I was fortunate enough to visit the arctic during two periods of my time in the Navy. The first was when I came back from eighteen months in the Far East and was immediately posted to the Fisheries Protection Squadron, and then for ten years during the cold war when I was in nuclear subs and we played silly buggers with the Russians. I loved it, the arctic that is - but then, it has been said, that I am not too tightly wrapped.
Note; please accept my apology in advance if I am not around very much. It is because I am getting bogged down with my main project - proceeding very slowly and not at all gracefully at the moment
Iridescence dances on a slate-sea stage
to the tinkling of ice in the air,
Growlers play bass backed by glacial pack
and the wind keeps time in its lair.
The show only stops when fading light
shows the north that the gods are bored,
then the sky turns bright with aurora’s light
and the flash of Odin’s sword.
The gods, enthralled, watch the show of lights
till dawn brings a short-lived day
In the dull-grey light a distant drum
signals time for Thor to play.
Thor’s-hammer pounds and frightened clouds
race across the sky
ripples disturb the sea’s flat calm
as the northwind starts to fly.
growlers and icebergs jostle for space
and the pack is torn and tossed
while iridescence hides her blue-white light
and weeps for harmony lost
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A wonderful poem
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
Packed with feeling and description. I really enjoyed reading this and felt a chill run up my arms when thinking of the cold on a beautiful spring day. The first line drew the reader in with a vivid description: Iridescence dances on a slate-sea stage - this was a wonderful introduction. It flowed pretty well, but I felt that one word was missing from the rhythm:
race ------------ across the sky. I'm a bit of a stickler for rhythm in poetry (as you may have noticed), and this line was not quite right. Were they racing "northwards" or "southwards" - - a word like this would fit the bill. Very good.
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Ice Ditty
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
Great descriptive work here Diplomat, I felt quite cold reading it. I'm with Josie on the missing word thing, perhaps 'homewards' after 'race' in the penultimate verse?
Good luck with the main project.
Cliff |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
| Very nice indeed. In spite of today's heat I almost felt the cold. You just made me want to visit Norway. |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
Yep, very effective description. That first line does draw the reader in. (Me at least.)
Phil |
Written by Sunny (12 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
| The first and last stanzas are the best, they are familiar even to me whose never been near the arctic! It's like youve created a personality out of the ice, with reference to gods and the like. I like. |
At last!
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 1st May 2007 |
Something worth a critique (too many lyrics!).
Very discriptive and emotive piece, which drove me to pour myself a scotch on the rocks. Cheers.
However, must stick my nose in on this missing word issue.
"Thor’s-hammer pounds the frightened clouds
which race across the sky,
as Loki stirs the sea’s flat calm
the northwinds starts to fly".
Cheers again and best wishes
Steve. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 2nd May 2007 |
Normally I am a stickler for keeping to a set rhythm, but that missing word didn't bother me in the slightest, and now I am wondering why.
I think I drew out 'raced' when I was reading this, and even when I went back and tried to see what was 'missing,' this did not bother me. I almost like the idea of keeping that 'race' bare -- it makes the racing seem even faster. Or am I just losing my grip? |
Thanks
Written by Diplomat (28 comments posted) 2nd May 2007 |
Thanks, everyone, for the reviews. I have to confess, I cannot agree that a word is missing. As I have said before, I have no knowledge of poetry and why something works, I just got the rhythm going and it all seemed to fit – sounds okay to me. Incidentally, below is how the piece started off but to me it was all over the place and didn’t flow or sound right.
Blue-white iridescence, leaping on a crowded slate-sea stage,
Dancing to the twinkle tune of air-borne ice,
Supported by bergy-bits with growlers playing bass
Backing by an orchestra of glacial pack.
Fading-lights signal the intermission,
The northwind tires and cymbal air is hushed
Irridescence bows amidst the clutter
and gold sky-born curtains close
Tunes; in ice sharp silence
Theatre rails afire; with cold
Haven; with no place to rest a skin-bare hand
Ground to walk on; but no land. |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 2nd May 2007 |
very nice images in this and a good rhyme scheme too...i would love to see the northern lights..i can;t spell auarora wotzit  you are so lucky to have travelled and seen for yourself. |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 2nd May 2007 |
| i also meant to add that i liked the use of the norse gods. |
Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 8th May 2007 |
Well done, Diplomat, it's beautiful. I find it hard to begin to critique it properly because I enjoyed it so much. I like the repeated use of the word "light" and the internal rhyme "the sky turns bright with aurora's light". Is your main project a novel? I'll look forward to it.
regards
Annie Seed |
Written by goingtothedogs (58 comments posted) 22nd May 2007 |
Great. and so well put.
I've done Alaska, Finland and Sweden. The North has an allure that the warm countries never capture.
The use of the Norse gods was very evocative and caught the spirt so well. |
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