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Poetry
fracture
By no1butClo
15 May 2007
tried this out on a certain people...sounded positive but I'm skeptical =P

too long? I thought so too
over-done? Probably

salvageable? You decide... [I've sorted the typos now please let me know if you spot more].

Thanks to Brian for help with ammendments of rhythm, form and...well...everything really =)

Warm my spine, I may yet crack,
These hairline fissures cross my back
and trace a picture of each hit
I've taken, and threaten to split
me. The patterns fuse and spread
over my neck and round my head
to my eyes, where I read the world
like words, and leaves to be unfurled.

Rotten, though, is the stuff at heart
of these events, each a small part 
from dark and bigger things, that scare
the life from me, should I but dare
to look. The simple things are gone,
this race no longer works as one
for common good or such-like cause
that might attract attention, pause 
the drama that shows how we've turned, 
and been devoured by our western
dog-eat-dog/cat/mouse/child 'ethic'
corrupt-excuse-for politic.

No wonder, then, when I look down
and see my hands are not my own,
I've no choice but to assume the role
of drone, no conscience, default_SOUL.

Reviews

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 15th May 2007
Quite liked this Clo, but very unsure about some of the line breaks between stanzas, especially one and two. Not too long for me, but does need to be tighter - in expression of thought and structure. 
 
More than salvageable. 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 18th May 2007
mmmm dunno about this one clo. I think I'll come back later 
 
Elli

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