OK I've redrafted it quite a bit. All advice is welcome and helpful. Let me know what you think.
Miss Stain and Mr Honey were generally believed to have been the closest of friends, and Miss Stain suspected that his failure to make appropriate advances to her was entirely attributable to his mother’s opposition. Mr Honey’s mother was a delightful lady with a will of iron, as she was fond of telling anyone who would listen and it was quite true that although she did not object to her son having girlfriends, she always insisted on his breaking off such relationships before they became serious.
Miss Stain however was quite as determined as Mrs Honey and no-one could have accused her of not being faithful and diligent in her pursuit of Mr Honey. She had pressed innumerable invitations upon him, delighted whenever he accepted, until they were seen together so frequently as to give rise to a general belief that if they were not “an item”, then they ought to be. She had even obtained employment at his firm, and this had given her far greater access to the object of her affections. She had taken to visiting his office several times a day on the flimsiest of pretexts, watching his door anxiously and rushing to interrupt if a personable female colleague went in. Convinced as Miss Stain was that Mr Honey returned her feelings in some measure, she was not so confident as to imagine him immune to the attractions of other women. Indeed, she could not help being aware of the women he had dated over the years, as Mr Honey had always taken care to confide in her about his relationships and his feelings for the lady of the moment, which had baffled and hurt Miss Stain, even though it was clear to her that Mr Honey was motivated by a wish to make her jealous. It had worked. Indignant and angry, she had watched jealously the progress of these fledgling relationships, powerless to intervene and yet perversely incensed when only Mrs Honey’s calm decree put an end to them. Sometimes she felt it would have served Mr Honey right if she had had nothing more to do with him.
But it was too late now. Death had robbed her of her lovely dream and now the town would never see Miss Stain emerge victorious from the church, dressed in white and decked in flowers, the bride of Mr Honey, with his horrible mother defeated, trailing in her wake. Instead Mr Honey and the other men lowered Miss Stain’s coffin carefully into the grave. Seventy-eight year old Mrs Stain took an unsteady step towards the gaping hole and threw a handful of earth on top of the coffin. Her face was pale and set. She was of the generation that didn’t cry in public. Mr Honey pitied the old lady deeply and was quietly solicitous, guiding her gently and speaking in low, sympathetic tones. Miss Stain lingered, her hopes dwindled to the prospect of seeing in Mr Honey a man bereft.
Miss Stain hovered unseen beside him, searching his face and bearing anxiously for some clue to his feelings. She could detect no sign of sorrow. He seemed almost like a professional pallbearer, sombre, kind and considerate to the family – as if her relatives were merely his clients. His chin was firm, his eye devoid of the least trace of moisture. Puzzled and distressed, the shade of Miss Stain could not help haunting Mr Honey all the way to the funeral tea, where she listened to the mostly meaningless conversations he had with others there. Perhaps he was keeping his feelings hidden out of consideration for her mother? That must be it – his grief would only be evident when he was alone.
When the mourners had drifted off to go on with their lives, it was not her gallant elderly mother that Miss Stain accompanied home, but Mr Honey, whose gait as he walked to his car was unsuitably jaunty, she felt. Miss Stain slid into the car and watched Mr Honey as he sat back in his seat, closed his eyes and uttered an enormous sigh that seemed to come from the very depths of his soul. At last! Miss Stain waited for the torrent of tears that would confirm that he had loved her, in spite of his shyness, in spite of the interference of his mother, in spite of it all. Mr Honey’s eyes opened and there were indeed tears in them, but he was smiling. His habitual tense expression was quite gone and he was smiling like a man free of an irksome burden. The look of relief on his face appalled her, even before he sighed again and blurted out the terrible words:
“Oh, thank God she’s gone! I’m free!” |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 13th May 2007 | A sad, quirky tale. I liked the feeling of the language. The structure of words seemed to echo the formal correctness of the players.
Be careful of sentences running away with themselves. Look at the 3rd sentence in para 1. It takes up 3 quarters of the paragraph, and I had trouble making sense of the last half of the sentence. I would split that sentence into two or three seperate ones.
I'd also drop the bit halfway through where he thinks about the relief. If you could make his thoughts about her ambigious, then the last line would have far more impact. Perhaps telling it all from her eyes, trying to make sense of his reactions, reminiscing about how she had managed to get a job with him, etc, so we can share her shock at the final revelation.
Sorry, this sounds like I'm panning the story, which I'm not. I liked it. | Dear Annie
Written by Asferthecat (824 comments posted) 13th May 2007 | Dear Annie, I like your work and feel guilty that I seem to offer so much advice. I hope you don't mind. With this one I feel as if paragraphs are in the wrong order - I suppose because you want to start with the impact of Miss Stain's death. I think it would have been easier to follow in chronological order.
Otherwise a sweet story with well drawn characters. | Hi Elizabeth
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 13th May 2007 | | You do seem to have a penchant for these death and lingerers sort of stories - which I enjoy reading too. It really was a sad ending. But she did seem a singularly unclued up lady - living off her imagination. |
Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 14th May 2007 | | Hi Jean - thank you for your comments. In both cases, hanging around after their deaths enabled the protaganists to be confronted with the truth, welcome in the first case, unwelcome in the second. |
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 14th May 2007 | A good story and well written. Nice twist at the end.
Lizzy |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 14th May 2007 | Enjoyed this very much. There's something about the language use throughout this that gives it a formal feel. That gives the ending a little more impact.
Good stuff.
Phil. |
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