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Non-Fiction
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| Monkey's Kiss | |
| By Talisker | ||||||||||||
| 26 April 2007 | ||||||||||||
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Just a little rant. To get it off one's chesticles. Golf. A fine game played by bum-holes. You heard right – bum-holes. Dressed in clown attire, with Millennium Dome sizes egos, driving around like the bloody banana-splits in their little clown cars. They think they own the whole of Christendom and beyond, on which to whack their little white balls. They think that nothing, and I mean nothing, zilch, nada…matters more than their golf handicaps – not even the social and mental handicaps which seem to plague this peculiar sect. Today I was walking my rat-catchers on the public psychopath which runs along the side of my local outdoor bagatelle meadow when I had the temerity, nay audacity, to…wait for it dear reader…to call my dog! Well! I happened to catch the gaze of this elderly buffoon on the seventh tee, driver raised ominously, frozen in time, like one of those illustrations in a gowf manual about “how not to do it”, and though his wicked body was twisted grotesquely in order to scowl at me in mid swing, it was his non-tellurian visogue which left the lasting and disturbing impression. To say that his face resembled a bulldog chewing a piss-dipped wasp in lime juice, would elicit complaints from lovers of that breed of canine. To say that he resembled a ruddy-faced, grey-haired, painfully-constipated gargoyle, would be doing a disservice to those cute, gothic embellishments. I mumbled an apology (WHY???) like the motor reflex response to a whacked knee. He “humphed”, he snorted, he relined his stance and aim, he whacked the mini-missile… way over the out-of –bounds fence! Dear reader. I laughed – and the laugh took root. I guffawed – and the guffaw flowered into a massive display of colourful, uncontrollable mirth. I’m sure I actually saw steam spurt from his ears and nostrils as he left the tee, having played his third, a vicious slice into the heavy rough. I went on with a song in my heart and a smile on my angelic countenance. “Monkey’s kiss”, I whispered, through a chuckle, under my breath, “makes you miss”. Oli 26/04/07
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really made me laugh...especially this..
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