Great Writing - Home > For Kids > The False Child, 9th & 10th chapters
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1609 guests online and 7 members online
For Children
The False Child, 9th & 10th chapters
By Witzl
25 April 2007
Please give this honest reviews -- any suggestions and comments appreciated.

                     Lunch at the Homeless Shelter        

       “Mom, look, the caterpillars with the black spots are back again,” said Katie. She had taken to calling her mother “mom,” instead of “mother.”  She had also begun to comment on things in the garden that had always been there and were not really worthy of mentioning. It was fun trying to guess how her mother would respond. Today, after her comment about the caterpillars, Katie said to herself, So they are.

    Her mother sat back and wiped a strand of hair out of her eyes. “So they are,” she said, and Katie suddenly had to suppress the urge to giggle.  Her mother looked at her sharply, but Katie had already returned to her weeding and was lost in thought. She was thinking about something Brian had asked her only a week ago.

     “My mom works with people like that,” Brian had remarked, as they had passed a shabbily dressed couple sleeping on a park bench.

      Katie stared. The people on the bench didn’t look like they were working.

      “What sort of job do they do?” she asked.

      “They don’t really work usually,” he answered. “They’re homeless.”

       “But you said your mother works with them!”

       “Jeez, Katie, I mean my Mom helps people like that. She’s a social worker.”

Brian told her that every week his mother and her volunteers made a big meal and served it to homeless people. When Katie wistfully commented that it sounded like fun, Brian hooted with laughter.

    “The food’s crap, Katie!”

    But Katie wondered if it really was. Brian didn’t think much of the magic stones he called peppermints; perhaps the food was nice and he just didn’t realize it.

    “Why don’t you come along with us the next time we go?” he asked. “Mom takes me with her sometimes; you could come too.”

     Katie doubted that her mother would let her go; still, it was worth asking. 

     Katie glanced at her mother who was now frowning at the branch infected with black-spotted caterpillars. Taking a deep breath she said “Mom?” 

       Her mother looked up absent-mindedly. “What is it?”

       “Well, you know Brian?”

       “Yes,” said her mother, somewhat tartly.

       “He wants to know if I want to go to lunch on Saturday. His mom works with homeless people, and it’s for them . . .”

       “I see. So his mother will also be at this…function?”

       “Yes.”  Katie held her breath. 

       Her mother was silent for a moment or two.  Katie pretended to be deeply absorbed in the weeds she was pulling out. Then suddenly she looked up: her mother had spoken, but she was certain she had misheard. “What did you say?”

       “I said, yes. You may go. Please be home by 3:00.”  Her mother sounded tired.

       “3:00!”  Katie was thrilled. That would give her three and a half hours!

       “Yes.  If you are having a meal, it is likely that the function will take at least an hour or two.” Her mother sighed.

       “Oh mother, thank you!”

       Her mother gave her a tired smile.

 

Katie Takes a Ride

       All Saturday morning, Katie moved about her chores as if in a dream. By 11:00 she was in a state approaching panic. What if Brian had another one of the colds he always seemed to be catching? Somehow she managed to get through her morning chores without spilling or breaking anything, though, and at only a few minutes past 11:30, she heard a knock on the door. It was Brian!

       “Katie, I hope that you will not give me cause to regret my decision,” her mother said. Then she turned, and went back into the house. 

       Katie and Brian grinned at each other and raced down the drive. Katie automatically turned toward the direction they took when they went to the library and was well ahead of Brian when she suddenly realized he wasn’t behind her. She turned back to see where he was and saw him standing by a car with his mother. They were both staring at her.

       “Where are you going?” yelled Brian. “Our car’s here.”

       Katie walked slowly back towards them. She stared at the front window of her house – could her mother have known that they were going in a car? What if she hadn’t realized this and was watching them with disapproval, about to step outside and forbid Katie from going after all? Katie knew her mother thought that cars were wasteful indulgences.  But when she looked back, her mother wasn’t at the window.

