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Iraq - A Royalty Free Zone
By Bottleblondesurfer
16 May 2007
This is my take on the situation. I couldn't hope to match Phil's vitriolic diatribe so I opted for a more surreal approach with just a twist of satire

After all the on – off speculation that has been plaguing the army for weeks it was finally revealed to-day that Iraq would not be getting any Royalty in the next contingent of soldiers

Head of Armed Forces Major General Richard Dannat gave this explanation. “After long and detailed deliberation it was decided that is was a far too dangerous a place and what with the harsh climate and punishing tour of duty we reasonably decided it was no place for an 82 year old woman. We happily admit the Queen is really spry for her age and surprisingly agile. But those hats and bright coat would make her too much of a target”

When asked for a comment the Queen told waiting journalists
“Well, one is totally gutted at the prawspect orv not going as me and the layds have been really up for it and Philip has been giving one extra shooting lessons. I’d got everything ready, the Corgis and Camilla had been put in kennels and the Freezer had been stocked with TV dinners for Phillip and Charles but orders must be obeyed as dear old uncle Kaiser Wilhem used to say”

This has been hailed as a propaganda coup for the insurgents. A spokesman rang to say

“By the Prophets holy haemorrhoids we have shown what cowardly curs they are. Their royalty dare not fight us”
This point has been picked up by the Media who have asked why other members of the Family haven’t gone.

Maj-General Dannat was quick to respond. “Well quite frankly she was not only the obvious choice but the only one. We did assess the others but William is just a long streak of piss, Charles is away with the fairies, Edward is one of the fairies he’s away with. And Harry hasn’t been in a legal state of mind since his testicles dropped. And,of course,Prince Philip won't shoot at anything that fires back. In fact, the idea of any of those inbred mutants in the army is ridiculous. We were glad to see the back of Andrew”

At this point the press conference was brought to an abrupt end and Maj Dannat was hustled away, still shouting “ I wouldn’t have any one of them, not even as a regimental mascot.” Prince Charles is said to be still keen for his mother to continue training in the hope she will soon get to go into combat.
 
 

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 16th May 2007
I'm sure Philip is champing at the bit - a chance to bag (how to put this delicately? - and you understand these are not my sentiments - but what I imagine to be his) a chance to bag some 'non-white' targets. 
 
Not sure about lack of vitriol Jane, your penultimate paragraph is a corker. They are an easy target I suppose, but it would be rude not to strike when the iron is hot. 
 
Enjoyed. The more grief the useless set of scroungers get the better.  
 
I can't think Camilla sharing rooms with corgis would go down well - she'd scare the lot of them. 
 
Good stuff. 
 
Phil.

Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 16th May 2007
patterjack
sentiments...
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 16th May 2007
...noted and approved -- I slapped the keyboard with a rousing republican cheer and posted the above !! 
 
patterjack
HI Jane
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 16th May 2007
Great fun. Made me laugh. And to think of all that money that was wasted on those target tshirts for Harry. But of course they will be collectors' items now.

Written by Lizzy (800 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Very funny. 
Loved the queen's comments, and her accent. 
I really think that comedy like this is the best form of attack. 
good one 
Lizzy
Hi Jane
Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Much enjoyed - not least the idea of the Royals as regimental mascots. Dannat's assessment also raised a hearty smile. 
 
Perfect coffee break read...thank you!

Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Loved the Q accent, loved the twist of satire. 
However, The next time that I go out for dinner, I shall have to watch what they serve up, because this sounds quite unpalatable: 'a long steak of piss' 
 
Best wishes 
steve.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Actually it's a local delicacy here in the Midlands, it's a reference to the marinading process.Thanks for pointing that out and, and to Phil for reminding me about Prince Philip.I've put something in  
cheers 

Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 17th May 2007
I loved the penultimate paragraph too - especially "Philip won't shoot at anything that fires back" and about Camilla being put in kennels, AND "Edward is one of the fairies he's away with".  
 
This is hysterical! LMAO :grin

Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Very surreal Jane. I loved the idea of HM being on the front line. She wouldn`t have to use a rifle, she`d bore the poor Iraqis to death. I wonder how history will judge the `firm`? ...In fact that has given me an idea featuring an extremely ancient David Starkey doing a piece to camera... 
 
Lovely, well thought out piece as usual Jane. 
 
Woody

Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 17th May 2007
I loved the Queen's accent, particularly 'one is totally gutted at the prawspect...'. Also Maj-General Dannat came across very well. Plenty of other lovely touches, some of which have already been mentioned. 
 
This is a very funny piece of satire. 
 
Cheers.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th May 2007
The part about Camilla being put in the kennels is my favorite bit -- I almost missed it the first time around. And I also liked Prince Philip's reluctance to shoot anything that could shoot back. 
 
At least the Queen can talk well. And she likes to wear interesting hats, and has amusing family members who are fun to lampoon. We could use a Queen in America.

Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 17th May 2007
Thought you had several already, Witzl, but you're welcome to ALL our Royal Family any time you like. Take them. Please!

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 18th May 2007
I would, but as I doubt they'd be happy drinking Kool-aid out of chipped jelly jars or sitting on lumpy old sofas that stink of cat drool, I must beg off.  
 
In America, we have no Royal Family whatsoever now that Jackie Kennedy is no longer with us. But to make up for that, we have an impressive number of Royal pains in the ass.
Watto Bubbles
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 19th May 2007
I love the Royal Family and was sorry when the granny died.  
 
But I only love 'em cos they stop us being a Republic could you imagine President Blair! 
 
And without the attendant Aristocratic Orders how can you raise funding for your Political Party? 
 
Brian

Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 10th August 2007
Isn't the queen officially the chief commander of the army? The only logical choice indeed, as I suspect Harry to be too eager to go there. He'd be sort of a Richard III I guess (don't you think he looks a bit like a younger and thinner Henry VIII btw?). 
Isn't there a single living British royal who actually fought in WW2? Somehow the Elizabeth II of your piece reminded me a bit of prince Bernhard, who at a high age still went to Africa to fight elephant-poachers.

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