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Poetry
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eleven
By no1butClo
18 May 2007
had this kicking about for a while, haven't really done anything with it yet

comments welcome, as always

Dusk crushes me, forcing
a last, rasped goodbye
from my ribcage.

I am encased with traced warmth,
marks from your fingers.

The orange spotlight on
the corner can't fight
the creeping dark for long.

Your fingers slip through mine,
and I turn away too soon
to see your body fade to shadow.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 18th May 2007
Nice words, 
Reads well. 
The moon? 
Give us a clue 
Clo. 
Dimness, 
Crushes me! 
Best wishes 
steve.

Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 18th May 2007
There is something about this that I liked very much. Not sure the second stanza works - if I'm reading me right then the sensation (to my mind) is more the contrast between warmth and chill than akin to be encased in warmth. 
 
Interesting and appealing 
 
Elli

Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 18th May 2007
A good poem. I supose the title is about the time? 11pm? Very good. What can I say but that I liked it very much?
you know, Chloe
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 20th May 2007
That I like your writing. In fact, if I were 20 years younger, I'd certainly have your children (if Elli spurned me!).  
 
This is great! Redolent for me of lost love, of sad derparture, of the finality and tragedy of goodbye - when it means neither "farewell" nor "til we meet again". 
 
Distilled sadness - stikes a chord with Oli at this time :cry

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 23rd May 2007
I'm actually not a fan of this one. The first stanza is a bit too melodramatic for my tastes, while the third stanza doesn't seem to tie in at all. And the meaning you're trying to convey is completely lost on me (that could just be me though...).
Surprise!
Written by onlyhattie (9 comments posted) 4th June 2007
I like it. Alot. Rather like the rest of ur work.  
 
Love u matey 
 
xxxx 
 
ps if u havent worked it out its hattie linton here. :grin

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