Lights up: Fergal enters the stage and politely greets the audience. The Screen behind him shows a Star Wars Montage.

Fergal: Tonights lecture is about a crime against the cinema going public, and perhaps the single worst Female Role Model ever. When I was a kid I loved the original Star Wars films. So did my sister. She loved them. I wanted to be a Space Hero with a lightsabre, and when my sister was forced to sit down and watch the films with me, she stopped wanting to be a Princess, and started to want to be a Princess who was... Dangerous!
*Insert: Princess Liea in Star Wars with the pistol at the beging*
Fergal: Sexy!
*Insert: Princess Liea in her bronze swimming costume from Return of the Jedi.
Fergal: Independant!
*Insert: Princess Liea in an Action Pose from Empire Strikes back.*
Fergal: And now my sister is thirty six with a mortgage she wants to be the woman who snogged Harrison Ford.
*Insert: Empire S-B. Liea "I love you!" Han "I know!"
Fergal (as Han): But your timing stinks!

Fergal: So now it's years later, and Im taking my daughter to see the three new Star Wars films. You know Darth Vader Begins! It should have everything. Natalie Portman as a QUEEN! Romance! Action! Drama! Tragedy! Ah yes! And my daughter wants to be Queen Amadalla. Wow. Now, this has actually struck me as a terrible thing. Amadalla is perhaps the worst rolemodel in history. She is the single thickest twirp in the universe.