       “Come on, get in, what are you waiting for?”  Brian was already in the car, so Katie, her heart pounding like fury, climbed in too. It wasn’t easy. There were long, slippery straps that sprang up from the floor of the car, springy things that seemed ready to grab at her ankles and trip her up, and she bumped her head and practically landed in Brian’s lap. All in all, climbing into the backseat of a car was harder than it looked, thought Katie.

       “Everybody buckled up?” asked Brian’s mother.

       “Katie isn’t” said Brian. “Katie, do up your seatbelt. Mom won’t drive unless everybody’s buckled up. Will you, mom?”

       “No, I won’t.  But maybe Katie needs a little help – so give her a hand.”

       Brian leaned over and made a great fuss of fastening one of the long, treacherous straps which had so inconveniently caught at Katie’s ankles.

       Then Brian’s mother stuck a key into a hole in the front of the car and the engine caught and gave Katie the shock of her life.

         Brian gave her a look. “Is this your first time in a car?”

       Katie sat stiffly in her seat, strapped in place, biting her lip. Suddenly the car took off with tremendous speed. Katie could see Brian’s mother smiling at her reassuringly in the little mirror at the front of the car.  Then, gradually, she felt herself beginning to relax. She swallowed and looked at Brian.

       “Yes.”

       Brian gave a little crow of delight.  “Mom, this is Katie’s first car ride!  Can you even believe it?

       Brian’s mother gave Katie another reassuring smile in the little mirror.  “More power to your Mom for not having a car, I say.  Kids nowadays don’t know what it is to walk to anywhere: their parents take them everywhere, it’s ridiculous. Brian, you cut it out.”

       Brian sulked.

       “Now when I was a kid – back when the dinosaurs walked the earth, as you well know, Brian – we had to walk. Everywhere we went. We walked to school, we walked to the Y, we walked to the dentist’s – now that was tough. Having to walk to a place where they stick needles into your gums and drill holes in your teeth – oops, sorry kids.”

       Katie was horrified. Was it really true?  Brian exaggerated, she knew, but his mother?  Would she?  Surely she was exaggerating about the dinosaurs; Katie knew that they lived many millions of years ago...but Brian’s mother was talking again.

       “If we wanted to go somewhere, we walked. And if we couldn’t get there on foot, we took the subway. Or a bus. But we mainly walked. And do you know, Katie, there are kids in Brian’s class who won’t walk to the library because it’s too far away?  And by that they mean it would take ten minutes to walk there!”  She shook her head in disgust.

       It was wonderful to be in a car, thought Katie. Wonderful to look at the fields whizzing past them, to see people on the streets going about their business, walking dogs, shopping. They passed the library, and suddenly Katie realized that they had left the neighborhood she was familiar with and were now in unknown territory. Buildings, houses, signs and billboards she had never seen before rushed past them.

       When Brian’s mother finally stopped the car in front of a large brick building, Katie wished that they could just keep on going.  Brian’s mother turned around in her seat to face Brian.

       “Now Brian, a word or two. My volunteers are going to be there in force today. As you know.”

       Brian rolled his eyes dramatically.

       “So I am warning you:  behave yourself.  It will get back to me if you don’t.  No matter what you think of them, they are helping us a great deal and we need them. Got it?”

       “Yes, ma’am.”  Brian folded his hands in his lap and sat up straight, the picture of politeness. This seemed to enrage his mother. 

       “Brian, for God’s sake, what does it take?”

       “All right, mom. Sorry. I’ll be extra good. I really will.”

       His mother sighed.  My mother isn’t the only one who does that! thought Katie.

       “All right then. Stick with Katie and make sure she has a good time. Okay?”

       “Of course!”

       “Oh – and I almost forgot – you don’t have to eat the food, Katie. Frankly, it’s pretty awful. I’ll buy you kids something tasty and nutritious on the way back – no, not hamburgers, Brian.”

       Brian made a disappointed face.

       “But please, Brian, no negative comments about the food in front of our clients. Think of how they feel – you turn up your nose and say ‘Yuck, what is this junk?’  It’s the one square meal they might be getting in a long time, so imagine how they feel watching you pretend to gag over it?”

