Chapter 9

Mike was shocked at this sudden outburst, he could not believe what he had just heard.

"What do you mean, it's your fault?" he said  "How can it be?"

Jon freed himself from Mike's grasp, and walked over to the window.  He just stood there, staring out at the stars, keeping a very fragile grip on his self control.

"What I said - it's my fault. It if weren't for me, my baby would still be alive, and my wife's heart wouldn't be broken in two!  It is my fault, Mike, and no one will ever convince me otherwise!"

Mike crossed the room, and turned him round to face him, and, for once, he did not try to break free of him.  It was almost as though he had no fight left.

"Why do you think it's your fault?" he said  "Please, tell me - talk to me!"

"I can't - I'm too tired."

He sat down on the floor once again, clutching a small yellow teddy bear in his hand, his eyes blank and lifeless.  He looked as if his whole world had collapsed around him.  Mike stood there watching him, it was almost more than he could bear.  He sat down next to him, he felt so helpless, it was breaking his heart.

"Please, Jon!" he said  "Tell me what happened!  I don't even know how it happened!"

"What bloody difference does that make?  It happened - it's over!  My baby's gone - why do you want me to keep talking about it, are you trying to torture me?"

The minute he spoke those last words, he regretted it.  The look of pain on Mike's face cut like a knife, he turned away from him.

"I'm sorry, Mike!" 

He tried to put his hand on his shoulder, but Mike shook it off, and walked out of the room.  He was hurt beyond words.  Jon got up and went after him, trying to pull him back, but Mike was having none of it.

"If that's what you really think of me" he said, his eyes flashing with anger.  "then you won't want me to stay with you, will you?  I was trying to be a friend to you, and that's how you talk to me!  I'll see myself out!"

"Please, Mike!"  He was gripping his arm now, trying to stop him from going.  "I - I didn't mean what I said, I don't know why I said it!  I don't know if I'm coming or going - please, don't go, please!  Mike!!! "

He screamed his name as Mike slammed the door behind him.  As Jon heard him start up his car and drive away, he knew he was on his own.  Still steaming with anger at himself, he went into the kitchen to make yet another cup of tea, he did not know what else to do.  As the kettle boiled, he picked it up, but he screamed in pain as it slipped from his grasp, sending boiling hot water over his hands. He held them under the cold tap, the pain making him feel sick.  He wondered what else could happen tonight - it had been, without doubt, the worst night of his life.  Suddenly, he heard the doorbell, and, muttering under his breath, he went to answer it, wondering who on earth it could be.  With extreme difficulty, he managed to open the door, and, to his surprise, he saw Mike.

"It's no use" he said  "I just couldn't leave you, I.....   what the hell have you done?!"

"I dropped the kettle!" he said, leaning his head against the wall, crying softly.  Mike took over, gently steering him into the living room.

"What are you like?" he said, as he tended to his scalded hands, secretly wondering whether he might have to pay another visit to the hospital. "Can't leave you on your own for five minutes, can I?"

For a few minutes, neither of them spoke, then Mike broke the silence.  Putting a tentative hand on his shoulder, he said:

"Are you going to tell me, now?  Come on, you can't keep it to yourself - it'll eat you up inside if you don't talk to someone!"

"I tried to stop, Mike!"  He covered his face with his hands, ignoring the pain that coursed through them, tears overwhelming him once again. "I tried...."

"What do you mean?"

"A car pulled out in front of us!  There was no warning - he just appeared from nowhere!  I slammed the brakes on, but I couldn't stop - I hit him!  He just drove off, he didn't even stop!  I hit him, Mike!  That's why it's my fault!  I killed our baby...."

Mike grabbed hold of him and shook him, trying to get him to calm down.

"That's enough, Jon!" he shouted.  "That's enough!  It wasn't your fault!  That car pulled out in front of you - you couldn't have avoided it!  Do you hear me!  It wasn't your fault!"

"Don't you shout at me!!"  He was beside himself, his chest heaving as he fought to control himself. "If it wasn't my fault - whose was it??  Tell me that - whose was it?!!"

"The other driver!" said Mike  "It was his fault - not yours! Until you start believing that, you'll never come to terms with this!"

"Do you know what scares me more than anything, Mike?" he said, wincing as a sudden pain shot through his hands.  "Does Donna blame me?"

"I'm sure she doesn't" said Mike, desperately trying to reassure him, but he was thinking to himself that, maybe, in her delicate state of mind, Donna would be lashing out at anyone and everyone, trying to find someone to blame.  It was easy to blame the nearest person, and Mike hoped and prayed to himself that Jon would not end up in the firing line.