The Editor, Hilary Tiverton-Dick, has some answers for her correspondents:
Oh Dear, Hilary Technical Delegate
I'm at my wits' end. Since my husband failed to be elected onto the Dangleby Council he has taken to spending all his spare time in the Owl and Wicket. He says he learnt this method of consolation from some GCSE students whom he met before the election and who were coping with stress by "going down the pub to celebrate being withdrawn from the exams."
When he comes home he has nothing intelligent to say and simply goes to bed and snores. I'm dreadfully worried that he will meet someone else while he is out, then the boys will have to leave Dangleby Prep School and they and I will be left alone. Please help.
Desperately
Hon. Meriel Appleby-Station
Dear Meriel
Go to the Owl and Wicket with your husband and share the Happy Hour with him. Then you can a) defend him from any possible rivals, b) enjoy so much consolation yourself that you won't care either way.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Hilary Lickety Split
Ah thowt it wad happen an' it has. Mi fadder allus used ter say, "Politicians is like bananas. They hing aboot in bunches, start off green, turn yeller, and they're nivver straight."
Elections fetch oot aw t'dafties. Ah hed two-three fellers knockin' at mi door to ask wad Ah vote for t'Addendum Party. Ah said, if votin' for 'em wad end 'em, Ah'd vote aw reet.
Yrs dourly
Nora Forthright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear HeeHaw Dinky Donkey
The weather was too dry through April to spot any of the wild haggis' mating circles but thanks anyway to those who called about possible sightings. I'm sorry that most of the farmers who phoned were so personally abusive to me and can only hope they will feel better soon.
I now have to announce that I have discovered an entirely new species, the Pullet St Mary Black Pudding, living wild on the site of the proposed bypass. I would like to use your column to ask readers to express their support for the preservation of its habitat: please write to the Cumbrian Offal Preservation Society (COPS) at 1 Thoroughgood Street, Dangleby, and demand that work on the bypass be suspended.
Yours
Alan Eversoe-Slightly, NVQ 2 WGC
Dear Alan
I recommend you contact George the travelling butcher, who will almost certainly provide you with one of his assistants and a large stainless steel bowl in which to remove the Black Puddings to a more suitable site.|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
I must be getting better I almost understood Nora's letter.
I do like the three different character types you have captured here. Each one a sort of country stereotype.
My only suggestion is that you could have the Hilariously Tipsy-Duck replies really insane and over the top.
Have you thought of sending these to you local paper as a spoof letters page? [or would they be taken seriously!!
cheers
Jane |
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Hi BBS - yes, all these went to the real "Messenger" (a tiny publication based in Kirkby Stephen) quite some time ago, and I only stopped sending them because I got a full time job. Then, the paper was sold to a "real" company, and the spoof column lapsed.
A Penrith paper got spoofed itself a few years later... and it wasn't even April... by someone sending in photographs of standing stones, with an article about a new archaeological theory. The paper printed the photos and an interview in all seriousness, till several readers spotted the duplicated trees in the backgrounds. The photos had been cut in half and copied and then the halves stuck together, to make symmetrical patterns "appear" on the stones.
So, it's possible letters like these might well be taken seriously! |
Written by coosh (850 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Given how close these are to the reality of a few local publications up there, I can see how years of "experience and research" might have led you to exploit such material to entertaining effect. Particularly enjoyed the idea of writing in local dialect, to make the advice clearer - you could have her come with sub-titles and sign language if you scripted it.
Examples are many but:
It may have come to your attention recently that the Gazette posted one of its usual enthralling crime stories on the website, entitled "Kendal Boy Sets Fire To Office Chair In Field". It received the biggest feedback in the paper's entire history, from people as far away as Dubai and Detroit, generally taking the piss... "I've worked all my life with office furniture and have long felt such issues should take priority over the likes of Afghanistan, Iraq, crack addiction, etc." The journalist in question was even interviewed by the national press!
In terms of letters to the Editor, I noticed one in the same publication a few months back - a lady wrote to say she had crashed her car into a pothole in the road, causing £300 worth of damage - when she complained to Cumbria County Council, they exempted themselves from all liability, because even though they own the road, the pothole had i) not been reported to them by anyone and ii) not been noticed by their Highways Inspection Dept. It therefore didn't really exist - other than as something midway between a loophole and a "black hole".
Good stuff, demonstrating the essential importance of offal preservation. |
Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Can I arrange to pay a subscription to have the Messenger delivered directly to my door? The last three copies seem to have been delivered in error.
I've followed this with a feeling of absolute joy.
You have a lovely gentle way of venting your spleen.
Best wishes
Wltshr |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
I think you may have put me off country living. Are they all inbred? Dark nights, next house five miles across a rain sodden valley. Workable theory. (I exclude you from my theory of course. You could have saddled up and galloped across the fells if you needed!)
Good fun. Enjoyed. Nora ought to stand as a politician her self. She talks enough sense.
Phil. |
inbred?
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Phil, you're dead right! Fortunately I'm an import (I's a Scouser) and my husband is from Barrow (which is really Lancashire). And "I" am 1/16th German and 3/32nds French so I am absolutely impeccably English - ie, mongrel.
But there are areas up 'ere where it's only surprising NOT to find two heads on some of the population :-) You just can't find the other one that's got the rest of the IQ. (Now they'll drum me out of the county.)
BBS, nice idea about the over the top replies, I'll have to work on some.
Coosh, hi, yes, I did hear about the Burning Chair tale ... amazing response!
wltshr, hello, and thanks. I'll have a word with H Tiverton-Dick and get your subscription amended immediately if not sooner.
Clearly, I must do some more of these. Nora, of course, has her own poem in the Poetry section somewhere, but Alan and Meriel will also, undoubtedly, have more to say 
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