SCENE: Job Interview.

TREVOR walks into a small office wearing a fireman's outfit. He is in his early 30's and has a cockney accent. Two attractive young women are seated at a table. SALLY is dressed in a low cut top with a plunging neckline. DAWN has her hair tied back and is wearing a formal white blouse with the top button done up. Both are wearing name badges.

SALLY: Hello Trevor, do sit down and make yourself comfortable.

TREVOR sits down.

SALLY: Thank you for your interest in our Call Centre Advisor position. My name's Sally, I'm from Human Resources and this is Dawn who is your prospective team leader.

TREVOR (to Sally): Ah, hello darlin'. (Leans forward and blatantly looks at her cleavage) Wow!

DAWN: Hello Trevor.

TREVOR: Oh hello, er, Diane.

SALLY (folding her arms): Trevor, can you start by telling us about your last job?

TREVOR: Yeah, well, it was fantastic, there was all these birds, they was lovely and some of 'em was really up for it.

DAWN: That good, it's nice when your colleagues are keen on their work.

TREVOR: Oh no they wasn't workin' there, they was our customers, they was watchin' us perform and some of 'em was really up for a bit of, you know, a bit of how's-yer-father after the show.

DAWN: So what exactly was the job, can you take us through what it entailed?

TREVOR: Yeah, as I said it was a sort of performance job, I was up on the stage sort of thing entertaining these birds.

DAWN (Starts fingering her top button): Did it involve any customer service?

TREVOR: You bet! (Winks at Sally). As I said all these birds came to see me and they ended  up seeing all of me, as it were. Some of them was really up for, you know, a little bit extra and of course I was only too happy to oblige. All part of the service.

DAWN (undoes her top button): And this was in the theatre?

TREVOR: Yeah sort of, well, it was a strip show. (Winks).

SALLY: I see. I'm going to ask you some questions about your customer experience and I want you to give real examples of what you did in these scenarios.

TREVOR: OK, fire away darlin'.

SALLY: Can you describe a time when you had to deal with an irate customer.

TREVOR: Well, it wasn't the customer 'erself, she was very happy with the, you know, the extra bit of customer service I gave her after the show. But then 'er husband turned up and burst into the back room just as we'd finished, 'e knew what was goin' on alright. Course I denied everything and just said we was 'aving a chat 'cos we was at the same school when we was kids. I thought that was very plausible but 'e was never really convinced. In the end 'e took a swing but I blocked 'im and held 'im in an arm lock. I managed to get 'im outa the room for Security to deal with. Then I turned round and saw this bird's knickers right behind me on the table just where the bloke 'ad been looking.

SALLY: Seems you had a lucky escape. Can you give me an example of a time when you had to deal with a particularly difficult customer.

TREVOR: Yeah, there was this blonde, perhaps not the most attractive but I 'adn't been 'aving a lot of luck on the pulling front so I thought why not? So I was leading 'er off to the back room when I noticed she 'ad and adams apple and then it all clicked. I mean I realised it was a tranny. I tried to make my excuses but she, I mean he, wouldn't take no for an answer and then I noticed all 'is tranny mates were there, closing in on me. So I legged it into the back room and bolted the door.

SALLY: Can you describe a time when you had to learn a lot of new things very quickly.

TREVOR: Yeah, when I started doing strip shows I just dived in. You know, with all this fanny just watchin' us strip off and some of 'em wantin' a bit extra you 'ave to learn fast. The thing is not to get involved, you know, emotionly like. All these birds want is a quick shag in the back room and the last thing you want is to start fallin' for 'em or anyfink. You learn quick I can tell you and I loved every minute.

SALLY: Can you tell me about a time when you had to use your initiative.

TREVOR: Yeah, I was working in this club in North Wales, it was in Prestatyn, and these four bikers burst in shoutin' summat in Welsh and waving guns about. I thought they was after the fanny but this Welsh bird at the front told me they wanted the takings. But some of the women saw the leathers they was wearing and naturally assumed they was part of the show. They fell on 'em, you shoulda seen it, I was shittin' meself! Then this one bird managed to grab this bloke's gun. She must 'ave thought it was an imitation and was too pissed to notice the look on 'is face.

DAWN: So what did you do then, how did you use your initiative? (Unties her hair and  ruffles it up, then undoes her second button).

TREVOR: Well I 'ad this idea, I went outside to where the electric was and turned off the master switch. I thought the 'ole place would be dark but when I went back there was still a bit of light in there from outside. All these women was cheerin' and larfin'. I looked at the stage and these four bikers was all tied up, completely starkers and covered in foam.

DAWN adjusts her blouse and TREVOR's  jaw drops.

DAWN (dreamily): You must have been so brave.

SALLY rolls her eyes and takes a sidelong glance at DAWN.

TREVOR: Well, it was nothin' really, some of 'em women in the theatre must have 'ad real guts to do what they did.

SALLY (Unfolds her arms): And what was the outcome of this?

TREVOR: Well, we called the cops and got the lights back on. Once the cops 'ad come and arrested the gang we just went on with the show.

DAWN (shifting sensuously): So the show must go on.

SALLY: That was very, er, interesting Trevor. Thank you for coming along today. We'll let you know the result of this interview very shortly.

TREVOR (Folds his arms): Any indications?

DAWN: All the candidates we've interviewed have been of a very high quality but to be quite honest I think you'd hate it here wouldn't he Sally?

SALLY: It all depends on the other candidates but realistically . . .

TREVOR: OK, I get the picture. So it's goodbye then.

DAWN: Well, it doesn't have to be. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm having a party at my place on Saturday. Perhaps you'd like to come along.

DAWN winks at TREVOR.

TREVOR: (Unfolds his arms and stretches out in his chair; looks at Dawn's name tag): Yeah, OK, sounds good to me Dawn. See you on Saturday.

DAWN: Here's my address and number. (Passes him a small piece of paper). Maybe you could come a little early. I could do with a man in the house to stoke my fire.

SALLY glares at DAWN.

TREVOR (looks upwards and folds his arms): Wow!