Chapter 30

He had been sitting there for what seemed like ages, when he was startled by a tap on the window.  He looked up to see a middle aged couple standing there, looks of concern on their faces.

“Are you all right, dear?” said the lady, as he wound the window down.  “I was a bit concerned about you, you know!”

“I’m fine, thank you!” he said, his eyes filling with tears at the soft tone of her voice.  “I’ve just had a really bad day, that’s all!”

“Have you been crying?” she said, peering closer at him.

“Is it obvious?” he said, looking at his reflection in the rear view mirror.  “My eyes don’t look too red, do they?  I don’t want to worry my wife – she’s been through enough!”

“I’m sure everything will be fine, dear!” she said, trying to reassure him.  “Things are never as bad as they seem!”

That was true, he thought, as he drove away – sometimes they were a damn sight worse!

He opened the back door, and walked in – then immediately wished he could walk right out again!  Rosie was in the middle of the mother of all tantrums, and it seemed to be a contest between her and Clare as to who could shout the loudest.  Clare was objecting in no uncertain terms to having her nappy changed, and Rosie was trying to attract her mother’s attention.  Donna seemed to be getting more and more flustered by the minute.  She looked up at Jon, a pleading expression on her face.  Rosie’s cries seemed to be piercing his skull like a woodpecker’s beak on a tree trunk, and eventually he could take no more.  He crossed the room, and took firm hold of her.

“That’s enough, Rosie!” he said, trying to keep his temper.  “I won’t put up with this screaming and shouting!  Now, behave yourself!”

“No!” she yelled, lifting up her little hand, and slapping his face.  “Don’t want to!”

“You little sod!”  He held his hand to his face, totally stunned.  “What the hell did you do that for?  You’re going straight to bed – right now!”

“I think she’s tired, Jon!” said Donna, trying to placate him.  “She wouldn’t normally lash out at you like that!”

“Oh, so it’s all right for her to give me the odd slap every now and then, if she’s tired?  I’m glad we’ve cleared that one up!”

“No!  Of course it isn’t all right!  I’m just trying to explain it, that’s all!  Rosie – say sorry to daddy, or I’ll put you to bed myself!”

“Shan’t!” she said, her bottom lip sticking out – her face a picture of petulance.

“Okay!” said Donna, picking her up.  “If you won’t apologise to daddy for hurting him, then you can go to bed!  I will not tolerate slapping – it’s not a very nice thing to do, and it hurts!”

Without waiting for any more protests, she opened the door and made her way upstairs.  She put Rosie in her room, and covered her with a blanket, telling her to stay there until she was ready to apologise.  She shut the door, and came downstairs.  After a few minutes of indignant screaming, Rosie fell quiet – she had obviously been tired, hence the out of character tantrum.  Donna sat down on the sofa next to Jon, leaning her head on his shoulder.  As he sat there gazing at Clare, as her little mouth searched for something only her mother could give her, she noticed the angry red mark on his face – that must have been some slap, she thought.  She took the baby from him, and she immediately latched on, and began to feed, sighing contentedly.

“How did it go?” she said, kissing him gently.   “What did Emily say?”

“Nothing!” he said, closing his eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall.
 “She didn’t say anything!”

Donna looked up at him in surprise.  She could see he was fighting a losing battle with his self-control – what on earth had gone wrong?  She waited until the baby had had her fill, then lay her down in her Moses basket.

“Do you want a cup of tea?” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

“I think it’ll take more than a cup of tea to solve this!” he said, finally breaking down.

He sat there on the sofa, his shoulders hunched, wringing his hands together.  He felt so wretched, that he let the tears roll down his face without even bothering to wipe them off.  Donna made them both a cup of tea, and placed them on the small table in front of the sofa.  She took his hand in hers, and, with some gentle probing, he told her about his meeting with Emily.  She sat there listening intently, growing angrier by the second – she loved her own children more than life itself.  She would never understand Emily’s parents if she lived to be a hundred, it seemed unnatural to her, the way they were behaving.

“It’s happening all over again!” he said, his face a picture of despair.  “The way she looked at me, Donna – there was nothing there!  It was almost as though she couldn’t take any more hurt, she was betrayed in the cruellest possible way by people who were supposed to love her!   I suppose she thinks that if she shuts everyone out, then she can’t get hurt again!”

