."

"I didn't mean too. I just didn't know what else to do."

"Shut up with your excuses and be proud. You did a hard fucking thing today and you don't need to make excuses to anybody."

"Things are going to get even harder."

"You did the right thing and I am sure as hell proud of you. I just wish I could be there when Lonnie get this fucking bill."

Mama and Aunt Clara both laughed at that. I stopped listening to the words they were saying and just listened to the rise and fall of their voices. I closed my eyes and drifted off feeling safe and happy.

That night was the beginning of something new for my mama. That night was her independence night. The night she broke free of the chains she had put on herself and triumphed.

When my brother and sisters and I talk about that night to her, Mama smiles and laughs at our memories. And at the end of our reminisces, she'll look over her cup of coffee and say, "Sometimes, enough just has to be enough." Then she'll smile softly to herself and leave it at that.