Final chapter

Chapter 33

For a brief moment, there was silence, as Emily tried to take in what she had just been told.  She just sat there and stared at him, her eyes wide.

“Did you just say you wanted to be my daddy?”

“Yes” he said, gently stroking her cheek.  “That’s what I would like more than anything! What do you say?”

“But I’ve already got a daddy!  I can’t have two!”

“You wouldn’t have two” he replied, puzzled at her reply.  “I would be your new daddy.  Your other daddy isn’t here any more, is he?”

“No” said Emily, gazing at the floor.  “But he might be one day!”

“Emily” he said, softly.  “I don’t think your daddy’s coming back.  Please, think about what I said – I really would love to be your daddy, and for you to come and live in my house – with me, and Donna, and the girls.  You’d have a proper family again!  You wouldn’t have to live here, and share your bedroom with lots of other people, you’d have your own bedroom.  Wouldn’t you like that?”

She turned away from him, pushing his hand from her shoulder.  He seemed totally mystified – what had he done wrong?

“I can’t, Jon” she said, her head averted, so he could not see the tears in her eyes.  “You’ve been nicer to me than anyone in the whole wide world, and I really, really love you, but I’ve got a mummy and a daddy.  I know mummy said she couldn’t look after me, but she may change her mind, especially if daddy came back to her.  I dream of the day when they come here, and ask to take me home.   They’re my mummy and daddy – they must love me just a little bit!  I know they hurt me, but I still love them.  I want to be here when they come for me!   You’re my very very best friend, and I love you so much, but that’s all I want you to be – my friend!”

“Do you really think they’re coming back?” he said, his voice trembling, tears pouring down his face.  “After all that’s happened, do you really think they’ll come back for you?  Is this really what you want?”

“Yes” she said, turning away from him.  “It is what I want – I want my mummy and daddy to come and get me – while there’s a chance they will, I want to make sure I’m here!  I’m sorry!”

“No!” he said, trying in vain to hold back the tears.  “I’m sorry!  I should’ve known better, shouldn’t I?  I love you so much, Emily.  I gave you back the power of speech when everyone else had given up, but when they came for you the first time, I loved you enough to let you go! Love sometimes means letting go, you know!  Oh God, I feel so stupid…..”

Just then, the door opened, and the doctor came in.   A look of concern crossed her face, and she went over and put her hand on his shoulder.  He immediately shook it off.

“Come on, dear!” she said, gently.  “What’s the matter?  What’s gone wrong?”

“Why don’t you ask Emily!” he sobbed, pushing past her.  “Because I really can’t bear to stay here for a moment longer!  I’ve been humiliated enough for one day!”

Ignoring Emily’s pleas for him not to go, he ran down the corridors and out of the big double doors.  As he parked the car on the drive, he saw Eileen watering the plants outside her front door.  The second he got out she noticed there was something wrong.  She came over, and putting her hand on his shoulder, she said:

“What is it, love?  You seemed so happy when you left.  What happened?”

“Nothing!” he yelled, not caring who could see or hear.  “That’s just it, nothing happened!  Why am I such a soft touch, Eileen?  People must see me coming a mile off! Well, that’s it, I’ve had enough – no more Mr. Nice Guy, it doesn’t get you anywhere!  Jesus, I should know that by now! I…..”

“Please, Jon!  People are staring…..”

“I don’t give a toss! I’ve had enough of caring what people think!”

He turned and faced the small group of people who had gathered.

“Enjoying the show, are you?”   He was almost beside himself.  “Well, I’m sorry, but I won’t be doing an encore, so you may as well all bugger off!  Have none of you nothing better to do than to take pleasure in other people’s misery?  Go on, get lost!”

Muttering under their breath, they all walked away, and, taking once last sideways glance at Eileen, he tore indoors, slamming the front door behind him.  Donna was not there – she had taken the girls to visit her parents, and would not be back for a couple of days.  God, what he would give to feel her arms around him right now.  Instead, he was left alone to figure this out for himself.  He just could not understand why Emily had turned him down.  After everything her parents had done, she still clung to the hope that they would take her back.  He had nearly lost everything for her, and yet she still turned him away in favour of her parents – Jesus, that hurt so much.  Still, he thought, blood was thicker than water – he could not think of any other explanation.  Maybe she was still clinging on to the idea of being a proper family, just like other children – like Rosie and Clare.  Maybe it was seeing them that made her realise that was what she wanted, even though everyone else around her knew that was never going to happen.  All he could do was wait, and hope that she would eventually see sense – in the meantime, could he still go and visit her as her friend?  It would hurt like hell, but he still had to go – if he stopped visiting her, that would make him as bad as her parents, and that was the last thing he wanted.  He could not tell her what to think and what to feel – he had to just stand on the sidelines and be there for her, ready to pick up the pieces when everything fell apart.  He knew it was just a matter of when, rather than if.

One night, he was sitting there on the sofa, watching TV, missing Donna and the girls so much it almost hurt – his pride would not let him ring and tell her how he was feeling.  When she rang him later that evening, he tried his utmost to put on a brave face, but she was not fooled.

