Chapter 8

Mike came back from the drinks machine, with two steaming cups of coffee.  He passed one to Jon, but he refused to take it.

"I don't want it!" he said, staring straight ahead, his face still wet with tears.  "I don't want anything!"

"I don't know what to say, Jon!" said Mike, he was almost crying himself.  "I just don't know what I can say to ease your pain - I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now - I want to help, but I don't know how!"

"My baby's gone!" he said, gripping Mike's arms until they almost hurt.  "My baby's gone!  Oh, Jesus, Mike!  How do I face Donna? What do I say to her?  I can't bear it! I can't bear it!"

"You have to face her, Jon!" said Mike, trying to free himself from his grip.  "You have to!  She needs you right now - more than ever!  Please, I know you're hurting, but you have to talk to her!  Go on, I'll wait here if you want me to!"

"Would you?" he said, the look on his face tearing at Mike's heart.  "I don't want to be alone when I go home!"

A kindly nurse directed him to a small side ward.  He walked in and shut the door, then went over to the bed where Donna lay, looking so pale and vulnerable.  All of a sudden, he felt like a child again, alone and frightened, not knowing what to say or do.  Nothing could ever have prepared him for this, nothing could have prepared him for the look of abysmal pain on Donna's face.

"My baby's gone, Jon!" she said, tears flooding down her face.  "My baby's gone!  I want my baby back inside me - I feel so empty!"

"I know!" he said, on the verge of tears himself, he had never felt so helpless.  "I'm so sorry, Donna!  I'm so sorry!"

"No, you don't know!"  She was suddenly shouting.  "How can you know?  That baby was growing inside me, now there's nothing!  How the hell can you know?  You're a man!"

"That's not fair, Donna!" he said, his voice was soft and full of pain, it tore at her heart.  "I can't help being a man - it doesn't mean that I'm hurting any less, it was my baby, too!"

"I'm tired, Jon" she said, turning her head away.  "I want to go to sleep"

He leant over to kiss her, but she lifted up her hand, repeating that she wanted to sleep.  Without another word, he left the room, quietly shutting the door.  He went back to the waiting room, where Mike sat reading a newspaper, not even noticing it was a week out of date.  He took one look at Jon, and, putting his arm firmly round his shoulders, he said:

"Come on, let's get you home!"

"What about my car!  It won't drive itself!"

"You're not fit to drive it" said Mike  "It'll be all right here until the morning.  I'll put another ticket on it, the security in this car park is really tight - don't worry about it"

He got into the passenger seat of Mike's car, and, leaning his head back, he was asleep before they arrived home.  As they stopped outside his house, he woke suddenly, taking a while to comprehend where he was.  He turned to Mike, and said:

"I don't want to be alone tonight - would you stay with me - please?"

"Of course" said Mike.  "I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone tonight - what kind of friend would I be if I did?"

As they shut the door behind them, Mike walked into the kitchen, and flicked the switch on the kettle.

"I know a cup of tea isn't any consolation, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment."

"It sounds good to me, Mike" he said  "I feel totally numb at the moment, it might warm me up a bit.  I don't know what I would have done without you tonight.  You're a true friend - an absolute diamond. I owe you one"

"No, you don't" said Mike, putting his hand on his shoulder.  "What are friends for?  I just want to be here to help you through this, and do whatever I can"

As the evening wore on, events were beginning to take their toll, and Mike noticed that Jon was in danger of falling asleep.  He shook him gently, suggesting that he go to bed.

"I think I will" he said.  "Not that I'll sleep - but I don't see any point in staying up"

He went slowly up the stairs, stopping at the top - his eyes fixed firmly on the bedroom door in front of him.  It was the spare room - the baby's room.  He wanted to go in, and yet he didn't - he stood there for what seemed like ages deliberating, then, taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked in.  He looked around at the lemon painted walls, and curtains to match, he looked down at the carpet - with pictures of teddy bears and clowns.  His eyes rested on a beautiful hand crocheted shawl on top of the chest of drawers.  As he picked it up and held it to his face, the pain of what had happened suddenly hit him like a battering ram, and, with a howl of anguish, he sank to the floor.  The second he heard it, Mike rushed upstairs and into the room, taking hold of him.  He pounded Mike's chest with his fists, trying to push him away.

"Leave me alone!  Get off me!  Leave me alone!"

"Stop it, Jon!"  Mike's voice was gentle, but firm.  "Stop it!  Stop fighting me!  Don't shut me out!  Come on, now - that's enough!"

His anger spent, still clutching the shawl, he collapsed into Mike's arms, his whole body shaking as he sobbed uncontrollably, sometimes gasping for breath.  Mike did not speak - he couldn't, besides, he did not know what to say.

"Help me, Mike!  It hurts so bad - I'm so scared!"

"It's all right, Jon!" he whispered, still at a loss what to say.  "I'm here! It's all right!"

"No!  It's not all right!"  He looked up at Mike, tears flooding down his face, his heart heavy with a pain Mike could never know. "My baby's gone - and it's all my fault!"