I'm contemplating enteering this for a BBC Radio competition.
This piece is 483 words, max. allowed by the Beeb being 500.
If it feels a bit abrupt it's because I've cut and edited mercilessly in order to reduce it to under 500 words..... and comments will be appreciated [Last Orders (hic!) May 17]
Longings
"You don't know what you've got until it's gone ….."
Someone such as myself, returning from a self-imposed exile soon realises that there are hundreds of little things you never realised you longed for, all the time you were away …
For example:
The folding tables and chairs which sprouted like mushrooms the full length of our suburban street whenever the tight-knit community felt like it. Who owned them? Where were they stashed between parties? Who provided the catering? Who cares …. Nowadays, it seems indeed that nobody does care. People are afraid to establish eye contact, or even go out after dark. The Englishman's home has indeed become his castle, protected by alarm systems and triple action deadbolts…..
Is it wrong to long for the simpler life we all lived not so very many years ago?
For example:
Coming back from two weeks holiday (Amazing! We went abroad !! to Wales!!!!) and finding that we'd forgotten to close our front door when we left. A neighbour noticed, closed it, and kept an eye open for mail/newspapers/milk to make sure that 'strangers' (viz. anyone who didn't actually live in the street) didn't know the house was unoccupied.
Is it wrong to long for the trust we all shared not so very many years ago?
For example:
The incredible smell of fresh baked pies which told the world that Mrs Hughes had struck yet another deal with the local greengrocer for all his 'fades' when he closed on Saturday night …. She was "Grandma" to me. I never realised how lucky I was until it was too late and she'd been taken from us.
Is it wrong to long for such special people we knew not so very many years ago?
For example:
The smooth running of the Overhead Railway carrying dockers during the week and catering for family outings at weekends. This has been replaced by stationary lines of vehicles belching exhaust fumes along Wapping and The Strand, mirroring at ground level the route which the "Dockers Umbrella" once served.
Is it wrong to long for the loss of the Docks industry we had not so very many years ago?
Is it wrong to long for the family Sunday excursion from not so very many years ago?
For example:
The famous Ferry? Yes, it still crosses the Mersey: but the 'day trip' to New Brighton is no longer an option. Even the Pier Head itself has been out of commission for almost a year since it was damaged by storms.
This is an inauspicious start to a two-year period commemorating first the city's 800th Anniversary in 2007, followed immediately by our twelve-month hard won status as European Capital of Culture in 2008.
Is it wrong to long for the common sense and forward planning which could have and should have been done not so very many years ago, by way of preparation?
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Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 29th April 2007 |
This, compared with your descriptions of the trouble that you face nowadays certainly draws a clear picture of how your community changed.
Our neighbourhood never was that close, but like yours it used to be a safe haven, where most people knew eachother, and a pleasant place to come home to. Nowadays it all seems to fall apart too and I envy the people in the villages, where they greet everyone, and can still leave their doors unlocked...
I heard that Liverpool is slowly getting back some of its former glory though?
It's a nice piece, but for a competition I'd think you could add better reasons as to why you think things are inauspicious. This is by far not as brutal as some of the views on your hometown you showed in the forums.
On the other hand maybe you could keep the longing sense until the end, without making a political statement? |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 29th April 2007 |
this made me very sad reading, it reminded me that england is no longer the england it was and never will be again...changed irrevocably. reckon the only places where there is any old england left are some quiet back water villages. i feel lucky to live in one now having been brought up in the roughest housing estate in our city...having said that, we could still leave our doors unlocked as rough as it was, despite the chalk marks that appeared sporadically where the police had marked out where someone had lain murdered.  and i ain't joking btw...you couldn't walk the streets alone late at night but no one would rob from your home.
anyway, nice nostalgic piece, although sad and worrying too. yes it does end kinda abruptly and needs a final few words to round it off me thinks...what, i don't know..something hard hitting and poigant...how many words do you have left? 17? you could get rid of the 'fors' in the 'for example' and gain a few more to enable this doing that would take you up to 22
good luck with your submission. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 30th April 2007 |
I'm with the above, a nice piece which is nostalgic and a little sad. It was a little abrupt in places. However you did give a good account of the way the place has changed over the years.
Cheers. |
Hi Bagheera
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 30th April 2007 |
| I read this first this morning, and it somehow didn't sit right with me. And now I have read the other reviews, I think Fledermaus has got it right. You have done some really passionate writing about Liverpool that is more interesting and exciting to read than this is. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
I think I'll go against the flow with this one. With reservations, I liked it a lot. It has a natural rhythm (repetitions and structure etc) that would make this work really well on the radio. Not poetry, but poetic elements to help the broadcaster pace it. For me, you've clearly had the performance of this in mind. It did hark back to 'happier' times and invoked what many would consider accepted truths - again, perhaps a strength. The examples you used that related directly to your experience worked really well.
Reservations: On a personal level, I refuse to be a doom monger and dislike the tone of pieces like this on principle. I guess I'm a little younger than you (40) but I remember growing up and being frightened of being blown up by the Russians. We were always reminded about strangers - that sort of thing has always happened. I knew poeple who had their house burgled. I was assaulted for no reason when I was 15. The world is possibly a more dangerous place, but it has more to offer too. I have many more opportunities to experience things and achieve things than my parents ever did, and my children will out pace me too. What I'm trying to say is I suppose is: the more we talk down our communities and society, the worse they will be. They do need strengthening - but a 1950s model won't work. Just like a Tudor model (say) wouldn't have worked in the 50s. Sorry, I'm going on. Just trying to explain my objections to tone.
Everything was expanded except: Is it wrong to long for the loss of the Docks industry we had not so very many years ago? This broke the rhythm of the piece and stood out a little for me.
The ending was a very specific point - relating to lack of preparation for City of Culture. (There are posters in our local - Bolton - bakers.) I think a more general point may have worked better. I don't know what the brief was though.
Having waffled on all this time, please don't think I didn't like this. I did. It's a very good, well structured piece of writing that puts its point across very well. Addres a couple of points and I rekon you could be onto a winner. (Unless the judges are awkward buggers like me!)
Good luck with it.
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
| Just reread this, sorry about typos and spelling. |
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