“Come on, love” she said, her voice soft and gentle.  “What happened?  I can tell by your voice that something’s not right!  Please, talk to me, angel!  What’s wrong?”

Her gentle tone, and soft words completely robbed him of his self-control, and he began to cry softly, hoping she wouldn’t hear.  Through gentle coaxing, she managed to get the full story.  It took a while, as there were times when he was incapable of speech, but eventually he told her everything.

“Oh, sweetheart!” she said, her voice breaking.  “I can’t bear to think of you going through this on your own, I want to be there with you!  I’ll come home now!”

“No!” he said, pulling himself together.  “You stay!  I know how much your mum and dad love to see Rosie and Clare – it’s not fair on them.  Please, I’ll be all right!  Don’t worry about me – I’ll see you when you get back!  I miss you!”

“I miss you, too!” she said, softly.  “I love you!”

“I love you, too!” he said, gently replacing the receiver, and switching off the TV.  He slowly made his way upstairs. After climbing into bed, he did not take long to go to sleep, but it was a fitful sleep, and he woke the next morning feeling as though he had not slept at all.

He kept up his visits to Emily, plastering on a smile to hide his pain.  When he had to leave after each visit, he could feel his heart breaking just a little more – he did not know how much more he could take.  Still, he had made a promise he would never let her down – and he always kept his promises (well, apart from one, that he preferred not to dwell upon for too long).  Every time he asked her if her parents had been in touch – but the reply was always in the negative.  The pain in her eyes went straight to his heart, and he longed to pick her up and take her home with him, but he knew he couldn’t.  He just had to wait.  One day, as he walked through the doors, the doctor met him as he came towards her.

“Oh, thank God you’re here!” she said.  “Emily is in one hell of a state!  She’s been crying all day, and keeps asking for you!  She won’t talk to anyone else!  Would you try and see if you can get through to her!”

“Of course I will!” he said, shocked by the doctor’s words.  “I wonder what could be wrong?”

He went into the room, where Emily sat curled up on a bean bag, crying uncontrollably.  When she looked up and realised who it was, she struggled in vain to get up.  He crossed the room and gently took her in his arms, rocking her back and forth, waiting for her to calm down.

“Emily, please!  What’s wrong!  Talk to me!”

“Everything’s wrong!” she sobbed.  “I don’t want to be alive any more! My life is horrible!  It’s horrible, horrible, horrible!”

“Emily, don’t ever talk like that! Tell me, what’s happened?”

“I rang my mummy, and asked her to come and see me!  She said she was busy, so I said could she come and see me when she wasn’t busy!  Then she said to stop bothering her.  She said – she said she’d got a new life now, she’d got a new boyfriend, and I wasn’t part of her plans!  She doesn’t love me after all!  I thought she still did, just a tiny bit, but she doesn’t – she doesn’t!”

“I still love you, Emily!” he said, hardly able to speak for the lump in his throat.  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!  I don’t know what to say to make you feel better!”

“It’s too late now, isn’t it?” she said, her face still wet with tears.  “It’s too late – because I said no!”

“Do you mean….”

“You’ll probably say no after the way I hurt you, but if you still want to, I would like you to be my daddy – that is, if you still want to!”

“Would I be here if I didn’t want to?” he said, his voice almost a whisper.  “I wasn’t going to give up, even after you said no.  That’s how much I love you, Emily!  Of course I want to, and I know Donna wants to be your mummy – and you’ll have two sisters, as well!”

“I’ve changed my mind” she said, hugging him tightly  “I DO want to be alive!  My life isn’t horrible any more!”

After managing to convince Emily that it was not just a case of taking her home there and then, and that there was procedures they would have to follow, the wheels were set in motion.  The authorities had to be sure they were suitable candidates to look after her.  There were initial doubts as to how Donna would push a pushchair and a wheelchair at the same time, when Jon was not at home, but he went out and bought her the latest motorised wheelchair to replace her old one, so she could transport herself wherever she wanted to go.  Now Rosie and Clare were getting older, and Rosie was spending some time at playgroup, Donna would have time on her hands to devote to Emily as well as to the other two children.  Taking all this into account, the authorities made their decision – Jon and Donna could adopt Emily!

The day they brought her to her new home was one of the happiest days of their lives – the look of pure joy on her face was one they would never forget for as long as they lived.  One night, when Donna was putting the other two girls to bed, Jon and Emily sat there together on the sofa, watching TV – she was snuggled up to him, and seemed content just to be there in his arms, feeling safe and loved.

“Are you all right, sweetheart?” he said, as he heard her sigh.

“I’m fine!” she said, looking up at him.  “I love you, daddy!”

“Say it again, Emily!” he said, tears of joy pouring down his face.  “I still can’t quite believe it!  I just want to hear it again….”

“Okay!” she said, smiling.  “I love you – daddy!”

He hugged her tightly, laughing and crying at the same time. It had been worth every single moment of anger, tears and pain, to finally feel this almost indescribable joy.  He was incapable of speech, but Emily knew what his heart wanted to say.  It wanted to say that against almost impossible odds, he’d found her again, and this time, no-one could take her away again – it was for keeps this time.  Yes, he’d been given another chance – another chance to love her.