just getting back into posting my writing again, have been enjoying all your work.
Sitting here in this blank classroom doing ‘Liberal Studies’, what a laugh in this antiseptic plastic hard edged place. Freedom to move from this uncomfortable chair along the corridor, part of a regime but with no control, because that is what it is all about here, control. But she sits there, part of the other world and asks naïve questions, guess she has to have the answer.
‘ See, Miss, I walk along the street, kind of casual like, people don’t notice me, blue overalls, middle aged slightly on the chubby side. I look up at the houses, big detached houses, probably full of spoilt children, bursting wardrobes, big fat TV sets. Bottles of whiskey on the side, warm clean carpet, new ovens and marble work surfaces’
‘Go on’
My God she is fascinated with this, look at her Miss Prim hearing the burglar’s tale.
‘I get a feel, a hunch, a shiver over my shoulders as I pass, I come back the next day, mid afternoon is best , check out that there are no nosy neighbours or dogs and gently walk around the back. Toss their stuff around, tread on the kids toys, pee on their massive bed, then search for the good stuff, the jewellery, phones, cash. I am in and out before you would notice me.’
Her eyes widen, she is shocked, horrified, yet strangely fascinated as I burble on. Mikey from the next cell stifles a grin. I give him the warning glance but she misses it.
‘No, I don’t feel bad, Miss, they are insured, they can afford it… What if someone burgled me, Took my kids toys… I’d cut their balls off Miss..’
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Written by Lizzy (793 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | Enjoyed this.
I think a very good summing up of the attitude of such folk and told in a very simple but effective way.
lizzy |
Written by AnnieSeed (128 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | | This is good - it's interesting how the burglar takes it upon himself to "judge" his victims for having the cheek to have more than he does. I'm not sure if it would be worth alluding to the fact that his so-called "idle rich" victims probably work their butts off for what they have, whilst the burglar is the one who's too lazy to work for what he wants. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | I think this is a really good theme and I like the one-sided dialogue. I do think there could have been a little more depth to the arguments to make this even more effective. It is good, but for me, it only scratches the surface.
Phil. |
Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | I think I've missed something.
Why did Mickey grin? Was this all made up?
Why was the woman so horrified? Surely this sort of thing is everyday stuff in prison. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | You and me both, cat.
The formatting and punctuation seems all over the place, the space bar seems to have had a hammering, and it needs some more dialogue from 'Miss'.
Example: ‘No, I don’t feel bad(comma) Miss, (space-space-space)they are insured, they can afford it…(full stop) What if someone burgled me?(question mark in the wrong place) Took my kids toys(should be here) … I’d cut their balls off(comma) Miss.’
‘No, I don’t feel bad, Miss, they're insured, they can afford it. What if someone burgled me, took my kids toys? I’d cut their balls off, Miss.’
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Written by ellyb39 (79 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | | Thankyou for reading it, and your comments. This was actually something which happened, the sheer callousness of the prisoner was the suprise to a young teacher. |
Written by anorwegianwood (278 comments posted) 19th May 2007 | I liked the dialogue in this very much. I thought there could have been a little more as well, but I liked what's there.
~Claire |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 20th May 2007 | An interesting idea but it is way too short. The character has only just stated to tell us about himself. We don't even know if he is telling the truth or just trying to impress the listener [ the comment about Mickey's grin makes me wonder] I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel like this but you need to do more than just present them to us, we want to know how, why etc .As Phil said we need some more depth
A good start
J |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 20th May 2007 | An interesting idea but it is way too short. The character has only just stated to tell us about himself. We don't even know if he is telling the truth or just trying to impress the listener [ the comment about Mickey's grin makes me wonder] I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel like this but you need to do more than just present them to us, we want to know how, why etc .As Phil said we need some more depth
A good start
J | thanks!
Written by ellyb39 (79 comments posted) 22nd May 2007 | Thankyou all of you for your time and comments, will attempt to make this longer later, certainly agree with all your remarks. Did actually write this as a flash fiction exercise, but now will put it inside something else.
Sorry about all the spaces, do not know quite why it was like that, very strange. ellyb |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 1st June 2007 | A lil more meat is what this requires, otherwise the idea behind it is really good. I also think that the one-sided dialogue kinda gives us a peek into the kind of person the burglar is. Someone who is selfcenterd, egoistical, and arrogant and acts sort of a moral police. He hates the rich and forms his own judgnements about the way they must have acquired their wealth, but at the same time is a hypocrite, as he himself wouldn't like to be burgled. Good attempt. Tighten the spacing, structure, a lil grammar and a lil bit more meat, and you are ready to go.
Regards,
TT |
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