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By LilGryphMaster
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23 March 2005 |
A cliche' poem about eternal love. If nothing lasts forever,
How can love break the barrier? How does a humans' love last forever,
When thier lives are so short? When you said you loved me,
Did you mean forever? When I leave this world,
Will you still love me? If I left you tonight,
Would you still care about me? When this world ends and another begins,
Will you be there by my side? Is love eternal?
Time will only tell. |
Hmm...
Written by Chaos (14 comments posted) 23rd January 2006 | Generally:
Yeah, a little cliché but the idea of "love transcending time?" -- if, however, you make it specific and real, like you really truly know what you're talking about, it won't sound as much like that hackeneyed scenario of an immature and ignorant person fiddling around with such a personal concept. No offense, but that's always what one must avoid when dealing with an idea like this.
Also, I realize there's no meter, no solid structure to this -- that's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to keep that in mind when putting your ideas into words. Without the burden of a structure, you really have no excuse -- therefore
every single word must be meaningful. Just keep that into consideration.
Specifically:
line 3 - humans' - singular or plural? you say "a human", but then add the possessive apostrophe after the s, and then say "their" in line 4 instead of "him" or "her", and "lives" instead of "life".
line 14 (last line) Perhaps "Only time will tell" instead?
all in all... some great stuff. Remember, it's your poem too -- if you wanna say "screw you, I like it this way", I can't stop you, haha.But I think this has the possibility of being very meaningful, very powerful, if tweaked just a bit. |
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