Not written a short story before. Not really sure I've managed it now.
Be gentle with me.
How to get rid of the body?
The murder bit’s the easy part. As long as you’re fairly quiet, or use a gag, you can spend as long as you like. At home. Nice comfy surroundings. You know where everything's kept. Everything you might need. Took a lot of thinking through, though, beforehand. The plastic sheet on the bed was a good idea. Not very nice to work on, but when they’re terrified, bodily functions can come into play.
A quick rinse, a deodorant spray, and Bob’s your uncle.
In a way it's a shame she had to die when she did, but frankly, I'd run out of ideas. You can only play for so long then you start repeating yourself. I didn't want that. Still, I was fairly inventive by anyone's standards. It'll linger in the memory that's for sure. I'll be better next time.
Now, think! How to get rid of the body? What did the others do. The well known ones. The fact they got caught doesn't mean they didn't have any ideas. After all, some of them got away with it for years. Perhaps they were just sloppy when it came down to the detail. I certainly won't be. Most of them were as thick as shit!
Bury it? You've got to get it out the flat first. You can't exactly bury it here. It'd be a hell of a shock for Mrs Perkins downstairs. Flush it in bits? - Neilson did that. It doesn't bloody work! Congealed fat and gory bits and pieces trapped in the waste. You can't afford to move, can you?
Make a list, and make notes.
1) Take it out whole. In a suitcase or something. Need to fold it up as small as possible. Better do it before rigor mortis sets in.
1a) At night! - No, stupid! A bloody great suitcase, now weighing nine stone something, down the stairs in a block of flats at night? How suspicious is that?
1b) During the day? Audacious! If stopped by a neighbour I could be going on my holidays. - Brilliant, bonehead! Then where are you going to stay for the next two weeks? In a tanning salon?
1c) Wait for rigor, and roll it up in a carpet. Hire a van and park it outside, and away! - Roll it up in a carpet? And what will you say to the landlord next month when he does his six monthly inspection? I'll bring the carpet back. Say I've had it cleaned.- Oh, for goodness' sake! Too many details. Too many things to go wrong. Keep it simple!
2) Chop it up and take it out in a series of packages. Carrier bag size. Stick them in waste paper bins all over the city. Could probably do it in ten bags. Two days max! - No! Not in London! One full carrier bag in a waste bin and some busybody will mark you out as a mad bomber. Ring the police. You face will be all over the ten‘o’clock news with three quarters of the body left in the bath.
3) Chop it up small. Take it out piecemeal. Not too often, mustn’t be seen to change my habits. Maybe just a little bit each time I go up to the shop, and the pub, and the Chinese. Just the same as normal! Use Tesco's "carrier bags for life". (A touch of ironic humour never hurt anyone.) They’re all the same. Take a spare and then I could dump one and bring back something in the other, fish and chips, a bottle of beer, a tin of corned beef. All nice and normal! - It’d take about a month doing it like that! Think of the smell!
You should have thought this through before you killed her in a flat. You can't change it now. Can you?
Oh, bugger. How am I going to get rid of the body?
How do other writers do it? I've been staring at the page now for hours.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | I'm almost frightened to ask, but do you want a review or advice? For both our sakes I'll stick with a review.I know your'e only asking for reasons of literary authenticity but no point throwing suspicion on either of us.
It was a bit ghoulish but it was certainly an original piece and an oddly addictive read,. I would have like to know a bit more background, the how and the why but then the title says it all really. I could imagine hearing this on the radio in sort of Alan Partridge voice.
Oh,and thanks for the formatting link
cheers
Jane | Excellent
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | I enjoyed this. The throwaway line at the end when we realise that you are just writing a story was excellent.
Well written, easy to read, keep writing. |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | Enjoyed this. Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you...
With Jane - bit gruesome but worth it for the ending.
Elli |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | Really funny! I could imagine this as being a person who'd thought long and hard about the murder itself, then sat there staring at the newly deceased body saying "great, now what, Einstein?"
Alternatives?
- Eat the body? (Dinner party disposal?)
- Waste disposal unit?
- Fire?
- Assuming the body is unmarked, dump it off the roof? (oh no, she jumped)
- Frame nosey Mrs Perkins?