       “Hey, I’m not pretending. . . ” Brian said, partly under his breath, but his mother shot him a warning look and they all got out of the car.

       “Come on!” Brian said. “We’ll find Henry. Henry’s great, you’ll love him.”

Reviews

Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Yay - this is great. Who's Henry? I can't wait to find out.  
I loved the description of Katie's first car ride. I relate to getting tangled up in the seatbelts and falling into the car. That happens to me all the time!  
For some reason this is the first time that it struck me that they are American. It was all the 'mom's and 'subway' that made me twig. In Britain we have 'mum's and trains/underground/metro. Someone correct me if I'm out of date.  
MAYBE British children would prefer to hear about British children? All you'd have to do is change 'mom' to 'mum' - the subway comment doesn't really matter. Even Brian's "yes ma'am" is OK because he would have heard that kind of expression on the TV. You can keep the 'mom's for when they publish False Child globally. :grin  
I don't know if I'm right - it's only a suggestion. See what the others think...  
Looking forward to Chapter 11!

Written by Lizzy (781 comments posted) 25th April 2007
I just love the way you are introducing us and Katie to new experiences. It's making me think, and I'm sure it will children, about things we take for granted. 
Interesting that she is going to meet some homeless people. I'm looking forward to her reaction. 
 
Signa's question about mom or mum. I come from the English Midlands and in the Birmingham area it's quite common to say mom. Common in both senses, children from non working class areas tend to say mum. 
Looking forward to her next experiences. 
Lizzy 

Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Reply to Lizzy: Wierd - I always thought 'mom' was American. I've only seen the word 'mom' written in Amercian books and magazines. I've never seen it written in a British newpaper or book - it's always 'mum'. I'm embarrassed about mentioning it now. Why can't you edit these comments?

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Thank you, Signa and Lizzy, for your helpful comments. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about the 'mom' thing, Signa -- I didn't know that either, and my husband's from Coventry, and not posh at all, thank God.  
 
Because I'm American, I wrote this in American English and initially targeted American agents. When they weren't interested, I contacted British agents, but they didn't bite either. My husband keeps telling me to contact more British agents and set this in the U.K., that it is then sure to find favor here, but I cannot imagine that it will really make any difference. American publishers changed all the British references in the Harry Potter series, making 'bangers and mash' 'sausages and mashed potatoes' or something similar, and I think that wasn't necessary, as I personally enjoy the different dialects. As a kid, I always loved books that were set in foreign countries and devoured stories by Swedish, Japanese, French and British authors. Maybe some day I will have to change all my American references to British ones, but right now, all I want to do is get this published.
HI Mary
Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Good two chapters. I too really enjoyed hearing about her first car ride. I tried to get one of my books published in America, and was told most definately that it had to have American spellings and useages, which obviously was no problem for me, except it was a book set in England about English people, so it seemed wrong to do it. Not that I got anywhere with it.  
 
It's a shame to think that the down and outs are getting awful food. Is that really the way it is? I always assumed Shelters would have cheap and nutritious but also tasty food - because they would want their clients to come back. But I suppose if you are starving anything tastes pretty good.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Thank you for your review and comments, Jean.  
 
I have volunteered (very briefly) in three homeless shelters; in one of them the food was as good as the food in any reasonable cafeteria, whereas in the other two it was just awful. In one shelter, which I will not name, they did the best they could on a shoestring budget, but were forced to use donated vegetables from a local greengrocer that were hardly better than the stuff most people throw away. (In fact, that was what I assumed they were at first!) I do remember hearing from someone who lived rough that the food out of dumpsters was much better than the food available in some homeless shelters, so I have modeled this shelter after the worst of the three of my own experience. Kind of a cheap trick, I know, but I had my reasons. 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Having read a bit more of the stoy. I am more immersed in it and after a while I dont think you notice the cultural differences at all. It's the world of the story. maybe as Jean says be guided by the publisher but so long as it is consistent I don't think it matters 
The shelter chapter was one of my favourites and I have a soft spot for Henry 
cheers 
Jane

Written by Lizzy (781 comments posted) 25th April 2007
Reply to Signa 
Sorry Signa I didn't mean to embarass you, I think what you have to do is say 'mum' with a Brummy whine and you get 'mom'. (I can say this without causing offence as I'm a Brummy) Maybe just a spoken and not a written word! 
 