*Insert: A montage of scenes from Episode One*
Fergal: And here is where it all begins. A couple of Jedi Knights, super powered police monks of the universe, are investigating a trade embargo. Bla blah blah, Alien city, blah blah blah. Look, a bunch of Robots pick a fight with a bunch of humans, and some aliens. The humans are ruled by a Queen, a young Queen.
*Insert: Episode One: The scene where they talk about her being the youngest elected Queen.*
Fergal: You weren't elected to give in to bossy Tax-Robots? Sorry Love, but if you were a Queen were you elected at all?
*Insert Episode Two. The "I served my two terms and got elected to the senate" talk*
Fergal: Democraticaly elected Queens? Now surely this is George Lucas showing us an alien society, that has it's own unique culture and politics. Erm. It's own unique culture and politics that seem strangely like how Presidents work in America!
*Insert: Episode One, the Senate chambers*
Fergal: Oh look! They have a Senate too! Wow...
*Insert Episode One: Pod Race*
Fergal: And Nascars! USA! USA! But seriously? Democratically elected Princesses? Is that to let girls believe they can be Queens, or to trick them into wanting to be a President? Well, Queeny-Poo runs away and meets a slave kid.
*Insert: Montage of Episode One scenes with cute blonde Anakin*
Fergal: A slave, who the noble Jedi graciously let help them, by making fly a supersonic go cart around a track with a bunch of viscious cheaters.
*Insert: Lots of crashes from the Pod Race*
Fergal: Way to go heroes! Child endangerment! Yeah, he might be freed. Or spread across the tarmac in an explosion. Either way it's fun to watch. Hey, think that is a fun and wholesome pass time, lets send him into a space battle!
*Insert: A montage of episode Ones space battle. Other fliers dying, Anakin having fun blowing stuff up*
Fergal: Now, with mentors like that, is it any wonder he turned out evil?
*Insert: Palpentine telling Anakin he will be watching his career*
Fergal: Oh yeah, and if you saw THAT man saying THAT to your blonde haired blue eyed son after school, you wouldn't be a little suspicious? I mean, is it not scary that it would be LESS disconcerting if that guy was JUST a gurning weirdo in a bad mac, and not the future Fascist Dictator of a Universe spanning dominion?
*Beat*
Fergal: Years later Anakin and Amadalla meet again, now she has aged a little.
*Insert Amadalla from Ep. Two*
Fergal: He has aged a lot.
*Insert Anakin from Episode Two*
Fergal: That is quite a difference in a few years. To put it in perspective, when she looks like this.
*Insert: A recent Madonna video*
Fergal: He will look like this.
*Insert Compo from Last of the Summer Wine*
Fergal: But despite his vow of chasity, they do the dirty.
*Insert: A romantic scene from Ep. Two*
Fergal: Reason she is a bit thick number two... She fell for chat up lines like this!
*Insert Ep. Two Anakin saying "Maybe we need a strong leader..." etc etc
Fergal: Ah yes! The romance of wanting to give up democracy for a totalitarian regime! Still, different points of view and all that. Opposites attracting? It's not like she is involved in Democracy, or anything? Right?
*Insert: Amadalla involved in the Senate, talking about being elected, so on*
Fergal: Oh... Yeah. Still, she's a smart lass. She wont hang around when she realises he has anger issues right? I mean, a little while later Annie finds his Slave Mum has been kidnapped by alien Sand People, and rushes to rescue her. When he finds her she is dead, and he gets a tad upset.
*Insert: The relevent scene from Episode two. Anakin lopping off the Sand Person's head*
Fergal: So. Let's see what happens when Amadalla finds her distraught lover.
*Insert: The "I killed them all!" Speach, and Amadalla comforting Anakin. Both Ep. Two)
Fergal: There there Annie. It's ok. Is it? No wait, he just said he slaughtered women and children and basically commited genocide. And the next thing we see them do?
*Insert: Anakin and Amadalla in a space ship*
Fergal: Yep! When your boyfriend goes mental and slaughters lots of people, guilty innocent, or anything else, then you lock yourself in a confined space with the psycho! Better yet, they are ignoring the advice of one of their mentors!
*Insert: Samual L Jacksons Jedi telling them to stay put. Anakin and Queen ignoring him*
Fergal: Yep! Not only do you lock youself in a confined space with an absolute nutter, but you ignore your boss and go on a suicide mission. Still, they might just make it!
*Insert: Episode Two, Anakin, Obi Wan and Amadalla/padme/what ever other names she used all tied to those pillars in the Fighting Pit*
Fergal: Or, you know, they could stuff it up and get captured. So that the Jedi Space Ninja Super Heroes have THREE people to rescue. Oh yeah, and if you were a former Queen, the last great hope for peace on your planet, at the centre of a delicate web of negotiations and diplomacy what's the last thing you want to do?
*Insert: Episode Two, the marriage of Anakin and pregnant Padme/Amadalla*
Fergal: That's right. Get up the duff by your supposedly celebate and emotionaly unattached body gaurd. How do you keep that scandal secret? EVERY ONE HE WORKS WITH READS MINDS! But Im sorry I still can't get over this:
*Insert: episode two, the "I killed them all" bit. Padme comforting Anakin*
Fergal: Seriously? She comforts HIM for losing his mother? Does she not like Sand People? Is she a Racist? What if he said they were, I don't know, Asian, Arabic, Chinese, French, Canadian, Purple, Green, or Librarians? He killed their women and children and old people. In their beds. With a f*cking sword girl! Not just the ones who hurt his mum, but everyone! Did that not raise a big red flag in your mind? And the really lovelly bit it is... She never mentions it again! Not in this film, or the next one! To think the planet Alderan might have been saved if she told him to get some counciling or something. It takes her another film entirely to even tstart to think that she might be in to a wrong 'un.
*Insert: Padme confronting Anakin on the lava world from Ep. Three. Obi Wan stepping out of the space ship.*
Fergal: She tries to save him! How tragic! How heart breaking! How stupid is she? For those of you who haven't seen the film, he has just ordered the army to kill all the Jedis. Oh, and he slaughtered the Jedis Kids himself. Obviously he is the sort of leader who delegates the challenging work ot his deputies. Now, I am no expert on relationships by a long shot. But the last time I dented my car my wife wouldn't speak to me for a month. Assuming that all reactions are preportionate, then if she thought I had hacked a class full of kids to pieces I'm guessing she would be in Mexico under a false name. And wait a second, didn't she hang around with soldiers and assasins? Did it not occur to her to get a little back up? I mean most abusive spouses don't even have Telepathic Space Ninja powers right? And I haven't mentioned the fact she handed the keys to her world to this guy.
*Insert: Episode Two, Ja Ja Binks at the Senate*
Fergal: That guy is the biggest dumb-arse in a race that consists entirely of negative stereotypes. I'm sorry... But this woman truly is the Thickest Girl in Sci Fi. I'm off to try and give my daughter a new Role Model.