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My Granddad is the Emperor from Star Wars

This sketch features a normal family going to visit Granddad on a Sunday afternoon. The young Grandchild is very reluctant to do this however and makes some typical complaints such as ‘he's creepy' and ‘he smells funny'. When we arrive at the house however we find out why. Although Granddads house itself is your average semi detached it turns out that Granddad himself is in fact the Emperor from the Star Wars series.

‘your coming was known to me' he says in his creepy voice as he opens the door. The mother replies ‘that's right, we called earlier'. Then as they pass and make the usual greetings he adds: ‘Excellent, everything is going as I have foreseen'

They sit down in the lounge and the mother says: ‘Now Jimmy, tell granddad what you want to be when you grow up'. ‘A fireman' Jimmy responds sheepishly.
We go to a sinister close up of the Emperor as he states evilly:
‘Your plans are futile my young apprentice, I have great plans for you, soon you will be at one with the Dark side and together we shall bring order to the galaxy, ha ha ha'
Mother: ‘Now stop that Dad. I'm going to put the kettle on, would you like some tea?.'
‘Two sugars' the Emperor grumbles ‘and get me some of that Dundee cake while you're at it'
When they are alone the child starts playing with his toy truck. A dark smile spreads across the Emperors face and he then shoots lightning bolts from his hands and draws the toy truck to his lap cackling nastily.
‘Dad, for gods sake pack it in' shouts the mother who sees this. The Emperor grumbles some more

Thousand year Phil
This scene is based on Phil, an average guy in average social situations. However whenever Phil is asked what he has been up to recently the scene alters with dramatic effect; the lighting changes, slow dramatic music is introduced and the camera pans in to a close up as Phil pronounces the various incredible ways he has spent the last few millennia.
Example:
The scene is set as Phil walks into his local pub and finds an acquaintance, Stu, standing there.

Phil: All right Stu? How's tricks?

Stu: Mustn't grumble, been doing a bit of gardening, down the gym a bit, you know how it is. What about yourself? You been up to much?'

At this point Phil looks straight into the camera, which zooms into his face, the lighting changes to a dramatic effect and the slow doomful music begins. Phil begins his proclamation in a deep voice:

Phil: ‘For thousands of years I have dwelt far below the earth in the black mines of Borgrath. Here I sat upon my throne of skulls, in my hands the fates of many. I watched the wretched souls toil in glorious torment, merciful death their only release from my fathomless wrath.
Their pain was my pleasure, their suffering my delight. The thunder clashed, the seas roared and all the while I sat, waiting..... contemplating my revenge'
(or words to this effect)

At this point the camera zooms back out and the scene rapidly turns to reality

To this Stu casually replies: ‘Oh yeah, so what are you drinking?'

‘I'll have pint of carling please mate, cheers' replies Phil

Haha

The knackered chef
This short sketch features the standard view of a TV chef at his countertop in his kitchen. We see him head on with his ingredients and cooking implements about him, however he is fast asleep leaning on one hand and slowly his head nods down, before he snaps it back up and blearily opens his eyes. Looking around he realises where he is and mumbles with annoyance ‘oh bollocks'
This could be repeated with his head actually dropping down into the dish he is preparing. Haha.

Schindlers pissed
The short and simple sketch which again could be repeated in different formats features the famous Oscar shcindler in a typical pose from the film. He is sitting at his desk smoking in dramatic style. He lifts his drink, downs it in one. Squints, and then slowly topples backwards off his chair, clearly very intoxicated.
Haha

Janet and bob
A few ideas for a sketch that features an elderly couple making mistaken interpretations of what they see out of their window at night.

Bob: Janet, Janet love!! Come and look at this.
Janet: What is it love?
Bob: Well..it..it looks like five mail silverback gorillas pushing each other up and down the street in a shopping trolley.
Janet: Don't be ridiculous, it can't be..

Janet steps up to look steps up.
Janet: ‘ooh, oh you might be right, yes I think..'
Oh no, that's just the neighbours cat.
Bob: ‘oh yes, so it is;

Another time:

Bob: Janet!!? Janet!!
Janet: Coming love, what is it?
Bob: Have a look at this. Now I know my eyesight's not what it was used to be but isn't that Sven Goran Erikson climbing through our neighbours windows dressed in a negligee and with only a feather buff to cover his giblets?.
She looks
Janet: No don't be silly, she begins.
Ooh, hold on, ooh you might be right... no it's their curtains
Bob: Oh yeah.

Another one:

Now correct me if im wrong but isn't that les Ferdinand rocketing though the nights sky on a futuristic transport bike.
Don't be silly, love it...ooh, ooh now u mentioned, you know I think you might be...
Oh no, it's just the street lamp. Look!

Oh yeah

Reviews

Written by GertrudePerkins (7 comments posted) 19th July 2005

Damn! You got to the Schindler's Pissed gag before me! :upset

I've been musing on that for a while and haven't got round to writing anything.

Some great ideas 'Fast Show' stylee. Keep them coming.

