I seem to be full of lexical metaphors...Here's a new one, perhaps needs some fleshing out? Let me know :) Title suggestions also welcome!
Last night I was writing about you,
softly tracing curlicues of hair
with my pencil.
Clutching at the punctuation of your pores.
The commas of your ears,
pauses on either side
as I tried to learn the grammar of your tongue.
Or memorise the "O"
of your navel,
to print it on the page
Beside your hips,
smalled to brackets
I fit between, so perfectly.
But I couldn't fence you in with lines or letters;
you broke through the margin.
Your heart an exclamation mark
too bold for any sentence.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd April 2007 |
I really liked the idea of this and all the lines - but it does seem that there are lines missing. For me, it jumps from one idea to the next without developing them enough. When I read this bit: The commas of your ears, pauses on either side I was expecting you to say something about his/her mind (either side of it) but you moved on to tongue. This bit: Beside your hips, smalled to brackets I fit between, so perfectly. Does seem complete. I hope this helps. I really do like this but I'd like to see the bits that are missing. Title: More than words? Phil. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd April 2007 |
| Title: The lexicon of love? |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd April 2007 |
| Title: (Jeanette Winterson's) Written on the body? |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Love this idea! Agree with Phil: perhaps just touch it up in parts so that the sentences are a little more coherent. really like 'grammar of your tongue' and from "Or memorise..." down to "...so perfectly" - gorgeous. title: Calligraphy? clo |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Thanks guys! I did feel that this was missing something, like what I've got might be a skeleton for an actual poem. Title: Pencilling You In? |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 23rd April 2007 |
Title: Pen portrait? Liked: Pencilling you in. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 24th April 2007 |
I really liked this up until the last two lines - for me it felt a little too obvious an ending. Apart from that I thought it was a really nice idea - don't develop it too much. Elli |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
| :S Getting mixed messages here! I guess I'll develop it if I ever work out how to. I really liked the last two lines! Never mind, thanks for your review |
Bravo from the Punctuation Queen Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 8th May 2007 |
I love this - I think it's very well-executed and I particularly enjoyed it as I'm a mad punctuation control freak! |
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