H&S Gladiators

Maximus Offensus addresses his assembled gladiators.  The roar of the crowd in the Coliseum is muted by the thick stonewalls, but still audible enough to be an ever-present reminder of the grim death that haunts every man before him.

‘Right lads, this is the big one.  It's a full house and everyone expects a good show, so lets not let them down.  Those of you doing the killing, I want to see real viciousness behind those strokes.  Those who are dieing, please make the effort to go out screaming okay, no one enjoys that stiff upper lip rubbish you know.'

‘When I give the signal I want you to go out there and take one for old Maximus.  You know I'd love to be there with you, what with the being killed and everything, but this dodgy knee is still playing me up so I'm afraid I'll have to sit this one out...again'.

‘Okay, I'm afraid we just need to sort out a few details....'

 ‘Hang on, hang on.  Who the hell are you?'

 ‘Oh sorry - I'm ‘Safus'.

‘Safus?'

‘Yes, ‘Safus Housus'.  From ‘'QAERRREHHSW''

‘QAERRREHHSW?'

‘Yes, Quality Assurance, Equal Rights, Race Relations, Environmental Health, Health, Safety and Welfare.  We're a government department you know.

'Really? I would never have guessed.'

'I represent the ‘Gladiatorial Protection Agency' branch, ‘'No GBH without the GPA'', that's what we say.

‘Never heard of you'.

‘No? Well we are a fairly new department but we plan to make a real improvement to people's lives, obviously in a measurable and auditable manner that will ensure we hit all our performance targets and core expectations'

‘What? No...never mind...what is it you want?  I've got a show to run here'.

‘Yes, well, that's the thing, there are one or two changes that we need to make in order to enhance the experience for everyone involved'.

‘Like what?'

Well, let's start with that lance'

‘Lance?'

‘Yes boss'

‘Not you Alot, sit down'

‘Yes boss'

‘What's wrong with the lance?  Finest oaken shaft, hand crafted blade, a point you could skewer a fly on'.

‘Yes that's the point'

‘What?'

‘The point'

‘What point?'

‘The point is the point'.

‘I'm sorry; I think I've missed the point.  The point is the point?'

‘Yes, that's the point. The point. It's very...well...pointy really'

‘But surely that's the point.  The point being pointy I mean.  What's the point of a point that's not pointy?'

‘Yes, well, I see your point but nonetheless it'll have to go.  You could hurt somebody with it'

‘Could hurt some...?  But that's the whole point of the point'.

‘I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do.  The point will have to be made less pointy and it's pointless arguing about it'.

‘Okay, right, no points, I get the point.  What else?'

‘What's that net kind of thing that man has?'

‘Ah, you mean the Rete.  A good choice if I may say.  Made of the strongest hemp-rope and ideal for entangling your opponent'.

‘Yes I see, but is it dolphin friendly?'

‘Dauphin friendly?'

‘Yes'

‘But surely they're exclusive to France?'

‘Sorry?'

‘Dauphins.  I mean didn't the French cut off all their heads during the revolution?'

‘Really?  I must say I hadn't heard that.  Well, I suppose if the French have already killed them then there is no need to worry about the nets'.

‘No I suppose not'.

‘Now what about lightning strikes?'

‘Lightning strikes?  We've never even had a lightning strike here'.

‘Of course not! Do you think I would waste my time worrying about lightning strikes if you'd already had one?  Think I've got nothing better to do, do you?

‘No no, of course not...it's just...well...I'm not sure actually'.

‘Look it's perfectly simple.  Leading government philosophers agree that lightning never strikes in the same place twice.  Therefore if you had had a lightning strike we wouldn't need to worry about lightning strikes.  However since you haven't had a lightning strike, ipso facto, we need to be on the alert in case you get a lightning strike.  Quod erat demonstrandum'.

‘What?'

‘QED'.

‘Oh...scientific then is it?'

‘Very'

‘So, what do we need to do?'

‘Each gladiator will have to be equipped with a patented lightning conducting rod strapped to his back and extending not less than two cubits above his head'

‘Cubits?'

‘That's equal to, 0.18181818181818166 Rods, 0.9143999999.999992 Angstroms or 9.904243705224364e-17 Light Years, if that makes it any easier for you'.

‘Lance?'

‘Yes boss?'

‘Got all that have you?'

‘No boss'

‘Good'

‘One more thing.  Looking around it seems that all these gladiators are men.  This is unacceptable under the Equal Opportunities Act, Section 2, Subsection 4.5, Paragraph Headed ‘‘The Fair and Equitable Right of All Races, Creeds and Sexes to be Slaughtered Most Horribly in the Pursuit of Steady Employment Within the Circus Environment (as amended)''.

‘Well actually we have...'

‘You will have get a women in. Furthermore you will need to get representatives from the ethnic, disabled, homosexual and religious fringe communities.  Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if you employed a midget as well'.

‘Okay'

‘Okay?'

‘Okay we've got one'

‘One what?'

‘A black lesbian dwarf, with a wooden leg and a leaning towards the occult'.

‘Well that's fin...really?'

‘Only we call her Barbara'

‘Well...as I say...umm...that's fine then.  However you will have to be more politically correct in how you refer to her.  I would suggest the title ‘Indigenous person of unspecified gender who is vertically and mobility challenged with an open and refreshing attitude towards sexual relationships possibly involving, but not necessarily limited to, the undead'.

‘Right...so not ‘'Barbara'' then?'

‘Okay, I think we're about done.  Hang on...what's this water dripping here?'

‘Oh that's from the tanks they use to flood the Coliseum so they can re-enact naval battles'.

‘Hang on a minute.  Nobody said anything about naval battles to me'.

‘Is that a problem?'

‘I should think so.  You'll have to get someone in from the ‘Maritime and Aquatic Naval Re-enactment Diplomatic and Feel Good Department' to ensure that you are not causing offence to any foreign nationals by insinuating that we soundly trounced them hundreds of years ago...even if we did'.

‘Is there nothing else we can do?'

‘Well I guess in the meantime you could call them the ‘Blues' and the ‘Reds' to avoid offence.  Unfortunately though, this does mean that the gladiators will be required to wear individual floatation devices'.

‘Floata...?'

‘Lifejackets.  Each gladiator will be required to wear a lifejacket in case of unexpected water ingress resulting in a non-floating state being achieved.'

‘But...but what about all their armour and weapons?'

‘Ah yes...you are absolutely correct of course, they will have to leave their armour behind and only use weapons that will not impede their ability to swim a distance of not less than 50 cubits.'

'50 cubits?  How far is that?  No...no...on second thoughts don't bother, we'll work it out ourselves.'

‘Anyway that ought to hold you until an officer from the ‘Maritime and Aquatic Naval Re-enactment Diplomatic and Feel Good Department' can get down to have a look himself.  Now, if there's nothing else I'll be off.'

‘Really?  So soon?  Well...um...thanks...I guess.'

A soldier enters the waiting area from the coliseum stairs.

‘Forget it guys, the shows been cancelled.'

‘What? Why?'

‘They got bored with waiting and so some bright spark built a house in the middle of the coliseum and filled it with members of the audience.  Everybody is watching them to see what they will do next.'

‘And what are they doing?'

‘Nothing.'

‘What? Nothing at all? No killing or maiming or anything?'

‘Nope.  They're just sitting there.  No wait...some of them have gone to sleep.'

‘Sounds terribly dull.'

‘Oh it is, but the crowd loves it.  It's going to be the next big thing.'

‘What are they calling it?'

‘Bigus Brother.'