Still chuckling... |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | i laughed at the end and a few times in between too...tescos carrier bag for life lol! then i was thinking about the great escape and maybe he could take a few morsels in his pockets each time he went out and empty them down his trouser legs as walked around..
if you really want advice about diisposing of a body and research stuff about bodies and that (for your book of course lol) ..what about a bath full of acid? (just make sure you haven't got an enamal bath...it knackers it up big time....not that i'd know from experience you understand  ) also rigor mortis is not a permanant state...it sets in between 20 - 60 mins after death then wears off within an hour or so....another interesting thing i found out when researching once is that a body starts to stink after about a week..it continues to reak for a further month - 6 weeks then it kind of neutralises and smells like earth after that.
anyway good read, good musings of a crime writer. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | I would say that you achieved your aim perfectly.
Great ending.
Had you read John Dark, you would know how to dispose of the body quite easily....EAT IT. |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | As Jane said, the story was addictive, right from the word go. Found the note making really funny, found myself laughing quite a few times in between. An engaging read. Truly Twisted. Job well done.
Regards,
TT
P.S. Janie seems to know a little too much about disposing bodies...
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Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | With everyone else. This was cool. I loved the ending. I guess we must all sit there for hours trying out different scenes and groaning with despair as we realise it won't work.
I've seen a few films where the writers must have thought "Who cares if it's not plausible - we get to use CGI!"
Are you actually appealing for a way to get rid of a body? For a story (obviously)? I'll mull it over for a bit...
My first thought was stuff her inside the bed and then have removal men come and take it away and then I realised that was truly stupid. It's not easy is it? | Apologies
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | Hi Everyone I'm so sorry I haven't responded earlier but my server went down on me. (A female equivalent of a gigolobot perhaps?)
Thank you all for reviewing, and for being so gentle with me.
I'm glad it seems to have gone down so well. I was really torn between making him a writer who actually did the deed (for research only, of course),and a murderer who turns out not to be.
So, No, I'm not really looking for the answer to the question.
Jane - I thought about more background but then it would have been more of a serial killer type story. Maybe later.
Asferthecat - Your undoubted ability to write short stories almost convinced me not to try. Glad you liked it.
Elli - Gruesome? You've no idea how sick I really am.
Rui - You got it. That's exactly where I was coming from. Getting rid of a body? It's location, location, location, everytime.
Janie - I think you're more than a little scary!
Steve- Apologies. I haven't read John Dark. I now shall and will review shortly.
TT - You're a very sick person.
Signa - What were you going to do with the springs and stuffing? Plus, how uncomfortable would that bed be to sleep on afterwards. Unless, of course, she were minced and air-dried first, perhaps.... |
Written by Signa (66 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |  ha ha! I said it was truly stupid. |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 27th April 2007 | 'You've no idea how sick I really am'
'...unless, of course, she were minced and air-dried first.'
...getting there, no?
Elli
ps. I'm saying nothing about the logisitics of sleeping on a corpse-stuffed bed. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | Enjoyed this. Nice ending and some good, funny touches leading up to it.
How about:
You know all those prepaid envelopes you get with junk mail? Chop her up and post her. That way you get rid of the body and frighten those bastards that cover our doormats with rubbish. I reckon you'd have enough envelopes from about one weeks worth of mail.
Good stuff.
Phil. |
Written by Belladonna (7 comments posted) 9th May 2007 | | That is wonderful. I like the darkness to your humour, I'm still laughing. I also love the twist at the end. Well done! |
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 10th May 2007 | Thank you Phil and Belladonna.
I'm glad you liked it.
Regards
Wltshr |
Written by Lizzy (838 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | First part was as good as the second.
I thought that writing it as his thoughts was very effective and also what he didn't say about the murder was more chilling than what he did say.
I'v e led a very sheltered life and can't think of any way of disposal, unless you could get the bits to a pig farm, I've heard that pigs will eat anything!
Lizzy |
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | Hi Lizzy
This story must seem rather odd if you read chapter 2 followed by chapter 1.
If I remember rightly there was a famous kidnap case in the '70's where the body was presumed to have been fed to the pigs.
Thank you for your kind reviews
Wltshr
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