Chapter 10

After a couple of days, Donna was well enough, physically at least, to come home.  She did not utter a single word all the way home, and, even as she walked into the living room, and carefully sat down on the sofa, she still did not speak.

Jon was at a loss to understand just what was going on in her head, she did not appear to be showing any kind of feelings at all - they seemed to be switched off.  He sat down next to her, and put his arm around her shoulders.  He was shocked when she removed it, and moved away from him.

"Don't touch me, Jon!" she said "I'm not in the mood for that just yet!"

"Do you really think that's what I'm after?"  He was shocked and hurt by her words.  "Do you really think so little of me?  I was only trying to comfort you as best I can. Please, don't push me away!"

She looked at him, a totally different look to the loving gaze she had given him the last time they were sitting together on the sofa.  She got up and made her way towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" he said.  "Are you all right?"

"Never better!" she said, her voice bitter and cutting.  "I'm going to lie down on the bed, if that's all right with you!"

"Donna, why are you talking to me like this?  You're not the only one who's lost a baby, you know!"

"No" she agreed  "but I was the one who was carrying him or her - we'll never know which now, will we?  So I think it was slightly different for me, don't you?  Don't give me any of that bullshit about men feeling the same as women about babies - it's not in their make up, they haven't got maternal feelings - they can't!  I know you're hurting, and so you should be!!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?"  His voice was a whisper, he felt like she'd slapped him.  "What are you trying to say, Donna?"

"It was you behind the wheel of that car, it was you who crashed into the one in front - so therefore it's down to you that our baby is gone!  You!  Don't come near me!  I don't want you to touch me ever again!"

She went up the stairs and into the bedroom, and, slamming the door, she lay down on the bed, sobbing her heart out for the first time since her loss.  Jon just sat there on the sofa, completely stunned - tears were streaming down his face, but he was quite unable to cry.  He knew she would react badly, but he had not been expecting this.  He was sitting there, lost in thought, when the telephone rang.  At first, he did not answer it, but when it rang again, he decided he had better pick it up.  It was his mother, enquiring about Donna.

"She's all right physically" he said "but she's lashing out at everyone - she's still suffering pain in other ways, if you know what I mean"

"Of course I do" she said, softly. "I'm a mother.  Anyway, what about you?  How are you coping?"

His mother's soft, gentle voice, and the thought that she was so far away when he desperately needed her, broke him completely.  He began to cry without shame or restraint, it was a couple of minutes before he had regained enough control to at least attempt a conversation with her.

"I'm not!" he wept.  "I'm not coping at all!  Donna blames me for what happened - she says because I was driving it was my fault!  He pulled out in front of me, and I hit him, but I wasn't speeding!  It's bad enough losing my baby, without my wife blaming me for it as well!  Oh, mum, I need you so badly right now!  I wish you were here to hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right!  I know I'm a man now, but right at this moment I feel like I'm a child again.  I'm on my own!  I'm frightened!  Help me, mum, I don't know what to do!"

"Oh, sweetheart!"  His mother was close to tears herself, it tore her apart hearing him talk like this.  "Believe me, there's nothing I'd like more than to be with you right now.  I'd gladly bear your pain for you if I could, and more besides.  All I can say is, give her time, she'll realise that what happened wasn't your fault.  Like you said, she's lashing out, hurting the one she loves - you.  It may not seem like it right now, but you will get over this - you will.  Just keep loving her, I know she loves you, despite what she says - she's hurting so much.  And always remember, even when I'm miles away, I'm still here for you!  Whatever time of the day or night - if you need me, I'm only a phone call away!"

"I know" he said  "I know you are.  I'd better go and see what she's doing. I'm glad you rang, mum.  I'll talk to you soon - I love you."

"I love you, too" she said.  "And remember what I said - only a phone call away."

He replaced the receiver, and went upstairs to see Donna.  As he slowly pushed open the bedroom door, he could see she was lying on her side, facing away from him, so he was not  sure if she was asleep or not.  He walked round to the other side of the bed - she was not asleep, but he could tell she had been crying.  He noticed that she was cuddling the shawl that had been in the spare room, so obviously she had been in there - he did not think she would go in there so soon.  He sat down on the bed next to her, gently pushing her hair back from her face.  She dropped the shawl, and slapped his hand away.

"I told you!" she said  "Don't touch me!"

"Donna!  It wasn't my fault - it was the car in front!  It came out right in front of me - it was impossible to avoid it!  Please, can't you see that!  It wasn't my fault!  Stop punishing me - I'm hurting enough as it is!  I need you, Donna, and I know you need me - whatever you might say!"

"Don't tell me how to feel!" she stormed  "Do you really want to know how I feel?  Do you? I'll tell you - I feel as though someone has reached inside me and taken away my heart and soul - that's what my baby was to me!  I know my baby was only tiny, but it was still a baby - which I loved with all my heart!  I used to lie awake at night, and dream of what it would look like - whether it would have your blond hair or my colour eyes, I would dream of it growing up!  Now none of these things will happen - and hurts so much, it's almost like a physical pain gnawing inside me, and it won't go away!"

She curled up in a ball on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably.  Her pain tore at his heart, he desperately wanted to gather her in his arms and hold her tight, but she was pushing him away.  He decided to try once again - once again she pushed him away.

"Stop it, Donna!"  He was crying now  "Don't keep pushing me away!  I want to help you through this, and I need you to help me!  I love you so much, more than life itself!  I can't bear it when you shut me out!  Please, don't!"

He put his arms around her, and held her close.  She fought wildly against his embrace, but he was too strong for her, and, eventually, she gave in, leaning her head on his chest, still weeping.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!  I didn't want to push you away - I'm sorry I hurt you!  I loved my baby so much, but it was still taken away from me.  If you love someone too much, they're always taken away from you, so what's the point?"

"Oh, Donna!"  he sobbed, suddenly realising what was behind her rejection.  "So you thought there was no point in loving me!"

"I do love you!"  She was holding on to him for dear life.  "I love you so much!  Hold me, Jon!  Please hold me - make the pain go away!"
 
They clung together, both still sobbing uncontrollably, but they both realised now that, by sharing their pain, they could work through this together, and come to terms with what had happened, and, eventually, look to the future.