I would apologise to the ethnic minority lampooned in this piece, but they seem oddly proud of their faults
Robert Mugabe held a press conference yesterday following months of rumour and speculation. For a considerable time Mr Mugabe had been under international pressure to come clean to the world, and yesterday he finally confessed to an auditorium packed with journalists.
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I have always considered my private life to be separate from my public life. But recently my decisions have been unfairly criticised by the cabal of international journalists and rumour mongers. So it is with much deliberation that I am here to tell you today, that I am in fact a Yorkshireman.”
This revelation has long been rumoured amongst commentators, and goes along way to explain Mr Mugabe’s policies. Yorkshiremen consider outsiders to be intruders. “All t’world’s queer ‘cept me and thee, and even thee’s a bit queer” is a saying heard equally in Leeds and Harare. Hence the expulsion of white farmers. Yorkshiremen also consider inhabitants of Barnsley to be inferior to the pure Yorkshire bloodline, in parallel to the treatment of certain ethnic minorities in Zimbabwe.
Commenting on the allegations of famine, Mr Mugabe again stated that there was no food shortage. “Yorkshire pudding is available to every family in the country, with sufficient onion gravy to mop up with a slice of Hovis afterwards. The buggers just won’t eat it. The wicked agitators are demanding chip butties, and I won’t let that Lancashire abomination into our fair land.”
Suspicions were first aroused that Mugabe may have been from oop north when he started to wear short-sleeved shirts, even when the temperature dropped to 30 degrees Celcius, and his robust defense of his opinion in the face of unanimous opposition. But the rumours really started to fly when it was noticed that Mugabe is E ba gum, spelled backwards.
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Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
Very funny.
Loved the last sentence.
Lizzy |
You said you'd rather have a useless re
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
| Just to let you know I read this. |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
Ha ha! Just kidding  I have more to say than that. It made me laugh - especially the chip butty bit - and it was clever. Which came first - the backwards name or the Yorkshire idea? |
Written by Livinginanattic (465 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
| Good fun this. I already knew about the backward spelling of Mugabe so the ending was no surprise I'm afraid. Cheers. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
I know the man is a complete megalomaniac..but to admit to being a Yorkshireman, come on!
Enjoyable read Snoddy, and of course very plausible. Loved the ending, something in my cloistered little world I hadn`t heard or seen before.
Cheers
Woody |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
Clever skit - I'd heard the Mugabe gag before but, goldfish-like, had promptly forgotten it so the ending just about came as a surprise to me.
Probably just the right length to carry the point. Waiting for the boa fide Yorkshire men to come out of the woodowrk now...
Elli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 25th April 2007 |
| Come to think of it, the wicked fellow does have a certain robustly healthy air about him, and underneath all that melanin, his cheeks are probably ruddy as apples. Of course he's a Yorkshireman! Gee, how I've been fooled. |
Written by coosh (887 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
| Very convincing, thought-provoking and to the point. In light of your information, maybe Morgan Tsvangirai is secretly Michael Parkinson. |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
My arse a Yorkshireman - and as for Barnsley, it's almost the epicentre of the YR.
I'll forgive your travesty as it did entertain.
Phil (branch president - Yorkshiremen abroad, Lancs. division.) |
I heard...
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
...Terry Wogan mention theE ba gum reversal in a BBC session I happened to pick up while in England in 1979.
It stuck with me and I have used it since then , as I firmly believe that the oldies are the goodies .
patterjack
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
OK, now Phil has given it his blessing it's safe to comment. I know it's cowardly but he's a big bloke[and his whippets can give you a nasty nip]
Now you mention it there does seem to be some worrying similarities
A very clever concept and perfect stuff for the not news forum.I think you covered all the bases, perhaps if you had made him say it in a strong accent it might have been even funnier.
cheers
J |
Written by TomtomKent (33 comments posted) 27th April 2007 |
I liked that.  |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 10th July 2007 |
| I know it's months late but only just seen it. Made me laugh out loud. But that Mugabe's a dark horse you know; I always that he was a Lancky! |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 10th July 2007 |
| oops... should read 'always thought that he was a Lancky!' |
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