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Comedy
Dear Abbie (Rewritten and extended)
By wltshr
03 May 2007
This came about after seeing the top ten fiction list at Tesco's. What a sad state of affairs!

Huge apologies to Steve as my original post only included the first three letters and so his follow up posts are now out of sync and may not make as much sense.

Dear Abbie

I’d love to write a blockbuster novel. Make lots of money and retire.
Any ideas?

Regards
Aspiring Writer


Dear AW

I’ve looked at the bestselling books over the past few years and they only cover two subjects. I need you to tell me a couple of things first.

1) What do you know about wizards?
2) Tell me about the abuse in your childhood

Once I have your answers I should be able to help
Love Abbie.


Dear Abbie

Thanks for your promise of help. In answer to your queries.

1) I’m amazed that Roy Wood is still touring and although I'm fond of "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday", my favourite will always be Slade’s "Merry Christmas Everybody".
2) There was no abuse when I was very young. I probably started to abuse myself when I was about thirteen. But didn’t everyone?

Thanks again
Aspiring Writer.


Dear AW

Your letter arrived in the post a little damaged. From the little I could retrieve from the dog's jaws I understand that abuse took place in your early teenage years. Is that right? Abuse is a terrible thing. You must try to record every episode in as much detail as possible.

Your friend
Abbie


Dear Abbie

As you suggested I’ve been remembering the abuse from when I was a teenager and it’s been very hard.
I’ve been trying to write down my memories of each episode but you must know that sometimes abuse occurred at least daily, and sometime two or three times.
Like most teenagers I thought this type of abuse completely normal.
Are you telling me that it isn’t?

Looking forward to your response
Aspiring Writer


Dear AW

Whoever was responsible for your abuse must be made to pay and there is no better way than exposure of the perpetrator in print.

Best wishes
Abbie
PS Having re-read your previous letters I am starting to wonder whether you may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.


Dear Abbie

The wrong end? Hell, it’s not long enough to choose which end to get hold of!

Anyway, I’ve been trying to remember what brought on the abuse. If I recall it was mainly the Littlewoods catalogue, lingerie section. Do you think I could sue?

To help me with my research do you think I could have a signed photo?

All the best
Aspiring Writer

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3294 comments posted) 3rd May 2007
Not sure how you got from Tescos fiction list to this but it was an amusing read. This sort of thing could run and run 
cheers 
J

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 4th May 2007
Hi Jane 
 
Glad you liked it. 
 
The Tesco's fiction list inspired the first letter and the response and then... Well, I would say it got out of hand. 
 
Cheers 
 
Wltshr
Dear Abbie
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 4th May 2007
I need some advise. One of my fello riters has fretened to sue me for nicking his idia, yet it was his idia for it to run and run, yet now he rekons ive infringed his copyrite. I'm finking of cownter sueing, do you fink I've got a leg to stand on? 
Yours, 
Stumpy Warvet. (a.k.a J.K.K.R.K.K.K.A.N.C.M.F.I. Tolkyrowling-Lewis)
Laugh
Written by Asferthecat (824 comments posted) 7th May 2007
I laughed out loud at this one. Thanks for brightening a dreary bank holiday.

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