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Not News
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Re-branding the News
By Bottleblondesurfer
04 May 2007
 
We signed up to ntl broadband and now it  seems we’re a part of Virgin Media. I don’t remember making that choice. Is it me, or are they taking over everything?

 

 
 
“Good evening, as you all know the news has been re-branded. We are now Virgin Media News: so here is the Virgin news.
Well, a lot of really interesting stuff has happened all over. This is the basic news package, those of you who wish to upgrade to something more detailed press the red “Buy” button now.
 
Those of you with the option 2  “Feel-good” package .I can tell you Tony Blair has been an all round good guy and hasn’t done anything silly. Here we have footage of him presenting Richard Branson with  the new concession and licence. That bald spot hardly shows at all. And on the international front, now; well everyone loves us, except for a few Iraqis and the odd Afghan, but as Tony says “When you’ve got Dubya on your side who cares”
 
Those of you who have upgraded to package 3 have the benefit of the  “Interactive Partiality Option”; so be ready to make your choice now. We have news from Iraq and you can either see footage of soldiers playing football with local boys or footage of them kicking down doors and ransacking hovels, depending on your political sensibilities. The same voice-over covers both. We will soon be extending this option so you can actually edit your own items and make up your own news to suit, just like the government. And you won’t even need a spin doctor.
 
And lastly, we have option 4 The “paranoid cynics option” ;for those of you who think the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. This is a premium rate service as we have had to, actually, employ some  journalists. This option comes complete with a spontaneous translation for politicians’ answers. Here are some recent examples:-
 
“We want to see more to see more cheap housing”---- We want  associate ourselves with the idea without committing to it
“I take full responsibility”----Until I can find someone to blame
“We never comment on individual cases"----How the hell did you find out about that one?
“We have achieved a lot but there is still more to do”- We sort of forgot all about that during the last crisis
 
There is also a pause facility to allow for a quick character assassination of whichever vapid media celebrity is irritating you, so you don’t miss anything.
To subscribe to this you must sign a disclaimer against the possibility  of suffering high-blood pressure brought on by shouting at the telly. And before any political news we will flash the warning “May contain nuts”
In the interest of balance we now have a robust defence of government polices from John Prescott. I’m afraid this is only available to those who have purchased the foreign language option”

Reviews

Written by wltshr (314 comments posted) 4th May 2007
Angry? 
 
Nicely structured rant. 
 
When is the public going to see through that beardie bastard? Virgin Trains? Virgin pensions? (Linked to the FTSE - and launched just before the crash!) A better media manipulator than Princess Di! He must prostrate himself on his mat facing Mike Oldfield every morning. 
From nothing? His dad gave him £100,000 start up capital. 
 
Sorry. I feel better now. 
 
Enjoyed it 
 
Wltshr

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 4th May 2007
Perhaps not your intention, but I actually liked this idea. Still in doubt whether to choose option 2 or 3. 
Whatever channel one's watching, it's usually one sided propaganda crap anyhow, and usually a lot of doom and gloom, so why not choose it yourself? Ignorance can be bliss if it makes you happier ;)
A hit , a palpable hit !
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 4th May 2007
 
 
And before any political news we will flash the warning “May contain nuts” 
 
patterjack

Written by Lizzy (793 comments posted) 5th May 2007
Well done, a very funny piece with a real barb in the tail. 
With Wltshr, when is everyone going to realise that he is not the wonder child that his publicity makes him out to be! 
Lizzy 

Written by TomtomKent (33 comments posted) 5th May 2007
I'm thinking you chose the last option right? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Me too. :upset

Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 5th May 2007
The spontaneous translation sounds like a great idea and probably worth the money. Some nicely barbed comments here. Enjoyed. 
 
Cheers.
Hi Jane
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 5th May 2007
Nicely done take off. But I sort of like Richard Branson.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 5th May 2007
Don't you think you'll sort of miss Prezza when Blair rides off into the sunset and whoever takes over puts his boot up his backside? 
 
Enjoyed this. I don't normally watch TV much at all. However, stuck in a hotel room for a couple evenings the last two days. Was amazed to see a respected journalist doing a rap for the Lib-Dems - actions and all. This on the BBC. What a load of tossers. No wonder half the population couldn't give a flying **** about politics. 
 
Loved the line: 
This is a premium rate service as we have had to, actually, employ some journalists. 
 
Phil.

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 6th May 2007
haven't they got free view? being a cheapskate that's what i'd choose. 
 
beardie bastard? LOL! classic :grin  
 
i thought this very nicely sarcastic, and wouldn't be suprised to see this actually happening in the future...i don't watch the news anymore, haven't for years, i get all i need to know from teletext. i can't stand those news readers who think they're some kind of friggin celeb and stopped watching when some weather girl started to have her own feature slot about 'what suzie (or whatever her name was) likes to do on a weekend' who gives a shit what she gets up to? 
 
they lie too...exaggerate beyond belief to panic everyone and to top the lot they never get the weather forecast right...LIARS!!! :upset

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 7th May 2007
What a great idea, being able to adjust the news to suit your own mood or sensibility! Most of the time I'm a paranoid cynic, but there are times I don't want to see anything ugly, disturbing or negative, so how about a 'no politicians or politics' option?  
 
This really is packed with fun and even though I no longer watch the news (lost with all the other t.v. programs, unfortunately), I can appreciate how worrying Richard Branson's growing influence is.
Where's Bubbles?
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 14th May 2007
That Richard Branson don't like criticism, I bet he's had her "taken out" by a hit man. 
 
Well that's what they implied on Sky News.

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