Just a bit of scribble.
I walked the 3 miles home from work today in close to the first rain Coventry has seen in what feels like forever and boy did I love every second of it.
Chill fingers snag at my hair,
a rough embrace under darkening fecund skies
that seem to swell and swell until they burst,
splattering bullet-hard spray against suddenly tender skin
that heavy denim sags against.
Sympathy shines from the traffic that crawls
alongside me into premature twilight.
My air-conditioned skin,
scoured into submission under artificial light,
soaks up the cold touch of spring,
shuddering under the downpour yet suddenly smooth as silk
and I smile through the rain.
|
Hang about..... !!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 9th May 2007 |
..... arms out:
♪♪♪ "Singin' in the Rain, just Singin' in the Rain .... ♪♪♪ 
Nice one, elli!
I specially liked "darkening fecund skies" and "air-conditioned skin"
Don't want TOO much of a good thing, though: I'd love to see a cricket season without TOO many interruptions for rain!!  |
Walking in the Rain
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 9th May 2007 |
| Yes, it is beating on my window, andwe really need the rain in Yorkshire too. Thank God for the rain. Your poem is so sensual. We felt we were with you all the way Elli. Really lovely. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 9th May 2007 |
The only time I ever see the word fecund is in poems.It just belongs in poetry. It's such a rich sumptuous word and this work was total sensual overload. After reading this the next time it rains I'm going to be out there.
Every line was packed with vivid imagery or sensual enjoyment of the rain. Youcertainly pack a lot into one short poem.
cheers
Jane |
If ...
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 9th May 2007 |
... I had any thing on which to comment adversely it would be
the phrase Sympathy shines as it is slightly more abstract than the rest of this piece that deals so well with the physical .
Fecund and premature have an interesting resonance .
Walking in 1950 along a high muddy ridge road in Armidale, into the face of a biting sleety wind brought me similar feelings
patterjack |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 9th May 2007 |
I loved this, and why is it, that when I pick out my favourite bits, somebody else has found them too.
You give everything a new perspective. Thank you. It is lovely. |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
I can only agree with what everyone else as said. A lovely poem.
Why do we complain about our English weather when we could 'wax lyrical' as you did?
Lizzy |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
I was prepared to like this already -- love that rain! -- so admittedly you didn't have a tough job to sell this to me, but I still really enjoyed it. I liked the 'bullet-hard spray against suddenly tender skin.'
The best thing about rain is that I don't feel obliged to go out and tackle the £(&^%!"@-ing Montbretia. |
you've hit a nail on the head
Written by mmSeason (32 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
I can give up trying to write this one now. You have exactly captured the thing i've been seeking to for years; i always get stuck with "burgeoning" or "lowering" for those clouds and reject them as over-used. I may still try and get the way the light seems brighter in the darkest parts of the clouds. Hm...
I think "chill touch of spring" may go better than "cold" and it harmonises sound-wise with "feeling", "silk", even "artificial".
I didn't notice the thing with "sympathy" until reading Brian's thoughts on it, and he may be right. Perhaps a word meaning "echoes" but visual? I have no vocabulary thismorning, can't suggest, sorry.
Thinking that "feeling" could be dropped in the penultimate line (which is pretty long too) and perhaps also the last 3 words?
All these are niggles and none necessary even in my own opinion. It's lovely throughout, and every line gives me that recognition: yep, i know the feeling. Which is what a poem's all about. 80)
mand |
Thanks
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
I really did enjoy that rain, after the dry April we've had it was a real treat - and sod the car drivers who gave me a lot of odd glances .
Re: sympathy shines - I may rewrite that bit. That is what happens when you try and make a metaphor out of headlights.
As for 'cold touch of srping' - cold perhaps is not quite right but I didn't want to repeat chill...hmmm
I've drooped 'feeling' - thanks for that and am pondering over the last three words 
Cheers everyone - more feedback than I expected from a piece of flash
Elli |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
| ps. Witzl - I'm worried that this ongoing war with the Montbretia is going to permanently damage you! |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 10th May 2007 |
Enjoyed this Elli - it certainly paints the scene well and your enjoyment shines through, even without the last line.
Personally, I've suffered enough rain to last a lifetime.
Phil.
|
Written by mmSeason (32 comments posted) 11th May 2007 |
"metaphor out of headlights" - i took it as light glinting off wet bonnets
"didn't want to repeat chill" - oops, i'd forgotten that earlier "chill"! Now "cool" doesn't work, does it - "nippy" wouldn't either...  As you say, hm.
mand |
Well!!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 20th May 2007 |
ITS WET TEESHIRT TIME AGAIN!!
And who is complaining? If you ain't first, you're fecund, and the very image of a soggy Elli, as fecund as the skies, all tingly and alive, barely resisting the temption to strip off and scream "GOURANGA!!" has me all hot bothered and otherwise strangely affected.
Remember that proposal?
Oli |
Written by goingtothedogs (58 comments posted) 22nd May 2007 |
Lovely... you caught it beautifully
I love summer rain and the sweetness of the air that it brings....
If anyone's read Terry Pratchett's "The Last Continent" he also comments on "the smell of rain" (right at the endof the book, after a long drought). |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
| Well Ms Elli I like this. But than where I come from anything to make it rain is worth trying. I'll talk to our leaders they may give you a ticket if you can bring some rain with you. You may wear what you wish and enjoy it too. ----- Thank you. |
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