Small cardboard tunnel holding up entrance through curtain - Director sitting in front of stage, back to Audience, in chair with DIRECTOR written on the back

DIRECTOR:             JEREMY, JEREMY!! Are you nearly ready back there?

(Stage Manager appears through curtains carrying silver flared trousers.)

STAGE MANAGER:      Yes, Susie. Ready when you are.

DIRECTOR:              What the hell are they?

STAGE MANAGER:         They are what you asked for!

DIRECTOR:             Asked for?

STAGE MANAGER:         Yes. You said it would be really dramatic if the genie could appear in a flash of magnesium flares.

DIRECTOR:             Well?

STAGE MANAGER:         No-one at the shop could decide what colour magnesium was, so I decided on silver.

DIRECTOR:             Oh, God!

STAGE MANAGER:         We are all really pleased with them backstage.

DIRECTOR:             Good. Right.  So. When the genie appears would you kindly make some sort of noise? You know, the kind of noise that should accompany a magical illusion.

STAGE MANAGER:         Yes, of course, Susie. You only need to ask.

(SM. Goes backstage.)

DIRECTOR:             Ready when you are.

(Magician enters through back door and makes his way through audience to front right of curtain.- single spotlight.)

ALI KAZAM: (looking at audience): Blast, witnesses! Or maybe willing accomplices. You won’t say you’ve seen me here, Boys and girls, will you? No, you won’t! Let me tell you a secret. I am going to become very rich indeed. One nasty little thing and the deed is done. The sacrifice of one small boy and I will have riches and power beyond my wildest dreams. If you help me I can promise you will share in my good fortune.  Would you like that? A little cheer when I cheat would be nice. Some applause when I tell a little fib. Well, boys and girls, do you want to be rich? Will you be my wicked friends? No? No? Then if you are not my friends, you are my enemies! I know where you live. Your parents cannot protect you from the hideous revenge of Ali Kazam.

(Change voice to normal and talk to director)

ALI KAZAM:             Susie luvvie, look here, I’m really not comfortable playing these parts. Where is my motivation coming from? I always get the nasty role? I’m always the baddie. Kids, booing and hissing. I’m really a nice person. This is just so difficult for me. I just cannot play this part if I don’t believe in the character.

(Stage manager pokes his head through the curtain)

DIRECTOR:             But darling. Your a natural for this part. Everybody says so. Remember your press from last year. The drama critic in the Standard thought you were divinely wicked. Just ham up your Richard the third.

ALI KAZAM:             I’m sorry, Susie. No! I have to live the role, be the  role, or it just doesn’t work for me. You know that darling.

DIRECTOR:             I’ll prove it to you.

(To stage manager) Jeremy, can you tell Liz how you feel about her work.

STAGE MANAGER:         Believable. Totally believable.

ALI KAZAM:            Well, you know how I value the input of the production staff, but one really does feel that one needs the support on one’s fellow professionals.

DIRECTOR:            Right. Everyone out here please.

(Half a dozen cast members poke their heads out through the curtaine, in various stages of make-up, dress etc.)

DIRECTOR:             Liz is having a tiny difficulty with her on -stage persona. As her fellow artistes, can I call upon your input?

ALL:(together)        Fabulous darling, your most accomplished role yet.

DIRECTOR:             Do you feel better now?

ALI KAZAM:             The lighting technician was remarkably quiet!

DIRECTOR:             Clive. Your opinion please?

CLIVE:             I love you as Ali Kazam, much more scary than your King Rat or Big Bad Wolf..

DIRECTOR:             There. That’s everybody.

ALI KAZAM: (Pointing to pianist) A silent critic perhaps?

DIRECTOR: (To pianist)     Please.

Pianist:             Perfect luvvie, a towering performance.

(Ali Kazam looks round at entire cast and appears satisfied)

DIRECTOR:             Thank you everyone. Can we get on now, please?

(Cast disappear bacstage)

ALI KAZAM: (back to nasty voice.) Hurry up boy, where are you? Blasted child, why is he so slow?

 (Pauses, staring over audience’s heads towards rear door, normal voice) And while I’m at it Susie.   In case you hadn’t noticed, I am a woman. Why are pantomime villains always played as men?

DIRECTOR:             It’s traditional

ALI KAZAM:             If there is one thing Thatcher’s Britain taught us it’s that the villain doesn’t always have to be a man. Why do I have to be Ali Kazam? Why not Abbie Cadabra? Or, Barbara Cadarbra?