“You need to give it time, love!” said Donna, pulling him close.  “Just because she won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her!  Keep telling her how much you love her, and that you won’t leave her – give her a glimmer of hope.  You may not get an answer for some considerable time, but tell her anyway.  Put your arms around her and hug her, even if she won’t hug you back.  She’s a very unhappy, bewildered, frightened little girl, who needs you more than ever.  I know there will be times you’ll feel like giving up, but, please, don’t!  When you finally reach her, she’ll remember that you never gave up on her!  You didn’t the first time you met her…..”

“It’s different this time, Donna!” he said, pulling away from her, trying desperately to regain some degree of self-control.  “You didn’t see her face!  It was almost as though she was asking me why, but she was hurting so badly she couldn’t speak!  This is tearing me apart, Donna!  Tell me what to do, because I don’t know – I really don’t know!”

“You know what to do!” she replied, gently wiping the tears from his face with her handkerchief, and placing a featherlight kiss on his forehead.  “Talk to her, hold her and love her!  Now, come on, sweetheart – don’t cry any more!  Goodness me, your poor eyes look so sore!  It’s about time you gave them a break!”

“I bet I look awful!”

“You couldn’t look awful no matter what!” she said, smiling.  “Every time I look at you, I have to pinch myself!  Sometimes I can’t believe that a gorgeous guy like you would want me, I’m so – well, ordinary….”

“Donna!” he said, cupping her face in his hands.  “You are not ordinary!  You are the most beautiful, loving, wonderful woman on God’s earth – and you’re so strong!  You’ve been there through some of the darkest times in my life, and you’ve got me through them.  I can’t put into words just how much I love you!  When I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders, you’re always there to lift it off.  Right now, I need you so badly, because I don’t think I can do this on my own.”

“You don’t have to!” she replied, her voice a whisper.  “I know how much this little girl means to you – I know how much she’s always meant to you!  I’ve seen the torment you’ve been through over the last few months because of your love for her!  Hang in there, love. If you want to go and see her alone, that’s fine by me – but if you feel you could use some help, don’t be too proud to say!”

He didn’t answer her – he couldn’t have done so if his life had depended on it.  He just took her in his arms, and kissed her, a kiss that was full of the love and longing he felt for her, but at that moment, was quite unable to express any other way.

Feeling much more secure in his ability to reach Emily, after his heartfelt talk with Donna, he began to visit her whenever he could, between appearances, which was not easy, but he knew he had to – if he ever wanted Emily back again.  However, it seemed like, as it had done the first time, that he was fighting a losing battle.  He would sit there next to her, talking to her, holding her – trying to hide his hurt when she pushed him away time after time.  Every time he looked up at her mother, she would look away, totally disinterested, and eventually, he did not even bother to talk to her, he just concentrated on Emily. Every time he thought of giving up, he thought of his own children – both of them blessed with parents who worshipped them, and he was determined he would give Emily the same kind of love, even if she didn’t seem to want it.  One day, he arrived at the front door, and before he even had the chance to ring the bell, Emily’s mother opened it.  She looked coldly at him, and when she spoke, her voice seemed almost mechanical, completely devoid of any emotion.

“There’s no point in you coming in!” she said.  “She’s not here!”

“What do you mean – she’s not here?  Where is she?”

“I don’t see why I should tell you!” she snapped.  “Anyway, I’m on my own now – I can’t cope with a handicapped child!  I – “

“You’ve done it again, haven’t you?!” He began to back away from her, feeling as though she’d slapped him.  “You’ve put her back into that home!  How could you?  Just when I think you couldn’t possibly sink any lower, you pull a stunt like this!   God, you make me sick!”

As he turned to walk away, a neighbour leaned over the fence, and said to him:

“Don’t you shout at her like that! I’ll come round there and sort you out!”

“Go on then!” yelled Jon, completely beside himself.   “Go on!  Go for broke!  Give me a slap if it’d make you feel better!”

“Are you losing it?” said the neighbour, leaning on his fence, giving him a quizzical look.  He and Emily’s mother looked at each other in amazement, as Jon turned his back on them, and covered his face with his hands, beginning to sob helplessly.

“No!” he wept, as he began to walk slowly down the path.  “I’ve already lost it!”