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It Shouldn't Happen to a Fairy Godmother

By AnnieSeed

16 May 2007

This is a five minute job, off the top of my head. I don't normally do that, so let me know what you think. It's not like my usual stuff.

When I started out in the business, oh, it must have been seven hundred years ago now, things were very different. Fairy godmothers don’t have it easy these days. For a start, there are all these EU regulations. You can’t do this, you can’t do that. I’m not allowed to turn pumpkins into coaches for my own personal use anymore, apparently, so I have to travel by bus, if you please. And the service leaves a lot to be desired. It doesn’t help that I’m not allowed to turn the bus driver into a toad for singing “Nobody Loves a Fairy When She’s Forty” whenever I get on the bus. He seems to find something irresistibly funny about a woman with greying hair and middle age spread, dressed in a pink tutu and carrying a wand. If you ask me, that man is crying out to be turned into something nasty, but oh, no! I’m not allowed. Compensation culture or something, they said.

And the girls they expect you to look after as well! Sometimes I feel like giving it all up. You get no gratitude, no appreciation, no respect. Most of these girls look as if their clothes have shrunk in the wash, with their trousers heading south and the hem of their crop tops heading north, and nothing to cover up the podgy No Man’s Land in between. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they decorate all that flesh with tattoos and body piercings.

But I thought I’d landed on my feet this time. My girl Cinders looked so respectable. She’s got a job in a solicitor’s office, dresses very nicely, hair neat and tidy, all tied up in a pony tail, glasses. Well no, she’s not much to look at, but that’s where I come in, isn’t it?

But it turns out she’s a feminist. She says she’s a Modern, Independent Woman. Do you know what she said to me when I first came down the chimney in a shower of sparkles and said to her “You shall go to the ball!”?

She said: “I haven’t got time to go to any ball! I’ve got exams to revise for.”

Exams! How’s that going to get her a handsome prince, may I ask?

Anyway, I tried, I really did. But she just got annoyed. She’s got this way of shoving her glasses back up her nose when she’s annoyed, and glaring at you through them. Makes her eyes look all magnified and scary.

She told me she was a Modern, Independent Woman and she could manage very well on her own, thank you very much.

I said, “But love! I can turn this microwave into a magnificent coach just with a wave of me magic wand! I can turn you into a gorgeous princess just with a wave of me –“

And that’s when she interrupted me. Interrupted ME - her fairy godmother! No manners, the younger generation.

She told me she didn’t believe in princesses, kings and queens and all that – she was a republican. She wanted her microwave to stay a microwave, thank you very much, and she hoped I knew where I could stick my magic wand.

Well I hope I know better than to stay where I’m not wanted.

I was going to apply for a job as a Tooth Fairy but a friend of mine says there’s not much call for it these days, what with fluoride and all that.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 16th May 2007

Liked Snow White, didn't like this.
Written in 5 minutes, and does comes across as a rush job. Needs a good tidy up.
Odd examples:
1) "He seems to find something irresistibly funny about a middle-aged woman with greying hair and middle age spread, dressed in a pink tutu and carrying a wand"
Too many middle-ages!
"He seems to find something irresistibly funny about a grey-haired woman with middle age spread", would be slightly better, however, in my mind, middle-age and grey hair generally don't go together.
2) The punch line doesn't work either. "I was going to apply for a job as a Tooth Fairy but a friend of mine says there’s not much call for it these days, what with fluoride and all that."
Does flouride prevent milk-teeth from falling out? I think not.

Best wishes
steve.

Witty
Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 16th May 2007

A nice, light, witty story.

Pleasant
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 16th May 2007

and in my opinion does not neeed any rewriting.

patterjack

Written by Lizzy (790 comments posted) 17th May 2007

This was good fun, enjoyed it.
Lizzy

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 17th May 2007

I liked the gentle humour in this and it was a clever concept. I realise it was quickly written and I think more could be done with it to up the humour quotient. You could give the fairy more of an attitude and as you mention the tooth fairy you could go into the hierachy of fairies with any back biting that goes on. In fact there are a few ways you could take this to make it funnier but it's a neat litle tale as it is and I think the ending is fine; humour is more important than accuracy,go for the gag every time.
cheers
jane

It Shouldn't Happen to a Fairy Godmothe
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 17th May 2007

Good stuff Liz. I must disagree with some of Steve's comments. It is after all a humerous piece, not a treatise on flouride for the British Dental Journal. However his comments (1) on to many middle ages I do go along with. A very slight polish up would make it even better.
Look forward to more from you Liz.
Cliff

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 18th May 2007

I really like this idea - having read some of your others you seem to have a knack for fairy-tale inspired tales. I liked the ending - even if it isn't technically logical - whoever let logic get in the way of life anyway? Good stuff

Elli

Teeth
Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 18th May 2007

Thanks everyone - re the Tooth Fairy job, the thing is, I didn't know that about milk teeth, or had forgotten it, as I have no children of my own. My OH made the same comment though, before anyone reviewed it!

Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 18th May 2007

Ever seen the cartoon "Fair(l)y odd parents"? This reminded me a bit of it, though your piece is way better

Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 18th May 2007

dank u wel, Fledermaus! :grin

Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 19th May 2007

I enjoyed this, a gentle and amusing quick tale. Maybe it could be polished up - but it's still well worth a read.

Phil.

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