this was written on a challenge from a friend; the goal was to write something containing the words "moon, blanket, knife", and to keep it under the 250-word limit. well, i got the first half, but not quite so in the second part.
the piece is 300 words. :]
So cold... He shuddered, trying to shake off the knife of bitter ice stabbing at his chest, and failed utterly. The warmth and comfort of a fire and hot food was just over the hill, but he could not force himself to turn back. He remembered her smile, and the times they had shared together, and he knew that he would endure anything if there were even some slight hope of getting her back. Grimly, he wrapped his coat tighter around himself and surveyed the snowdrifts that surrounded him. The world was a vast, white, empty bed, covered by some giant’s carelessly tossed blanket. The moon, like a ghostly eye, glared balefully down at him as it cast its silver light over the snow, making it seem even more pale and ethereal. It was incredible how something so beautiful could kill an unwary traveler so quickly… how it could kill her so quickly. Once again, he began trudging through the heavy snow, hoping against hope to find her. A small part of his brain told him that she couldn’t have survived, that she must have been…
If he hadn’t been looking down, he would have missed it altogether. The dark gleam against the stark bleakness of the ice was unmistakable: blood. His breath caught in his throat, and his heart threatened to fail him. The black stains led over a drift, and what lay beyond was invisible to him. Steeling himself, he followed the trail, and looked down from the top of the drift. And what he saw was what he had feared, what he had struggled to push from his thoughts so many times before. The blood had been hers, and the crumpled figure below would fill his dreams for many nights to come. He had come too late. |
Metaphors are cheating
Written by Asferthecat (837 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | I liked the story but I think you cheated using knife and blanket as metaphors.
What about "The thin blanket hid his evil deed from the watching eyes of the moon as he rammed the knife into her heart." (22 words). |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 25th April 2007 | | A neat trick would be to use them as both object and metaphor. Along the lines of (but better than): "He huddled under his blanket in the mouth of the cave watching the moon rise. The moon's smiling face only drove home his failure: caught in the cold and dark. It was ten years since the Earth died, the last people living on its cooling body. He should have learned by now. The moon glinted cruelly on the knife-like icicles hanging above his head. He hoped nobody would come looking for him - the risk was too great. Fearing the slow march of cold and madness, he drew his own knife and rammed it home. Momentary warmth spread from his chest, before darkness blanketed his eyes." (105 words) |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | Metaphors are cheating--what utter nonsense. Anyway the the "moon" one was simile and I have checked the rule book and similes are allowed-- OK seriously As an execise it worked but I was so busy looking out for the words that didn't really take in the content which is why these exercises are so pointless. It's the wrong reason for writing. You obviuosly can write so why bother with this
cheers
Jane |
Written by wltshr (317 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | With Jane on this.
Reasonable prose, but what do YOU have to say.
Regards
Wltshr |
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 26th April 2007 | Nicely written, with a few good touches.
"The moon, like a ghostly eye" I liked, although I would have preferred 'gazing down dolefully' as I can think of no reason why the moon should be glaring at the man.
Fairly certain that you could have lost 50 words if you had wanted to. It is also a story without a beginning, and lots of unanswered questions. Who is she? why is he looking for her? what had happened to her?
As BBS stated: "As an execise it worked but I was so busy looking out for the words that I didn't really take in the content" - "You obviuosly can write"
However I wouldn't go so far as to say "so why bother with this" Why bother with anything?
Throw some mud and see what sticks, and if at first you don't succeed...
Best wishes
Steve.
|
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 27th April 2007 | The only problem that I have with this is that it is a fragment of a story really and therefore kind of unsatisfying. Well-written - though I think you've overwritten it inplaces, you could be more economical at times. But what we really want to know is why she's dead, where they are, why they were there etc etc.
Seems to me that the challenge in itself is fine - and I don't have a problem with the way you worked the words in. But the point ofusing prompts is to stimulate you to write a story, no? So write the rest of the story and sod the word limit!
If you go for flash that's fine but, for me anyway, flash has to have a bit more to it - it can be open ended but there has to be some conclusion of something so that you get some sense of satisfaction and completion as a reader even if a lot of it is left to your imagination.
Elli | haha
Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 27th April 2007 | all born critics, huh? i love you all already. :]
thanks everybody for all the (kind?) comments. i'll be sure to work on it, and maybe you'll be able to comment on a revised version in not all that long. or so i hope.
by the way: i don't do SF much, ("10 years since the Earth died") and he (my character) didn't kill anybody. just clarifying.
thanks again.
cheers, rose |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | As an exercise, I think you passed the test. No problem using words as similes or metaphors. A word is a word. I do have some sympathy with what BBS says. You can clearly write - so let yourself go and don't worry about exercises.
A little over written in places for my tastes, although I'm sure others will like that aspect.
Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | Beautifully written, and a good exercise. These are the type of assignments I like: Here are the ingredients, make something out of it...
Where the content is concerned I am a bit puzzled though. At first I thought she had frozen to death or something, but where did the blood come from? The moon might have suggested an animal (a werewolf?), but it's not clear what happened. |
Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | ah. yes. um. well.
someone killed her? i have no idea. i just described the man and the world. yeah...
:]
thanks for the compliments. i'll do something with this piece, sooner or later. maybe. kind of. well... you know. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