DIRECTOR:             But Ali Kazam is a girl’s name!

ALI KAZAM:             It is?

DIRECTOR:             Of course. It’s short for Alison Kazam.

ALI KAZAM:             Is it?

DIRECTOR:             Obviously. You didn’t realise?

ALI KAZAM:             No. Sorry, luvvie.

DIRECTOR:             Happy now? Could we get on do you think?

ALI KAZAM:             Yes, yes. Sorry. (Nasty voice) WHERE ARE YOU, BLASTED BOY?

Enter Aladdin (from back entrance and rushes, puffed out and collapses at Ali Kazam’s feet.)

ALI KAZAM:             This job is too dangerous for me. I’ve had to get a lad in. And here he is.

ALADDIN:            Oh Mr Magician, sir, can’t we rest a little? I’m so tired.

ALI KAZAM:             Tired? You pathetic child, we have arrived. Now comes the moment when you earn the fortune I promised you.

ALADDIN:             I don’t see how coming to this horrible place will make me rich.

ALI KAZAM:             Of course you don’t. You are a mere boy. Is the word of Ali Kazam, the world’s mightiest magician not enough?

ALADDIN:             No, it isn’t. I don’t believe your promises any more. You’ve lied to me all the way here.

ALI KAZAM:             What did you expect? Every ten feet you wanted to know if we were nearly there yet.

ALADDIN:             Baskets of gold you promised me. The only gold I’ve seen so far is the ring on your finger.

ALI KAZAM:             Go into the cave, boy.

ALADDIN:             Ali Kazam, sir, I am frightened.

ALI KAZAM:             Come boy, do not be afraid. Nothing shall harm you while I am here to guard the entrance. Now go.

ALADDIN:             There may be bats or dragons or goblins or bears or.......

ALI KAZAM:             Enough, enough I say. Here, take this my magic ring. Rub the ring should you be in any danger. Now go, infernal boy. Remember, find the lamp I told you of, bring it back to me and the moment you pass it to me the cave will fill with all manner of gold and jewels. It will be as though the sky is raining riches. Go boy, hurry.

ALADDIN:             All, right I’m going. (Crawls into cave)

ALI KAZAM:             The sky shall rain riches? Ha - gullible fool. The magic lamp is almost mine. Once it is safely in my hands, I shall seal the cave and leave Aladdin there - to die.

ALADDIN:(Voice off)    Let me out, let me out.

ALI KAZAM:             Have you found the lamp yet, boy?

ALADDIN:             Not yet, it’s very creepy in here, I don’t think I want to go any further.

ALI KAZAM:             You must! You must!

ALADDIN:             Easy for you to say. You’re not the one in this dark scary cave.

ALI KAZAM:             Did I not tell you that whilst I guard the entrance you have nothing to fear?

ALADDIN:(Sticking his head out) I haven’ t seen any lamp. I don’t thimk it’s here. You could be wrong. Perhaps we can come back another day with help and a big torch and have a proper look.

ALI KAZAM:             Get back you coward and look again, (Aladdin ducks back inside) Perhaps it’s on a ledge!?!

ALADDIN:(Voice off)     I think I have it.

ALI KAZAM:             Quickly boy, bring it to me.

ALADDIN:             It’s nothing very special. What do you want it for?

ALI KAZAM:             Pass it to me and you will be rich.

ALADDIN:             So you’ve said. But what’s in it for you?

ALI KAZAM:             That is not important, pass me the lamp and go collect your riches.

ALADDIN:             Hold on, hold on. I bring you a dirty old lamp. In exchange  I get to be rich. That seems a very good deal for me and a very bad deal for you. What is so important about this grotty lamp?

ALI KAZAM:             GIVE ME THE LAMP!!!!!

ALADDIN:             Not until you let me out.

ALI KAZAM:             If I help you out you will not be able to collect the jewels. Be reasonable boy. I’ll help you out as soon as you have given me the lamp and had a few minutes to collect some gold. OK?

ALADDIN:             No. Let me out now and you can have it.

ALI KAZAM:             Your last chance, ungrateful boy.

ALADDIN:             No.

ALI KAZAM:             Then stay and die. (closes cave) May your remains be feasted on by rats, accursed child.

Exit Ali Kazam

ALADDIN:             Let me out! Let me out! Oh, please let me out. You can have the lamp. You can have the jewels. I’m sorry, really I am. Oh, please let me out. Ali Kazam. Come back. LET ME OUT!!

End of Scene 1