Murder was fast becoming a nasty habit. It had started with a few casual shootings, a happy slapping or two that had got out of hand, a spot of euthanasia. But lately Johnny was finding himself ending human lives with alarming but exhilarating regularity. Blowing brains out was too much fun, a temptation he couldn’t resist. It was better than TV and less complicated than sex. The high of the kill was indescribable, more intense than any orgasm, but the low afterwards, though brief, was bitter. During those moments he felt lightheaded, disconnected from the world, as if for a second or two he had nearly ceased to exist. The only way to shake off the lingering unease caused by the lows was to enjoy more highs. So the killing spiralled. In the space of one week he murdered his girlfriend, his dad, his great aunt, his postman, his dentist and a passing clown.
He went for help. The man with a big nose and no hair called himself a Socially Unendorsed Behaviour Management Facilitator. Johnny told the man with the big nose the nature of his problem and took the trouble of describing, in as much detail as could remember, all of the murders he had committed. The man with the big nose blanched and tried not to look at what appeared to be an erection forming in his client’s trousers. Very swiftly the excitement of reliving his homicidal highs got the better of our ruthless killer and the man with the big nose ended up being bludgeoned to death with his own computer keyboard.
That night Johnny cried and howled with the wretchedness of being a murderer.
The next day, Johnny could be seen standing on Waterloo Bridge, contemplating the brown Thames. As you might expect, he was considering suicide. He was taking his time. A passerby joked, “Don’t jump!” Then a bus crossing the bridge exploded and he was jolted out of his self-pity.
So he went home and resumed his macabre hobby.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | I think this deserves a longer story. The characteryou have created is quite a complex if murderously psychotic person. And if you are
going to the bother of introducing a character and describing him I don't think you should just despatch him so quickly. And I doubt if you could kill anyone with a keyboard.
Was he responsible for the bus exploding, Is that why it jolted out of his self pity?
Good story but it's too short
cheers
Jane | Must agree
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | ........ I'm with BBS on this one!
You've created a character with a few brief pencil strokes, far too good to "toss away" on a micro-story of this nature.
I don't think you need worry about the use of a keyboard as a deadly weapon: after all, if a trained Ninja can slit someone's throat with a single sheet of writing paper (new meaning to the term "paper-cut", perhaps??  ) then a keyboard ought to be a potential WMD!!!
But I agree with Jane in this much: the tale's too short, you need to develop your homocidal maniac and egg him on to bigger and better things .....  | Oh no!
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | jb. You have been away so long, and I was so looking forward to your return.
What happened to Venus the carcass and Quiet whisper (oops!, sorry, that was my one),
What happened to Venus the carcasss and Little Voice? Come on jb, give us some opaque literature, it's what you do best.
Best wishes
Steve. | More Gore
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 29th April 2007 | Loved the character - a bit like that guy in American Psycho. Did he turn out to be imagining it? I can't remember.
I would have liked more gory details - perhaps he could have recounted them to the psychiatrist before murdering him.
Great stuff. |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 30th April 2007 | Would totally go with the others on this one. Just when it was gettin interesting, you threw it all away. There is so much scope to this one. As Asferthercat said, a little description of all the murders that have been committed and the way he did them would have given the readers a brilliant read. NIce work, but would definitely be better with more meat.
Regads,
TT | Hi folks!
Written by jamesbadok (7 comments posted) 2nd May 2007 | Thanks to everyone for your comments. I agree that this story is ludicrously sketchy; it's a symptom of my dissatisfaction with literature generally, especially the tedium of plot, characterisation, setting, etc.
This story is meant to be throwaway - a takeaway, not a banquet. It's also part of a developing and contradictory sequence centring around the same [lack of] character. Here's a sample of two other complete pieces from the set:
At the last count, Johnny had three cocks. They were becoming increasingly difficult to hide. Dirty bastard. But what was he supposed to do about it?
***
It wasn’t until the third night of his honeymoon that Johnny realised he had married a mannequin. What a fool he’d been! But the sex was fantastic.
***
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 5th May 2007 | Unsure whether you want a crit or not after reading your reply to the others. As I'm here, I might as well - ish.
If you're going to write a short story - it might be worth your while to follow it through. If you're interested in very short flash fiction, go for it.
'tedium of plot, characterisation, setting, etc. ' - Out of interest, what are you left with?
Phil.
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