Liked them all
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 19th July 2005

Could see them as sketches on the "Fast Show"

Especially the repeated items from a theme

Have you tried selling to "Chrysalis" or one of the other comedy production

I don't think it would be too long before you got snapped up

thanks gertrude and kevin
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 20th July 2005

thanks guys, very encouraging.
I've got loads of varying quality and would love to work with a proffesional production team somehow.
Sent off a couple of bits here and there but everyones looking for sitcoms it seem.
Do you have any advice?

Written by GertrudePerkins (7 comments posted) 20th July 2005

My advice is: Keep Trying. And then try some more. Rome wasn't built in a day, worse things at sea and many a mickle makes a muckle and all that. Keep plugging away and someone will eventually sit up and take notice.

And what made you think I was a guy? Of course, I could be submitting under a non de plume, a sobriquet if you will. The truth is out there.....

thanks gertrude, whatever your gender
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 20th July 2005

I guess i meant advice in terms of decent contacts for apporiate publishing agencys. I'll check the old internet.
But thank you never the less.
I use 'guys' in a kind of plural unisex term. A bit of an Americanism perhaps, and possibly an anoying one, but now you mention it...are you a man?

Written by GertrudePerkins (7 comments posted) 20th July 2005

I am, indeed, a man. Mind you, if we all made assumptions based on usernames, you'd be right up the creek! :grin

In case anyone was wondering, my username is the pseudonym used by Blackadder for his novel 'Edmund-A Butler's Tale'...Not original, I'll grant you, but it was appropriate under the circumstances.

thicky black thicky adder thicky
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 20th July 2005

aah, i thought i recognised it from somewhere. That would be the roller coaster of a novel with a certain amount of hot gypsies thrown in.

Written by GertrudePerkins (7 comments posted) 20th July 2005

May I offer you my most enthusiastic contrafribularities for knowing said show, sir! :grin

suggestions where who
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 21st July 2005

particularly thought about it before, but Hat Trick, TalkBack and Tiger Aspect, the three companies which are jointly supporting the Marlowe's productions at the Arts Theatre (and they don't do much jointly, since they are all saw-toothed raptors in the television comedy production swamp) all connect, umbilically, via one particular Marlowe Society production from 1975.

Thinking a bit more about it now, it seems as improbable as it was incestuous. The president of the Marlowe that year was Peter Bennett Jones. He was then a gangling, louche undergraduate with a spectacular set of rooms in Trinity Street. He is now the chairman of the company, which he founded, Tiger Aspect. It produces The Vicar of Dibley and Harry Enfield amongst other programmes. He doesn't gangle any more, but still seems louche and has acquired a spectacular set of offices in Soho Square.

Peter appointed me as the director. I had been a student director and at the time was trying to become professional. He wanted to give me a break and was a very close friend of mine. As it happened, I didn't become a professional director - I did other things. One of them was to set up a different television company, TalkBack, which now produces They Think It's All Over and Ali G, amongst other programmes. Curious, eh?

But there's more. In 1975 we both felt we could shake up the slightly claustrophobic ADC hierarchy if we imported some performers from the Footlights with which we had been closely involved. Jimmy Mulville, then a famously belligerent Liverpuddlian undergraduate and President of the Footlights did a droll audition and was cast as Jordan Knockem. He had some excellent business with live chickens and a fight with a tea tray. In later years Jimmy set up a television production company called Hat Trick which now produces Have I Got News For You, Clive Anderson Now and ... well, you get the pattern. I might add that we wanted to do something outside the safe Shakespearean canon, then the Marlowe's stock in trade, because of the influence of a brilliant production of The Jew Of Malta the year before, with which some of us had been associated. John Chapman, who is currently TalkBack's senior drama producer and has just been responsible for In A Land Of Plenty and Sword Of Honour, directed this. The music was written by Peter Fincham, who has gone on to be the creator of TalkBack's success ... oh,enough! The play was Jonson's "Bartholomew Fair". Robert Bathurst had a small part. We cast absolutely everyone who auditioned and made them construct an actual market in front of the audiences very eyes. We built up a head of steam with a series of fake scandals including the exploitation of live animals, which got as far as the Sun newspaper. Jimmy shaved his head for the Cambridge Evening News. The poster featured a large naked woman with a montaged pig's head, and we sold out the Arts Theatre. The reviews were good and everybody agreed the honours were stolen by a Jack Russell terrier at the beginning of the second half. It was, apparently, a notable production. Like many a notable production it gathered together the prevailing cliquish undergraduate big heads of its era. (Wasn't there one with Trevor Nunn, Margaret Drabble, lan McKellen and Red Rum earlier in the fifties and one in the eighties with Sam Mendes, Simon Russell Beale and Lord Falconer?) But, all the same, I'd never really thought how that very show had those connections, until now. There you go.

But I don't want to give the impression that everybody in independent television production today was also in Bartholomew Fair. Over at the Union, for example, the then president was somebody called Peter Bazalgette who was responsible for Big Brother, amongst other programmes. As far as I know, he had nothing to do with the Marlowe Society at all. It seems not only fitting but also necessary that we should collectively sponsor a Marlowe production. We are very proud to do so. We would like to wish the very best of luck to everybody involved, not only with this play, but also for the future.

Peter Bennett-Jones and Tiger Aspect

thanks kevin
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 22nd July 2005

many thanks, theres some good info there to follow up on.
cheers

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