Witzl 
Have read the chapters again and I do like the fact that Brian has to be warned to be good, is he going to lead Katie astray, and after Jane's comment I want to hear more about Henry. 
Lizzy

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th April 2007
Thank you, Jane and Lizzy, for your comments. It really helps to know that people are reading this; it is so hard writing in a vacuum.  
 
Three agents now have full manuscripts of The False Child, and they may even be reading it. Or they may be lining their parakeets' cages with it for all I know, but at least they all asked to see it. I feel as though I've come a long ways just by getting people to ask for the whole manuscript, but waiting to hear what they think about it is doing me in.  
 
I should have submitted it to GW BEFORE I sent out those query letters -- if I had, I might not be quite such a nervous wreck right now.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 26th April 2007
I say keep the dialect it's good. Plus there is so much American television these days some kids probably wouldn't even notice. Another great two chapters, and looking forward to finding out about Henry. I have a vision of a batty old man, or perhaps a scruffy dog, but we'll see! 
You write about Katie very well, i want to jump into the story and give her a wee cuddle bless her for getting tangled up in the seatbelts and not understanding sarcasm. Having said that, from what i've read so far i wouldn't of minded been brought up like her. I's seems almost exhilarating. 
Brian is a very easy character to warm to also.  
There's a lot in her to educate children too, about manners and homeless shelters etc.  
Looking forward to the next installment.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 26th April 2007
Thank you, Gill. I am glad that both you and Signa commented on Katie's problem with the seatbelts; this happens to me all the time, too, and it always amazes me that there are people who don't seem to find getting into a car difficult, or awkward at the very least. It is wonderful to post this story and get such good feedback from GW members -- I really enjoy reading them.

Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 27th April 2007
HI Mary 
 
I would definitely keep the American background. I thought the farmers, where Katie's Mom got her fertilizer, were great characters - you know these people subconsciously and "get them right" in their American milieu, and I am not sure you'd put in as good a background if you altered them to be English. You'd probably overdo it, whereas now, you put in just enough. 
 
I am intrigued by the tale and wonder where it's going.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 27th April 2007
Thank you, Sue.  
 
My husband has said several times that I ought to consider changing this to a British setting, so I am glad to have your opinion. I really don't think I could do British dialects accurately. It's not so much that I'd overdo the dialect; I think I'd actually screw it up. 
 
I really am glad that you find this intriguing; I'll try to keep it so, but make sure and tell me when you think it's taken a departure and turned yawn-worthy.

Written by Phil (6388 comments posted) 28th April 2007
I don't know how you manage this large font size, but it is very easy on the eye. I've always thought the GW default size a little small. 
 
As a British reader, the American language use in this didn't bother me at all. It's pretty clear from the start from small clues that this is set in America so 'mom' shouldn't come as a great shock to anyone. 
 
Interesting that Katie has no concept of idiom. (the dinosaurs thing) When you think about it - which I'm sure you have - developing in such a closed world as you have given to Katie is going to impoverish her in many ways. 
 
Enjoying. 
 
Phil. 

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th April 2007
Thank you for your comments, Phil.  
 
Believe it or not, an American friend who read the first few chapters of this ages ago told me that it sounded very British. For some reason, everyone pictures Katie's mother as having a very clipped, British headmistressy way of talking, when that is not at all what I intended.  
 
I've lived out of the U.S. for so long that I don't dare try and use too many idioms as I'm too out of touch with what is currently used. I only found out the other day that people now use 'friend' as a verb. I still can't get over this, but I've encountered it twice, so it must be a going thing. ("Will you friend me?" and 'She friended me" were the two uses I saw, and I was so shocked I actually wrote them down.) Does that sound ridiculous, or am I just too old and set in my ways?

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item